Well, Christmas has come and gone.
There was the for-some-reason-always-nasty-breakfast, the awkward-opening-presents-one-at-a-time-while-everyone-stares-at-you, and the putting-on-your-new-clothes-to-go-see-Star Wars. (which was great).
The haul was pretty good this year, lots of books and sarcastic tshirts and no expensive jewelry or makeup brushes from my mom. Largely due to the fact that I got frustrated and just sent them my amazon wishlist. Bah humbug.
~
I believe I've come to a realization.
You know how it's a given (though not necessarily true) fact that if you're not all that smart, you're probably happy, or at least content? And if you're smarter, it's harder to be happy because you know about all the hardships of the world and find it hard not to be pessimistic?
I think that there's a level beyond that. Where you're smart enough to understand the darkness in the world, and allow yourself to be happy in spite of it. To allow people who have something that makes them happy and inspires them to do good for others, even if you might know it's not true.
I dont know, I'm rambling.
God, I miss you, Alex. I miss everyone from the mountain. I mean, I might be able to see my friend Maison over New Years, but it's not now.
Honestly, I low-key hope to get high over when I'm with my friend, just to try what it's like. But I dont know. I'm an angsty teenager, who knows what I'll do?
Everything is too blurry. It's not here. I'm not here. Nothing feels real. Christmas was just another day.
I'm coming to admit that I do, at some level, need school. It is THE main cause of my depression, anxiety, and self-image issues, but I need the structure. Not even school. I hate school, the system, the waking up at 5:30, the standardized tests, etc... I just need something to wake up to, to force me to not stare at a blank wall for an hour and straighten my back.
Im a mess right now. I dont know. Im so tired, but i couldnt all asleep hardly at all for the last three nights. I dont understand. I dont know where i am, if I'm real. It's too blurry. Everything is foggy.
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
My Every Love
My first love was the purest, before there was such things as worries and troubles. was a girl in New Hampshire, from four to six years old. Petting dogs and eating doughnuts and splashing about in a kiddie pool. It was pure love, the kind that smells like bubble soap and sidewalk chalk. It was the first love I ever had to be peeled away by distance.
My second love was the bitterest, always with differences between us. Three years fun that I wasnt allowed to have in my own house. Three years of passive-aggressiveness and subtle superiority. Three years of jealousy. It was my first and only fight to end in a fight, with no resolution. The only love that I regret because of who she is today.
My third love was the saddest. It took time. It came after six months of loneliness, of being the one to read a book in the back of my sixth grade classroom. Moving classes, moving desks, moving pencils are what brought us together. We were both alone. We were both hurting. When she lost her father, her mother slowly vanished as well. Three years spelled out a remarriage, lies, abuse, ending in an angry, mentally disturbed suicide that drove the family away in fear and pain. This is the first love that I actually needed to get by. We shared whispers of how we were all the family we would ever need, as long as we had each other. We battled depression, anxiety, self-harm together. We held each other close until time and space forced us to separate.
My fourth love was the darkest. The memories of him still fill me with a deep, burning fury. I never knew his wishes; He never knew my dreams. I'd never know his mind the way I knew his face. He'd never know my heart the way he knew my name.The age old dilemma. Two girls in love with the same dreamy boy; his choice between them. His choice was not the one i wanted. I was a bitter, stubborn thing for two years, clinging onto the thought of him. A confession of abuse, of rape, by the other girl is what it took to shake me. We were in seventh grade. This was my first and only love to see us as a hunk of flesh, a plaything, a doll. The fire inside as he still goes unpunished lets me know that if I ever see him again, I will not hesitate to strike him.
My fifth love was the openest. A summer camp internship, a new high school, and odd circumstances brought us together. Late night talks about family and life, love and sex, hate and darkness brought us closer. Similar problems of brain chemistry bonded us as we talked about everything and nothing. We didn't need words. Her family took me as one of their own. We colored our hair and watched television and avoided talking abut the future. It was the second love that I needed to survive, to cling to in order to remind myself that the world is not secondary.
My sixth love was the closest. We clung together and buried our tears in the grass and our wishes in the stars. When my head rested in their lap, it was their soothing fingers running through my hair that lulled me to sleep. I clutched their words dripping from pages or a screen, and pressed them to my heart. I hung reminders around my neck, from my ceiling, peeking from the inside of boxes and jars. So fragile, the two of us, yet immortal, celestial beings when brought together, our blood made of stardust and our bones knitted from nebulae. I knew their strength, their fierce love and determination. It drove me, inspired me, kept me breathing, kept my heart beating. Dates of seeing each other in person glimmered from the future, the only stars in a dark, velvet night. They keep me from swaddling my mind in cotton layers and separating from the world, replacing my blood with cough syrup. It was the third love I needed to survive. There is little doubt about where I would be today if not for her, the owner of a lovely plot of land in a cemetery.
I am needy. With never love for family, I was driven to seek out a family of my own. I find them, and I stitch them to me, phantom limbs that are extensions of myself. I will protect them fiercely, only partly for the selfish reason of fear of losing them. It scares me when I hear their words of self-loathing, of inner battles that they're sure they will lose. It makes me wonder if perhaps someone could feel that scared when I speak of demons crawling into my scars. The very notion fills me first with passive rejection of the idea, then with awe at the possibility. After all, how could someone love me when I struggle to even face myself? I've since learned that a part of giving love is giving the person someone to love back. As said by my last love, I'll stir my chamomile tea as I watch the thunderstorms from my window and read words of comfort, and remember that I truly do have reason to love.
My second love was the bitterest, always with differences between us. Three years fun that I wasnt allowed to have in my own house. Three years of passive-aggressiveness and subtle superiority. Three years of jealousy. It was my first and only fight to end in a fight, with no resolution. The only love that I regret because of who she is today.
My third love was the saddest. It took time. It came after six months of loneliness, of being the one to read a book in the back of my sixth grade classroom. Moving classes, moving desks, moving pencils are what brought us together. We were both alone. We were both hurting. When she lost her father, her mother slowly vanished as well. Three years spelled out a remarriage, lies, abuse, ending in an angry, mentally disturbed suicide that drove the family away in fear and pain. This is the first love that I actually needed to get by. We shared whispers of how we were all the family we would ever need, as long as we had each other. We battled depression, anxiety, self-harm together. We held each other close until time and space forced us to separate.
My fourth love was the darkest. The memories of him still fill me with a deep, burning fury. I never knew his wishes; He never knew my dreams. I'd never know his mind the way I knew his face. He'd never know my heart the way he knew my name.The age old dilemma. Two girls in love with the same dreamy boy; his choice between them. His choice was not the one i wanted. I was a bitter, stubborn thing for two years, clinging onto the thought of him. A confession of abuse, of rape, by the other girl is what it took to shake me. We were in seventh grade. This was my first and only love to see us as a hunk of flesh, a plaything, a doll. The fire inside as he still goes unpunished lets me know that if I ever see him again, I will not hesitate to strike him.
My fifth love was the openest. A summer camp internship, a new high school, and odd circumstances brought us together. Late night talks about family and life, love and sex, hate and darkness brought us closer. Similar problems of brain chemistry bonded us as we talked about everything and nothing. We didn't need words. Her family took me as one of their own. We colored our hair and watched television and avoided talking abut the future. It was the second love that I needed to survive, to cling to in order to remind myself that the world is not secondary.
My sixth love was the closest. We clung together and buried our tears in the grass and our wishes in the stars. When my head rested in their lap, it was their soothing fingers running through my hair that lulled me to sleep. I clutched their words dripping from pages or a screen, and pressed them to my heart. I hung reminders around my neck, from my ceiling, peeking from the inside of boxes and jars. So fragile, the two of us, yet immortal, celestial beings when brought together, our blood made of stardust and our bones knitted from nebulae. I knew their strength, their fierce love and determination. It drove me, inspired me, kept me breathing, kept my heart beating. Dates of seeing each other in person glimmered from the future, the only stars in a dark, velvet night. They keep me from swaddling my mind in cotton layers and separating from the world, replacing my blood with cough syrup. It was the third love I needed to survive. There is little doubt about where I would be today if not for her, the owner of a lovely plot of land in a cemetery.
I am needy. With never love for family, I was driven to seek out a family of my own. I find them, and I stitch them to me, phantom limbs that are extensions of myself. I will protect them fiercely, only partly for the selfish reason of fear of losing them. It scares me when I hear their words of self-loathing, of inner battles that they're sure they will lose. It makes me wonder if perhaps someone could feel that scared when I speak of demons crawling into my scars. The very notion fills me first with passive rejection of the idea, then with awe at the possibility. After all, how could someone love me when I struggle to even face myself? I've since learned that a part of giving love is giving the person someone to love back. As said by my last love, I'll stir my chamomile tea as I watch the thunderstorms from my window and read words of comfort, and remember that I truly do have reason to love.
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Give Thanks for Possible Sleep Disorders
Quite a bit has happened.
First of all, Thanksgiving. Eleven relatives from my mothers side came to our house, including the two cousins that are the only relatives I really actually love.
A downside was that I had to sleep on the couch for a few days, but that's not bad. It was just TOO MANY PEOPLE. Always people around me. It was exhausting. But they're all gone now, break is over, I'm... managing.
I went to the brain doctor and they said that me being completely exhausted all the time isnt normal. So they want to do an overnight sleep study on me to test for hypersomnia or narcolepsy. I think hypersonmia is more likely, but we'll see.
They also think I might have a magnesium deficiency, and prescribed me 50 mg a day.
Finally, i went to the meds doctor. She thinks that I'm unresponsive to antidepressants (after six different kinds) and that we might try mood stabilizers or stimulants as an antidepressant.
I won an award at the big winter art show at my school! For a piece that i welded in twenty minutes. Not what I would have chosen, but oh well.
Midyear exams are coming up. Wheeeeee.
I just dont know. I dont know. I miss the mountain. I miss my family there. I miss feeling alright.
But I'm still free indeed, free indeed
First of all, Thanksgiving. Eleven relatives from my mothers side came to our house, including the two cousins that are the only relatives I really actually love.
A downside was that I had to sleep on the couch for a few days, but that's not bad. It was just TOO MANY PEOPLE. Always people around me. It was exhausting. But they're all gone now, break is over, I'm... managing.
I went to the brain doctor and they said that me being completely exhausted all the time isnt normal. So they want to do an overnight sleep study on me to test for hypersomnia or narcolepsy. I think hypersonmia is more likely, but we'll see.
They also think I might have a magnesium deficiency, and prescribed me 50 mg a day.
Finally, i went to the meds doctor. She thinks that I'm unresponsive to antidepressants (after six different kinds) and that we might try mood stabilizers or stimulants as an antidepressant.
I won an award at the big winter art show at my school! For a piece that i welded in twenty minutes. Not what I would have chosen, but oh well.
Midyear exams are coming up. Wheeeeee.
I just dont know. I dont know. I miss the mountain. I miss my family there. I miss feeling alright.
But I'm still free indeed, free indeed
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
WHY IS THERE XMAS BEFORE THANKSGIVING
Wow, a lot has happened.
Firstly, I went on a field trip with my philosophy club. We only got to tag along cuz the Portuguese class didnt have enough people.
It was supposed to be straight ziplining, but due to a mix-up, it turned out to be, like, a zipline obstacle course. Green, blue, and black levels. Everyone started on the green, so me and my crew decided to start on the blue instead of wait. It was pretty hard, no lie. But the adrenaline rush actually scared me, what was something different and very welcome. I went back to the green after I finished the blue; it was very easy after actually sliding toward your doom.
Mostly, I'm proud of Bambi. She was having a FUCKTON of anxiety about the blue level, and it took a while, but she got through! She made it all the way through, and I'm like a proud mother bird.
After ziplining, we went to some fancy Portuguese restaurant, where like 30 different kinds of meat was served to you on fuckin SWORDS. They just came around with this neverending stream of MEAT. I didnt eat quite a bit, cuz I'm lame and dont like bloody meats like lamb or rare beef. Still, I was STUFFED. I dont know if you've ever eaten nothing but a fuckload of meat and nothing else, but it's trippy. You get all wobbly, with the meat shakes or something.
On the (long) bus ride home, four of us ended taling a lot. The subject changed from sex ed to sex to masturbation to promising to get a friend a vibrator for her birthday to some of us seeing shadowy figures sometimes for their whole life. I am not one of those people, but they were genuinely freaked out just by talking about it. One girl who had to drive home alone was scared that they would get hostile since she'd been talking about them, so I gathered up a bunch of the goof luck/ positive energy crap that i have in my room (I have a TON of it) and gave it to her. I just hope they feel safe.
Second, Bambi's moms got married!!!!! The wedding was originally supposed to be next Sunday, but they surprised one on her birthday with a party and then oh hey look WE'RE GETTING MARRIED and they both were crying and it was honestly the sweetest thing ever.
Third, on Sunday, I went to another family therapy session. We ended up talking about how my mom tends to do really degrading things to me, especially when she feels I need a punishment. Like things that you would punish a five y/o with so that they would learn a moral, but not a sixteen year old. I was crying pretty hard and my therapist brought me into a different room and I started blubbering about how I didnt like my mother or see her as a maternal figure in my life and stuff like that.
She decided to cut it short, definitely for the best.
Fourth, on Tuesday, I had a math test. I spent hours with my tutor outside of school going over everything. I may or may not have programmed some of the formulas into my calculator when I was scared about my memory. I had this, right? And i did. Until the last section. It was over something that I didnt know we had to study, and I didnt remember AT ALL. Drawing a 100% blank. I freaked out and had to stop for a minute to get my breathing under control. I ended up writing a note to my teacher about how I was almost out of time and panicking and couldnt remember it at all and I was sorry.
Unfortunately, the substitute teacher was grading them, and saw the note instead. She came up to me and said something about how it wasnt hard and I had some time left, which was nice of her, but I had to tell her that I couldnt handle it right then. I teared up a bit, and put my head down cried a little after she left, which hasnt happened at school in... a long time.
So. My whole family is staying with us for Thanksgiving, which I am not happy about.
I'm still not here.
Firstly, I went on a field trip with my philosophy club. We only got to tag along cuz the Portuguese class didnt have enough people.
It was supposed to be straight ziplining, but due to a mix-up, it turned out to be, like, a zipline obstacle course. Green, blue, and black levels. Everyone started on the green, so me and my crew decided to start on the blue instead of wait. It was pretty hard, no lie. But the adrenaline rush actually scared me, what was something different and very welcome. I went back to the green after I finished the blue; it was very easy after actually sliding toward your doom.
Mostly, I'm proud of Bambi. She was having a FUCKTON of anxiety about the blue level, and it took a while, but she got through! She made it all the way through, and I'm like a proud mother bird.
After ziplining, we went to some fancy Portuguese restaurant, where like 30 different kinds of meat was served to you on fuckin SWORDS. They just came around with this neverending stream of MEAT. I didnt eat quite a bit, cuz I'm lame and dont like bloody meats like lamb or rare beef. Still, I was STUFFED. I dont know if you've ever eaten nothing but a fuckload of meat and nothing else, but it's trippy. You get all wobbly, with the meat shakes or something.
On the (long) bus ride home, four of us ended taling a lot. The subject changed from sex ed to sex to masturbation to promising to get a friend a vibrator for her birthday to some of us seeing shadowy figures sometimes for their whole life. I am not one of those people, but they were genuinely freaked out just by talking about it. One girl who had to drive home alone was scared that they would get hostile since she'd been talking about them, so I gathered up a bunch of the goof luck/ positive energy crap that i have in my room (I have a TON of it) and gave it to her. I just hope they feel safe.
Second, Bambi's moms got married!!!!! The wedding was originally supposed to be next Sunday, but they surprised one on her birthday with a party and then oh hey look WE'RE GETTING MARRIED and they both were crying and it was honestly the sweetest thing ever.
Third, on Sunday, I went to another family therapy session. We ended up talking about how my mom tends to do really degrading things to me, especially when she feels I need a punishment. Like things that you would punish a five y/o with so that they would learn a moral, but not a sixteen year old. I was crying pretty hard and my therapist brought me into a different room and I started blubbering about how I didnt like my mother or see her as a maternal figure in my life and stuff like that.
She decided to cut it short, definitely for the best.
Fourth, on Tuesday, I had a math test. I spent hours with my tutor outside of school going over everything. I may or may not have programmed some of the formulas into my calculator when I was scared about my memory. I had this, right? And i did. Until the last section. It was over something that I didnt know we had to study, and I didnt remember AT ALL. Drawing a 100% blank. I freaked out and had to stop for a minute to get my breathing under control. I ended up writing a note to my teacher about how I was almost out of time and panicking and couldnt remember it at all and I was sorry.
Unfortunately, the substitute teacher was grading them, and saw the note instead. She came up to me and said something about how it wasnt hard and I had some time left, which was nice of her, but I had to tell her that I couldnt handle it right then. I teared up a bit, and put my head down cried a little after she left, which hasnt happened at school in... a long time.
So. My whole family is staying with us for Thanksgiving, which I am not happy about.
I'm still not here.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Blurry Halloweens + Breakdowns
Halloween was actually pretty fun. Bambi, the girl i have a crush on, and a few other friends and i all went trick-or-treating. I was Lapis Lazuli from Steven Universe, which i was quite happy with. (The blue body paint was a bit annoying tho)
After a few hours, we were actually dying of thirst and this super sweet lady gave us cups of water, so good karma to you, nice lady. It was fairly uneventful, until the golfcart ride back to Bambi's house. There wasnt enough seats, so i ended up having to sit in my crush's lap and hold her and another person's hand just to keep from falling off. (no complaints there).
Plenty of candy, though it's kind of lost on me. For the last few months, I've had this thing where i feel like i just cant... eat. Not in a weight loss way, but like it feels like my throat will push it back up and feel sick. I've lost like 10 pounds, which isnt good. Nothing feels appetizing anymore.
I got published in our city newspaper for a letter to the editor that I wrote. Just look up "Edna Jackson sign burning" and "Flaming Ignorance letter to the editor" if you're curious.
We got our progress reports today, and I have a 73 in math. Which is considered failing. All from ONE D on a test. When I got home, I had a panic attack and cried for a while. Like, usually I'd at least feel alright knowing that I can just bring it up later, but you need at least a 75 in all classes to go on field trips, and I'm going zip-lining with my philosophy club next friday.
So... I'm scared. It's all I have to look forward to.
It feels like a giant step back. I'm not here. I'm not awake. It's like six layers of cotton separating my mind from the world, and five more separating me from my emotions. Everything is secondary. It feels like my blood's replaced with cough syrup and time moves too quick before I can even turn my head to watch it go by. I want to tear my hair and scream and slap my face and cut my skin, anything to wake myself up. But it still feels like the moment between being awake and asleep, when you're laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, feeling frustrated at yourself for not falling asleep already but you're too tired and fuzzy to actually feel frustrated, and you're worried because if you feel frustrated, you'll be more awake and that's the opposite of what you want. You want one or the other, awake or asleep. But I'm stuck in both.
I'm stuck.
After a few hours, we were actually dying of thirst and this super sweet lady gave us cups of water, so good karma to you, nice lady. It was fairly uneventful, until the golfcart ride back to Bambi's house. There wasnt enough seats, so i ended up having to sit in my crush's lap and hold her and another person's hand just to keep from falling off. (no complaints there).
Plenty of candy, though it's kind of lost on me. For the last few months, I've had this thing where i feel like i just cant... eat. Not in a weight loss way, but like it feels like my throat will push it back up and feel sick. I've lost like 10 pounds, which isnt good. Nothing feels appetizing anymore.
I got published in our city newspaper for a letter to the editor that I wrote. Just look up "Edna Jackson sign burning" and "Flaming Ignorance letter to the editor" if you're curious.
We got our progress reports today, and I have a 73 in math. Which is considered failing. All from ONE D on a test. When I got home, I had a panic attack and cried for a while. Like, usually I'd at least feel alright knowing that I can just bring it up later, but you need at least a 75 in all classes to go on field trips, and I'm going zip-lining with my philosophy club next friday.
So... I'm scared. It's all I have to look forward to.
It feels like a giant step back. I'm not here. I'm not awake. It's like six layers of cotton separating my mind from the world, and five more separating me from my emotions. Everything is secondary. It feels like my blood's replaced with cough syrup and time moves too quick before I can even turn my head to watch it go by. I want to tear my hair and scream and slap my face and cut my skin, anything to wake myself up. But it still feels like the moment between being awake and asleep, when you're laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, feeling frustrated at yourself for not falling asleep already but you're too tired and fuzzy to actually feel frustrated, and you're worried because if you feel frustrated, you'll be more awake and that's the opposite of what you want. You want one or the other, awake or asleep. But I'm stuck in both.
I'm stuck.
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Locomotive, That's a Train, am I Painting a Picture of What's in My Brain?
Another argument with my mother. Even more petty reasons.
See, in an awkward breakfast with my mother and my friend who had spend the night, she mentioned that i needed to wash my hair today (duh) (as if i was going anywhere with gross hair). At least, that's what i heard in my totally disassociated state.
If I'm disassociated, I easily miss things unless they're stated directly to me.
Which is what i guess happened this time.
So i put up my hair and sprayed some dry shampoo in it. We're driving to her house and back, not like we're gonna see any other people. fine right?
We were ready to take my friend home when my mom stops me at the door and says "I told you that you're not leaving the house until you wash your hair."
Okay, Alright. I'm calm. I try to explain, and she's not having it. I'm pissed, so I just go "Fine. Fine. I'll stay here for this petty reason."
As soon as they leave, I run off into the woods and sit down and cry and punch a tree. I doesn't even seem like a big deal at all, I'm just so MAD that she always does this. She casually mentions something, then makes a HUGE deal out of it when I didnt understand what she meant.
I dug into my arm pretty good while i was out there. stupidly. I just wanted her to feel bad i guess.
I stayed out there for about an hour, trying to calm myself down watching Dan and Phil. They helped a lot.
I go back home, she's not home yet, so I just go upstairs and sit and do nothing for about five hours.
We're having another 'family' therapy session tomorrow. I am... not excited.
This whole week has just felt like a piece of crap. I couldnt sleep. Even when i got to hang out with one of my best friends, I was feeling all weird like I didnt want to be touched or have anything or anyone make noise, even when we were just watching a movie. And anyone who knows me is aware that I am always down for a cuddle puddle.
It's just... been weird. Everything is all jumbled together. It's too hot, uncomfortable. Like all my pieces are fit together upside down. I'm never awake. I cant pull myself out.
See, in an awkward breakfast with my mother and my friend who had spend the night, she mentioned that i needed to wash my hair today (duh) (as if i was going anywhere with gross hair). At least, that's what i heard in my totally disassociated state.
If I'm disassociated, I easily miss things unless they're stated directly to me.
Which is what i guess happened this time.
So i put up my hair and sprayed some dry shampoo in it. We're driving to her house and back, not like we're gonna see any other people. fine right?
We were ready to take my friend home when my mom stops me at the door and says "I told you that you're not leaving the house until you wash your hair."
Okay, Alright. I'm calm. I try to explain, and she's not having it. I'm pissed, so I just go "Fine. Fine. I'll stay here for this petty reason."
As soon as they leave, I run off into the woods and sit down and cry and punch a tree. I doesn't even seem like a big deal at all, I'm just so MAD that she always does this. She casually mentions something, then makes a HUGE deal out of it when I didnt understand what she meant.
I dug into my arm pretty good while i was out there. stupidly. I just wanted her to feel bad i guess.
I stayed out there for about an hour, trying to calm myself down watching Dan and Phil. They helped a lot.
I go back home, she's not home yet, so I just go upstairs and sit and do nothing for about five hours.
We're having another 'family' therapy session tomorrow. I am... not excited.
This whole week has just felt like a piece of crap. I couldnt sleep. Even when i got to hang out with one of my best friends, I was feeling all weird like I didnt want to be touched or have anything or anyone make noise, even when we were just watching a movie. And anyone who knows me is aware that I am always down for a cuddle puddle.
It's just... been weird. Everything is all jumbled together. It's too hot, uncomfortable. Like all my pieces are fit together upside down. I'm never awake. I cant pull myself out.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Haha hair what hair
Wow alright so I decided to google some of my 'more unusual' symptoms, like not being hungry ever or completely emotionally flat while also have bad anxiety (as weird as it sounds) and being totally stuck in my brain instead of the present and nothing feeling real, and guess what came up that i hit pretty much every symptom for?
Depersonalization disorder.
with the amount of anxiety i had as a kid, it makes sense.
I don't want to be the kind of person who always diagnoses themselves, so im going to talk to my therapist about it.
~
A week ago, I went to Myrtle Beach with my friend Bambi. It was fun, especially Ripley's Believe It Or Not. Mostly the arcade. Blackjack IS MY GAAAAAME and they had a game there. We won enough tickets for a inflatable 3 ft tall alien. We named him Vladimir.
The only thing that wasn't great was the fact that my mother, who had nothing to do with the whole trip, was being a control freak. Like, we got in really late and all passed out, so i forgot to call her. AAAAAAAND she freaked out. She made the whole family come back by Sunday morning, which meant we had to get up at like 5 am. Her parents literally pulled me aside to tell me that I only had a year and a half until she couldn't control me anymore.
~
In other news, i chopped my hair off. I now have a short bob/long pixie cut.
And i am currently dyeing the whole thing bright blue.
Depersonalization disorder.
with the amount of anxiety i had as a kid, it makes sense.
I don't want to be the kind of person who always diagnoses themselves, so im going to talk to my therapist about it.
~
A week ago, I went to Myrtle Beach with my friend Bambi. It was fun, especially Ripley's Believe It Or Not. Mostly the arcade. Blackjack IS MY GAAAAAME and they had a game there. We won enough tickets for a inflatable 3 ft tall alien. We named him Vladimir.
The only thing that wasn't great was the fact that my mother, who had nothing to do with the whole trip, was being a control freak. Like, we got in really late and all passed out, so i forgot to call her. AAAAAAAND she freaked out. She made the whole family come back by Sunday morning, which meant we had to get up at like 5 am. Her parents literally pulled me aside to tell me that I only had a year and a half until she couldn't control me anymore.
~
In other news, i chopped my hair off. I now have a short bob/long pixie cut.
And i am currently dyeing the whole thing bright blue.
Saturday, September 5, 2015
Yes slicing yo face is 100% normal
Wow so about a week ago, I was feeling really numb and flat. So I hopped out of the shower, pried apart a shaving razor, and cut my fucking face. Without even really thinking about what I was doing.
I'd had an accident with a tree branch earlier, which left a small scratch above my eye, and for some reason I thought, "Oh I have an excuse no one will notice if I add to it" and then cut above my eye, my cheek, and my nose.
The last time I cut was almost nine months ago... I wasnt emotional at all. I wasnt thinking at all.
Jesus christ.
~
school has been... tiring. I can feel myself constantly on a countdown, Countdown to the end of the period. Countdown to the end of the day. Countdown to the end of the week. It's horrible, how I'll realize that I have three days left and this wave of hopelessness will wash over me.
I think the worst is math class. Not because It's super difficult yet, but because it's the last class of the day. I'll sit there and want to scream and cut my face and tear out my hair.
On a side note, I'm getting a tutor soon for math.
I'm always tired.
Mornings are actually physically painful. I want to cry and it feels like dragging myself through glass to get up. It hurts. And it doesnt get any better as the week goes on - if anything, it gets worse. I feel it in my teeth.
~
there's plans for Monday for some friends and i to go to the newly opened 'Trampoline World!'
So that's something to look forward to.
One of the people who's coming is a girl that I have a huuuuge crush on. A mutual friend asked her what she would say if I asked her to prom, and she said that she'd say yes.
HO-LY SHIIIIIT.
I'd had an accident with a tree branch earlier, which left a small scratch above my eye, and for some reason I thought, "Oh I have an excuse no one will notice if I add to it" and then cut above my eye, my cheek, and my nose.
The last time I cut was almost nine months ago... I wasnt emotional at all. I wasnt thinking at all.
Jesus christ.
~
school has been... tiring. I can feel myself constantly on a countdown, Countdown to the end of the period. Countdown to the end of the day. Countdown to the end of the week. It's horrible, how I'll realize that I have three days left and this wave of hopelessness will wash over me.
I think the worst is math class. Not because It's super difficult yet, but because it's the last class of the day. I'll sit there and want to scream and cut my face and tear out my hair.
On a side note, I'm getting a tutor soon for math.
I'm always tired.
Mornings are actually physically painful. I want to cry and it feels like dragging myself through glass to get up. It hurts. And it doesnt get any better as the week goes on - if anything, it gets worse. I feel it in my teeth.
~
there's plans for Monday for some friends and i to go to the newly opened 'Trampoline World!'
So that's something to look forward to.
One of the people who's coming is a girl that I have a huuuuge crush on. A mutual friend asked her what she would say if I asked her to prom, and she said that she'd say yes.
HO-LY SHIIIIIT.
Saturday, August 15, 2015
NERD PARTY
WOW SO I WENT TO AN ACTUAL PARTY.
It was SO funny because it was actually every stereotype from a teen high school party movie. The loud music, the color-changing strobe lights, everything. All it was missing was alcohol. (which i honestly wouldnt have minded...)
Some backstory: every few months, a few of my friends (who mix their own music and record their own stuff) have this party to basically show off.
It was ironically fun... for about ten minutes.
Then a few friends and i went to get milkshakes. (without the knowledge of my parents wow so rebellious teen angst impulsive behavior)
It was surprisingly really fun just hanging out with them, even though i didnt know many of them well. The highlight if the evening was one guy finding a suspicious substance on his arm, Another guy licked it and determined that it wasnt cum, and we figured out that it was lube. We still have no idea where it came from.
We just walked around wasting time for a while before driving back. Bambi and I actually danced for a while.
You can tell that everyone there was a nerd because a conga line happened. It was awesome. I am O tired now though. Just being around so many people drained me BIG TIME. That, and I woke up this morning with a migraine. It took three hours and some high-strength pain killers for it to go away. I was worried i might not even be able to go.
BUT I PERSEVERED.
And I'm really happy i went. I might actually go to another one. ^-^
This week of school has been BRUTAL. They really are serious about piling on homework. God i just dont know if i can handle this. I'm already getting stress migranes, and it's only the second week.
It was SO funny because it was actually every stereotype from a teen high school party movie. The loud music, the color-changing strobe lights, everything. All it was missing was alcohol. (which i honestly wouldnt have minded...)
Some backstory: every few months, a few of my friends (who mix their own music and record their own stuff) have this party to basically show off.
It was ironically fun... for about ten minutes.
Then a few friends and i went to get milkshakes. (without the knowledge of my parents wow so rebellious teen angst impulsive behavior)
It was surprisingly really fun just hanging out with them, even though i didnt know many of them well. The highlight if the evening was one guy finding a suspicious substance on his arm, Another guy licked it and determined that it wasnt cum, and we figured out that it was lube. We still have no idea where it came from.
We just walked around wasting time for a while before driving back. Bambi and I actually danced for a while.
You can tell that everyone there was a nerd because a conga line happened. It was awesome. I am O tired now though. Just being around so many people drained me BIG TIME. That, and I woke up this morning with a migraine. It took three hours and some high-strength pain killers for it to go away. I was worried i might not even be able to go.
BUT I PERSEVERED.
And I'm really happy i went. I might actually go to another one. ^-^
This week of school has been BRUTAL. They really are serious about piling on homework. God i just dont know if i can handle this. I'm already getting stress migranes, and it's only the second week.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Just push me down some stairs thank you
The new school year is upon us.
PLEASE push me down a flight of stairs, promptly.
My schedule, (cuz you care obviously), is as follows:
A days:
Pottery I
American government
Sculpture I
Art Comp III
B days:
Physics
Advanced algebra
AP lang/comp
AP 3D
I have four art classes. I'm going to die.
My physics teacher is 8 1/2 months pregnant, so that'll be interesting.
My algebra teacher's voice puts me to sleep.
I dislike a majority of the people in my classes.
I just dont know about this year.
PLEASE push me down a flight of stairs, promptly.
My schedule, (cuz you care obviously), is as follows:
A days:
Pottery I
American government
Sculpture I
Art Comp III
B days:
Physics
Advanced algebra
AP lang/comp
AP 3D
I have four art classes. I'm going to die.
My physics teacher is 8 1/2 months pregnant, so that'll be interesting.
My algebra teacher's voice puts me to sleep.
I dislike a majority of the people in my classes.
I just dont know about this year.
So You Killed Yourself.
So
you killed yourself. But you killed everyone else around you too.
You’d
thought long and hard about it, about the possibility of punishment if there
was an afterlife. But anything was better than feeling like this, feeling
either so alive it hurt or simply nothing at all.
As it turned out, there was a punishment. But not the one
you’d been expecting. No fire or brimstone, only the gift of sight and the
curse of being unable to look away.
You watch the reception after the funeral. To your
dismay, it is a black, dismal affair. You never wanted that.
You watch as your friends creep to your room in ones and
twos, breathing in thick, dusty air. They walk around, each unable to stop
themselves from taking home a memento that was important to the both of you. a
locket here, a friendship bracelet there, a stuffed cat, a mason jar filled
with old keys, a favorite book, a small compact mirror, a rock collection in an
old shoe box, a cedar scented candle that will never be lit again.
You’re thankful that they take some memories, scattering
pieces of yourself around the world and down through generations. You’re
thankful that someone will glance up at a shelf and smile, remembering the love
you shared. Because your room is memorialized. Locked off. The curtains are
drawn and a thick layer of dust slowly coats each surface. Books are left
unread, without purpose. Stuffed animals resigned to a life unloved. The
silence becomes so thick, it begs to rip itself apart. You itch to whisper, to
lessen the tension of half-closed drawers and yellowing paper. But your voice
is silent.
You’d never wanted to cause any more pain that necessary,
so you placed a call to 911 just as you felt the drugs taking hold. You knew
that they’d be too late to save you, of course, but it would be better for them
to find you than for your mother to come home and find her baby not moving.
But there was a problem this morning. Your mother
realized that she’d left all of her notes sitting on the kitchen table. Or
maybe it was car trouble or a sudden illness that sent her home much too early.
She
arrived three minutes before the ambulance.
Perhaps
your father was the lucky one. He never had to see your body lying peacefully
on your bed.
But
perhaps he was not so lucky, because he had to pry your mother’s arms away from
his child’s lifeless body in a morgue.
The
memory sits stagnant in his mind, holding him in a weary state of unrest. For
more than a month, the only sleep he gets is in short, exhausted bursts. He was
always one to quiet his emotions, so while his wife sobs, he only sits in
silence. He soon finds that he has lost his sense of taste.
The
doctor attributes it to grief. Unspoken, unheard grief. Unheard to all except
for a soul whose body has long since been buried and left to the earth.
Your best friend won’t cry, not at first. She can’t
accept it. Won’t accept it. It’s all a bad dream, right? She just stares
blankly at the wall for hours until your heart breaks, shattered pieces landing
on the floor beside hers.
She’s given a few days off of school. Still, she won’t
say anything. Won’t eat. Barely sleeps. It’s not until she walks into class and
sees your empty desk that she starts screaming. Gut-wrenching, agonizing,
animalistic noises rip themselves out of her throat. She’s on the floor, head
pressed into her knees, clutching and tearing at the hair you once cut for her.
Tears, no, rivers erupt from her eyes. When she shakes her head violently, salt
water flies onto the faces of bystanders who find themselves unable to move.
And still, she’s screaming until parents arrive and her throat gives out. She
refuses to move, so her father has to carry her out like a baby.
You’d saved her so many times.
One day, you turn your vision only
to see her staring back. She seems to be aware of your presence, and you watch
each other until an explosive heartbeat yanks her away from you. She’s lying in
a hospital bed with a needle marked, ‘adrenaline’ being pulled from her chest.
You can only watch numbly as her heart starts beating away from you. She just
wanted to see your eyes sparkle one more time. A bottle of sleeping medication
almost helped her achieve her wish.
Suddenly, your vision widens and pans out.
You
watch a sunset, all gold and crimson and pink. You watch every sunrise all at
once. You watch a mothers’ face after she’s given birth, holding life in her
arms for the first time. You watch friends giving each other stupid dares,
sparkles and laughter in their eyes. You watch every person that ever fell in
love as they say those magic words to each other. You watch puppies fall asleep
in arms and kittens curl up on stomachs. You watch the eyes of every dog who’s
ever been adopted, relief and love and exhilaration like nothing bad can ever
exist again, all in one. You watch people’s excitement as they’re served their
favorite food; you taste that glorious first bite with them. You watch a clear
starry sky through a million people’s eyes. You watch the end of a long hike,
the moment when the summit is reached and arms are stretched out wide as
someone takes in the entire mountainside. You watch local dreamers laugh. You
watch children gaze up at the starry skies, tiny universe explorers in their
own nature.
You watch the face of every family member or friend who’s
been told that someone they love will live, that they’ll be all right.
One year after you kill yourself, you watch your mother
make your father breakfast. You watch her add salt and pepper to eggs, but she
knows the taste will never be the same. Your father rinses dishes and wipes
down the counter while he watches your mother swallow pills, red and white
serotonin bombs that are keeping her sane.
One year after you kill yourself, you fall in love. Not with
the boy down the street or the girl behind you in math. You fell in love with your
best friend, with the way she holds your old rock collection with reverence.
With the way she writes you letters and sends them to you in empty green
bottles through the ocean. With the poems she writes, poems about how a ribcage
was never meant to be synonymous for a birdcage, crows in her chest eating dead
butterflies that had crawled up from her stomach. You fall in love with the way
she’s putting herself back together, bit by bit. She forced her pieces together
crooked, upside down, just to stay alive. She hopes she can be whole again by
the time she dies an old woman.
One year after you kill yourself, your sister turns to
ask you something. You see the emptiness in her eyes when she sees only an
empty room. You watch her stand on the footprints you made together on the
sidewalk, back when you were only three. You watch her help the elderly woman
next door weed her garden and line her medications up on her breakfast plate.
You watch her hold the old woman’s hand as she dies; they never knew each other
well, but no one deserves to die alone. She used to believe in happy endings,
but now she’s just trying to believe you ever existed.
When you were six years old, happy with fairies and
dragons and magic in your heart, you unknowingly passed the anniversary of your
death. For every year after your death, that day has become tainted. Unusable.
Every person you were close to counts down the days until that anniversary,
whether they mean to or not. Every year on this day, flowers will reach around
your gravestone before wilting unattended. Muted reminders that everything is
temporary, some more so than others.
One year after you kill yourself, you go back to that
body of a girl lying in a morgue, still soft, not a day old. You talk to her.
You tell her about sunsets and strawberries and soft dogs and falling in love
and fireworks and stars. You tell her about rivers and flowers and cuddles and
the universe.
One year after you kill yourself, you try to unkill
yourself, but find you couldn’t finish what you’d started. And that was the
worst punishment of all.
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Letter To Alex
Dear Alex,
Words cannot describe how much I love you. How much I thank the universe for coming to be in just a way that allowed us to meet.
You stopped me from crashing into the stars in a fiery explosion in a world without air. I will stop you from colliding with the trees, from letting your soul be ripped from cold iron branches. I will never let that happen. We've met in the middle.
And one day, or maybe you have already, asked yourself how much people would miss you. You weigh the pros and cons of breathing.
But Darling, when I think of you asking me whether it would be worth it, I lean back and a hundred thousand memories will flood my mind. Hundreds of shared tears. Thousands of songs and poems. Hugs and kisses and snuggles. Whispers of toxic memories and mistakes that echo within us, that dissipate in the golden light of laughter to the point of tears and fingers running lovingly through your hair, leaving traces of starlight in their wake. Secrets. Jokes. Fears. Love.
And I'll say out loud that we have worn the seasons under our sleeves, on our thighs and legs, running down our cheeks. This is what surviving looks like.
How can you shake your head at the mirror when you are a cluster of stardust, endless crashing nebulas, Constellations knit arteries together, galaxies strengthen your bones, and our love will hold your hair behind you as you walk the universe. Regret is just an attempt to avoid what has already happened. The past is in the past.
Love, I know that you feel like you have to change the world, save everyone you come across. But you're young. You're young and you've been through so much. I want you to know that it's okay if you only save one person, and that person is you.
But you have saved someone. You saved me. You changed my world forever. You changed the world.
You're worried that I'll wake up and see you? That I'll be disgusted and leave?
Sugar, I'm awake. I know that you're not perfect. You have problems and quirks and battle scars, both mental and physical. Do you think I don't know that? I'm more awake than I've ever been, and Baby, I'm never going anywhere.
If you ever feel like you want to die, please remember that where you are will not last forever. After you graduate, you can buy a big yellow raincoat and live in a tiny fishing village somewhere and eat lots of soup and ride your bike everywhere and be one with the mist.
You can run to the city and reinvent yourself, be anyone and anything you want to be and get a tiny apartment and a cat and be one with the sparkling city lights.
The options are literally endless. There is actually no limit to what you can do, where you can go, what you can become.
When you hurt, reach out. People will listen. People will care. It hurts to know that you hurt, to know that you bottle it all up. I'm as tired of all this pain as you,. So let's just breathe, talk, and get some febreez all up in this shit-scented room of life. Sound good?
Anger, fear, jealousy... those are all part of being human. They're all something that every single person has. Never let it fester. Never let it bottle up into a Molotov cocktail of emotion, because one day, it'll explode, and you wont be the only victim.
Think of it like a car. Those emotions turn on a little light on the dashboard. It's not a bad thing, it just means that someone should take a peek under the hood, make sure that everything's okay. But if you let that light stay on, if you ignore it, pretending that it's normal, the toxicity will leak out and cause you to crash or your engine to fail.
If ever you feel so alive that you could die, like your atoms are straining to tears themselves apart, there are a few things I want you to remember:
- Somewhere in the world, someone's kissing a newborn baby. Someone is taking a deep breath in a bakery and someone is coloring their hair the color of the sky and someone just confessed their love for someone and you're alive to read this right now and you'll be okay.
-Humans give each other flowers as a sentiment. We hold each other's hands to say hello and dewdrops fall from our eyes when we're sad. We press our lips together and feel good by listening to vibrations of music in the air. We're all just little animals, having breakfast and falling in love beneath billions of stars.
- While you are the most beautiful/handsome person I've ever met, you are not obligated to be so. You are allowed to have days where an old shirt and pajama bottoms are all you can muster. Where even brushing your hair feels like climbing Mt Everest. And that's okay. That happens to every person sometimes.
- You are never obligated to stay with someone. You need to know when you're more in love with the memories of the person than with the person standing in front of you. And that is 100% okay. People change. You are not the same person you were two weeks ago, not even two minutes ago.
- And more than anything, remember that I love you. You have saved me, and you continue to save me everyday by giving me hope, just knowing that someone live you exists in the world at the same time as me.
- The universe is infinite. The stars don't care who you are or what you do. The galaxy doesn't care about that you mess up sometimes. You owe the universe nothing. You exist on your own terms.
- You do NOT have permission to kill yourself, I will not forgive you. I will always love you, but I will not forgive you.
I know that you hurt, but remember that the sky is beautiful and there are going to be times when we're sad and make mistakes but there are also moments when we will fall in love with the world and adore all the oxygen in our lungs and never be scared of ourselves.
Sweetheart, Let survival change from a battle cry to a victory march, because the war will be won.
And I've said these words so many times. I'll repeat myself as many times as I have to, until you're repeating my words in your sleep. And let it be known: every single word I wrote is the bona fide truth.
You will survive. We will survive together.
I love you.
I love you more than you could ever imagine.
<3 - Your Sopapilla
Words cannot describe how much I love you. How much I thank the universe for coming to be in just a way that allowed us to meet.
You stopped me from crashing into the stars in a fiery explosion in a world without air. I will stop you from colliding with the trees, from letting your soul be ripped from cold iron branches. I will never let that happen. We've met in the middle.
And one day, or maybe you have already, asked yourself how much people would miss you. You weigh the pros and cons of breathing.
But Darling, when I think of you asking me whether it would be worth it, I lean back and a hundred thousand memories will flood my mind. Hundreds of shared tears. Thousands of songs and poems. Hugs and kisses and snuggles. Whispers of toxic memories and mistakes that echo within us, that dissipate in the golden light of laughter to the point of tears and fingers running lovingly through your hair, leaving traces of starlight in their wake. Secrets. Jokes. Fears. Love.
And I'll say out loud that we have worn the seasons under our sleeves, on our thighs and legs, running down our cheeks. This is what surviving looks like.
How can you shake your head at the mirror when you are a cluster of stardust, endless crashing nebulas, Constellations knit arteries together, galaxies strengthen your bones, and our love will hold your hair behind you as you walk the universe. Regret is just an attempt to avoid what has already happened. The past is in the past.
Love, I know that you feel like you have to change the world, save everyone you come across. But you're young. You're young and you've been through so much. I want you to know that it's okay if you only save one person, and that person is you.
But you have saved someone. You saved me. You changed my world forever. You changed the world.
You're worried that I'll wake up and see you? That I'll be disgusted and leave?
Sugar, I'm awake. I know that you're not perfect. You have problems and quirks and battle scars, both mental and physical. Do you think I don't know that? I'm more awake than I've ever been, and Baby, I'm never going anywhere.
If you ever feel like you want to die, please remember that where you are will not last forever. After you graduate, you can buy a big yellow raincoat and live in a tiny fishing village somewhere and eat lots of soup and ride your bike everywhere and be one with the mist.
You can run to the city and reinvent yourself, be anyone and anything you want to be and get a tiny apartment and a cat and be one with the sparkling city lights.
The options are literally endless. There is actually no limit to what you can do, where you can go, what you can become.
When you hurt, reach out. People will listen. People will care. It hurts to know that you hurt, to know that you bottle it all up. I'm as tired of all this pain as you,. So let's just breathe, talk, and get some febreez all up in this shit-scented room of life. Sound good?
Anger, fear, jealousy... those are all part of being human. They're all something that every single person has. Never let it fester. Never let it bottle up into a Molotov cocktail of emotion, because one day, it'll explode, and you wont be the only victim.
Think of it like a car. Those emotions turn on a little light on the dashboard. It's not a bad thing, it just means that someone should take a peek under the hood, make sure that everything's okay. But if you let that light stay on, if you ignore it, pretending that it's normal, the toxicity will leak out and cause you to crash or your engine to fail.
If ever you feel so alive that you could die, like your atoms are straining to tears themselves apart, there are a few things I want you to remember:
- Somewhere in the world, someone's kissing a newborn baby. Someone is taking a deep breath in a bakery and someone is coloring their hair the color of the sky and someone just confessed their love for someone and you're alive to read this right now and you'll be okay.
-Humans give each other flowers as a sentiment. We hold each other's hands to say hello and dewdrops fall from our eyes when we're sad. We press our lips together and feel good by listening to vibrations of music in the air. We're all just little animals, having breakfast and falling in love beneath billions of stars.
- While you are the most beautiful/handsome person I've ever met, you are not obligated to be so. You are allowed to have days where an old shirt and pajama bottoms are all you can muster. Where even brushing your hair feels like climbing Mt Everest. And that's okay. That happens to every person sometimes.
- You are never obligated to stay with someone. You need to know when you're more in love with the memories of the person than with the person standing in front of you. And that is 100% okay. People change. You are not the same person you were two weeks ago, not even two minutes ago.
- And more than anything, remember that I love you. You have saved me, and you continue to save me everyday by giving me hope, just knowing that someone live you exists in the world at the same time as me.
- The universe is infinite. The stars don't care who you are or what you do. The galaxy doesn't care about that you mess up sometimes. You owe the universe nothing. You exist on your own terms.
- You do NOT have permission to kill yourself, I will not forgive you. I will always love you, but I will not forgive you.
I know that you hurt, but remember that the sky is beautiful and there are going to be times when we're sad and make mistakes but there are also moments when we will fall in love with the world and adore all the oxygen in our lungs and never be scared of ourselves.
Sweetheart, Let survival change from a battle cry to a victory march, because the war will be won.
And I've said these words so many times. I'll repeat myself as many times as I have to, until you're repeating my words in your sleep. And let it be known: every single word I wrote is the bona fide truth.
You will survive. We will survive together.
I love you.
I love you more than you could ever imagine.
<3 - Your Sopapilla
Someone tell Victoria that her Secret is out
I was able to hang out with Bambi for the first time in two months!
We went to the mall to shop for school clothes. (because this year they're making it so that dresses HAVE to have collars, for whatever reason...)
So i got a cute collared dress and a skirt and a shirt and then we had extra time.
So we went in Victoria's Secret.
I'd never been in one before, and ended up getting a pair of sexy panties. *shrug* ya never know when you might need some i guess.
All was going well, until i realized that my phone ringer had been off. And i had three angry messages from my mother.
We literally RAN across the mall to meet her.
i found out that she had been about to just leave, and maybe pick me up late tonite.
It took some time to wrap my head around that.
We went to the mall to shop for school clothes. (because this year they're making it so that dresses HAVE to have collars, for whatever reason...)
So i got a cute collared dress and a skirt and a shirt and then we had extra time.
So we went in Victoria's Secret.
I'd never been in one before, and ended up getting a pair of sexy panties. *shrug* ya never know when you might need some i guess.
All was going well, until i realized that my phone ringer had been off. And i had three angry messages from my mother.
We literally RAN across the mall to meet her.
i found out that she had been about to just leave, and maybe pick me up late tonite.
It took some time to wrap my head around that.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
A House isn't a Home
Camp. God, camp. Five weeks of actual paradise.
And now I'm back at my house.
Not my home.
I think, to start with, I'll list some of the biggest things I did.
First of all, i saw my friend Alex again. She's been so important in my life, and it's safe to say that she's one of the main reasons that I'm still alive.
We played Wink, a violent game where you have to stop the person in front of you from kissing the person in the middle of the circle. I got kicked a lot, got a bloody lip. It's so fun.
Alex taught me to swing dance and to do the Charleston (sort of)
We went to volunteer at a humane society. I walked an amazing German Shepard named Georgia. Then while i was running another dog down a hill, i tripped over it and rolled down the hill, and ended up with a lot less skin. It was awesome.
We went to a rodeo, where i got henna on my leg and my (black) friend Nick bought a confederate flag hat. It was pretty great.
I worked in maintenance, housekeeping, farming, and kitchen. While housekeeping made me want to tear my eyes out, maintenance and farming were definitely my favorite. Although i think i took like fifteen total chocolate bars from the kitchen.
I spooned with Alex and two other people on a tiny twin bed, which was fun.
We went to a concert of the band Porch 40, which wasn't fun at first, but got great after it started raining and they started doing covers. They put us on their instagram, which is epic.
I flashed my boobs at some people. And kissed some people. And got a hickey from a person. And then everyone just stopped caring and walked around naked.
Alex cut my hair. She chopped off about six inches, and honestly, it feels amazing. I've always been scared to cut my hair, and one day i just thought "fuck it" and she's great with hair and stuff, so...
The local semi-feral cat left us several eviscerated rats. She's really sweet.
For forth of July, we took off our shirts and smeared our faces with charcoal and danced around a fire. It was awesome.
Then we had the Elf Graham Incident. Basically, one person started stealing as much of the leftover snacks, (chocolate elf grahams), as they could carry. Then everyone started stealing them. We hoarded them in one persons guitar case. Then, after dinner, they were GONE. We later found out that another person hid them all. When they were found, everyone grabbed as much as they could and raced in different directions. Some hid theirs in treestumps, some under boardwalks. It got very intense.
We went on a high ropes course, where we all pretended to be Lara Croft. Very fun, I also got my period 35 feet in the air.
I learned to make roasted potatoes for 130 people, giving myself an epic blister.
We went roller skating, I was horrible, no surprise there, but then i won a weird pink gorilla/rhino/thing and gave it to a startstruck lil child. Starstruck at my incredible arm-aiming skills. And bombshell lipstick.
My lovely wife, Alex, (totally legally) got us toy engagement rings. Later, my other wife, Kendall, had Robert make us each rings as well.
Our Ascender project was building a 12 ft wall for people to try and work together to get themselves over. We did it ourselves, and it's pretty great.
Kendall bought a pineapple, so we built a shitty box to put it in at like 10 at night, then gave it to our friend Vee to pry open. Another huge highlight.
On our last day, we went to a lake. Alex, Kendall, and I walked on a trail around it. We came to a little wooden bridge over a freezing cold stream. Alex walked up the stream to adventure, while Kendall and I sat and talked. I reached down and pulled a beautiful, round stone out of the stream. I started crying. I was just so happy and so sad and everything was beautiful and perfect and I never wanted to move.
I didnt sleep that night. I literally decided not to go to sleep, because when i woke up, it would be over.
I think this was the most at peace I've ever been when leaving. We all cried a lot more later, but I was at peace. It was funny, as soon as i turned around and saw my mother, i got a pounding headache.
Now I'm going to list a bunch of memes that were ours so that I dont forget:
- YAMMED, FUCKING YAMMED
-Grape
- schedge up
- a big and funny meme
- A thousand small and unfunny memes
- shouts out to...
- original content
- maybe for a hotdog!
- Gucci Main
- GUYS I GOTTA GO *takes off shirt*
- crazy how nature make dat
- Can i name my son___?
- ugh gag me with a spoon
It's so weird being home. Nothing feels real, like this place is the temporary retreat and I'm desperate to get home. I'm not home.
And now I'm back at my house.
Not my home.
I think, to start with, I'll list some of the biggest things I did.
First of all, i saw my friend Alex again. She's been so important in my life, and it's safe to say that she's one of the main reasons that I'm still alive.
We played Wink, a violent game where you have to stop the person in front of you from kissing the person in the middle of the circle. I got kicked a lot, got a bloody lip. It's so fun.
Alex taught me to swing dance and to do the Charleston (sort of)
We went to volunteer at a humane society. I walked an amazing German Shepard named Georgia. Then while i was running another dog down a hill, i tripped over it and rolled down the hill, and ended up with a lot less skin. It was awesome.
We went to a rodeo, where i got henna on my leg and my (black) friend Nick bought a confederate flag hat. It was pretty great.
I worked in maintenance, housekeeping, farming, and kitchen. While housekeeping made me want to tear my eyes out, maintenance and farming were definitely my favorite. Although i think i took like fifteen total chocolate bars from the kitchen.
I spooned with Alex and two other people on a tiny twin bed, which was fun.
We went to a concert of the band Porch 40, which wasn't fun at first, but got great after it started raining and they started doing covers. They put us on their instagram, which is epic.
I flashed my boobs at some people. And kissed some people. And got a hickey from a person. And then everyone just stopped caring and walked around naked.
Alex cut my hair. She chopped off about six inches, and honestly, it feels amazing. I've always been scared to cut my hair, and one day i just thought "fuck it" and she's great with hair and stuff, so...
The local semi-feral cat left us several eviscerated rats. She's really sweet.
For forth of July, we took off our shirts and smeared our faces with charcoal and danced around a fire. It was awesome.
Then we had the Elf Graham Incident. Basically, one person started stealing as much of the leftover snacks, (chocolate elf grahams), as they could carry. Then everyone started stealing them. We hoarded them in one persons guitar case. Then, after dinner, they were GONE. We later found out that another person hid them all. When they were found, everyone grabbed as much as they could and raced in different directions. Some hid theirs in treestumps, some under boardwalks. It got very intense.
We went on a high ropes course, where we all pretended to be Lara Croft. Very fun, I also got my period 35 feet in the air.
I learned to make roasted potatoes for 130 people, giving myself an epic blister.
We went roller skating, I was horrible, no surprise there, but then i won a weird pink gorilla/rhino/thing and gave it to a startstruck lil child. Starstruck at my incredible arm-aiming skills. And bombshell lipstick.
My lovely wife, Alex, (totally legally) got us toy engagement rings. Later, my other wife, Kendall, had Robert make us each rings as well.
Our Ascender project was building a 12 ft wall for people to try and work together to get themselves over. We did it ourselves, and it's pretty great.
Kendall bought a pineapple, so we built a shitty box to put it in at like 10 at night, then gave it to our friend Vee to pry open. Another huge highlight.
On our last day, we went to a lake. Alex, Kendall, and I walked on a trail around it. We came to a little wooden bridge over a freezing cold stream. Alex walked up the stream to adventure, while Kendall and I sat and talked. I reached down and pulled a beautiful, round stone out of the stream. I started crying. I was just so happy and so sad and everything was beautiful and perfect and I never wanted to move.
I didnt sleep that night. I literally decided not to go to sleep, because when i woke up, it would be over.
I think this was the most at peace I've ever been when leaving. We all cried a lot more later, but I was at peace. It was funny, as soon as i turned around and saw my mother, i got a pounding headache.
Now I'm going to list a bunch of memes that were ours so that I dont forget:
- YAMMED, FUCKING YAMMED
-Grape
- schedge up
- a big and funny meme
- A thousand small and unfunny memes
- shouts out to...
- original content
- maybe for a hotdog!
- Gucci Main
- GUYS I GOTTA GO *takes off shirt*
- crazy how nature make dat
- Can i name my son___?
- ugh gag me with a spoon
It's so weird being home. Nothing feels real, like this place is the temporary retreat and I'm desperate to get home. I'm not home.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Returning home, to my phantom limb
There are two things I'm worried about:
1 - Eating. when my depression gets bad, it gets hard to eat. Like, I'm hungry, my stomach wants food, but my mouth feels like it's closed too tight and my throat feels like it'll just push the food back up. I'm just hoping that it wont be as bad at camp.
2 - Leaving. Every year, when it's the last night at camp, it gets harder and harder to leave. Leave the friends I've made, leave our cabin, leave the whole mountainside. The first year, it was like tearing away a metaphorical bandaid. Hard, but not SO hard. It got harder though. Especially last year.
I remember the last night. It was one of the best and worst nights of my life.
We had our final family council, many many tears were shed. And Maya and I went out on the porch and she rested her head in my lap and we looked at the stars and the mountains and it was beautiful. Then our councilor, Juniper, came out and sat with us and she started talking about the stars and the beginning of the universe. And tears were coming out, not quite crying, just quiet, slow tears. And I hugged Maya for a long, long time, and neither of us would let go. It felt like i was getting torn away from my home, the one place that felt more like home than anywhere else.
And that was just after two weeks there.
I'm worried about what will happen this year, after FIVE weeks there. I'm worried i might jump off of a cliff. I'm worried because when i got back to my house last year, It took a solid month to feel right again. It was like the mountain was this phantom limb that i kept reaching for. A whole month of reaching for it, when i only had it for two weeks. Who will i be when i get back to my house this year?
Camp. God, it's so close. I have this feeling in my teeth, in my legs, like i want to jump up and run there rather than wait two more days.
And i know that when the time comes, there'll be that part of me that would rather die than leave again.
1 - Eating. when my depression gets bad, it gets hard to eat. Like, I'm hungry, my stomach wants food, but my mouth feels like it's closed too tight and my throat feels like it'll just push the food back up. I'm just hoping that it wont be as bad at camp.
2 - Leaving. Every year, when it's the last night at camp, it gets harder and harder to leave. Leave the friends I've made, leave our cabin, leave the whole mountainside. The first year, it was like tearing away a metaphorical bandaid. Hard, but not SO hard. It got harder though. Especially last year.
I remember the last night. It was one of the best and worst nights of my life.
We had our final family council, many many tears were shed. And Maya and I went out on the porch and she rested her head in my lap and we looked at the stars and the mountains and it was beautiful. Then our councilor, Juniper, came out and sat with us and she started talking about the stars and the beginning of the universe. And tears were coming out, not quite crying, just quiet, slow tears. And I hugged Maya for a long, long time, and neither of us would let go. It felt like i was getting torn away from my home, the one place that felt more like home than anywhere else.
And that was just after two weeks there.
I'm worried about what will happen this year, after FIVE weeks there. I'm worried i might jump off of a cliff. I'm worried because when i got back to my house last year, It took a solid month to feel right again. It was like the mountain was this phantom limb that i kept reaching for. A whole month of reaching for it, when i only had it for two weeks. Who will i be when i get back to my house this year?
Camp. God, it's so close. I have this feeling in my teeth, in my legs, like i want to jump up and run there rather than wait two more days.
And i know that when the time comes, there'll be that part of me that would rather die than leave again.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Bahamanos
Yeah so it's family vacation time. I'm currently writing this on the last day of our trip to the Bahamas. It was mostly pretty chill, with some excitement mixed in.
Some back story: the whole cruise we were trying to go on was a scam. They changed the rules and prices like nine times. And we had to sit through two timeshare meetings, about five hours each.
The cruise itself was nice, i guess. Everything is expensive. Everything.
First of all, when we got there, we went to a butterfly/bird sanctuary, which was BADASS. I made the mistake of buying a cup of nectar for the birds. There were like eight on my arms, three hanging off of my shoulders, one on my head, and one hanging on by my braid. And these were heavy birds. They then decided to thank me by shitting on me when they were done.
Second, i should mention that the Bahamas are fucking BEAUTIFUL. Like in all those pictures, where the water is like fifteen shades of bright blue and you're like, 'nuh-uh, that has to be touched up.'
ITS REAL.
THE WATER IS ACTUALLY LIKE FIFTEEN SHADES OF BRIGHT BLUE.
WTF.
Third, we went snorkeling. Twice. The first time, we went to a fairly small reef a few miles out at sea. We saw a ton of cool coral and some pretty chill fish. It was more exciting just cuz it was so new. The second reef however, is where all the amazing fish and stuff was at. We saw some really cool fishies, but then i looked up and THERE WAS A FUCKING GIANT-ASS TURTLE IN FRONT OF ME.
LIKE THIS HUGE LOGGERHEAD TURTLE LIKE FOUR FEET ACROSS WITH A GIANT FISH SUCKERED ONTO THE SHELL JUST SWIMMING ALONG LIKE A MAJESTIC FUCKING SEA COW
So i followed it for a while and then this secOND FUCKING TURTLE SHOWED UP AND JUST ZOOMED PAST LIKE WTF so eventually i just let them go on their merry way cuz i have the stamina of a six year old.
Fourth, I went parasailing. Twice. It's really amazing, being so high in the air. It;s weird how calm it is. Since only two people could go at a time, i went once with my mum and once with my dad. The first time went fine. The SECOND time however, things went down. And by 'went down,' i mean i fucked up.
Basically we're supposed so run with the wind to let the parachute lift us up. But i, for some reason, JUMPED off the dock. Which caused me to basically spin around and end up upside down. Which also caused me to hit the edge of the dock.
With my elbow.
Which ended up about as well as you might expect.
I'm about five inches of skin lighter now.
So yeah.
Some back story: the whole cruise we were trying to go on was a scam. They changed the rules and prices like nine times. And we had to sit through two timeshare meetings, about five hours each.
The cruise itself was nice, i guess. Everything is expensive. Everything.
First of all, when we got there, we went to a butterfly/bird sanctuary, which was BADASS. I made the mistake of buying a cup of nectar for the birds. There were like eight on my arms, three hanging off of my shoulders, one on my head, and one hanging on by my braid. And these were heavy birds. They then decided to thank me by shitting on me when they were done.
Second, i should mention that the Bahamas are fucking BEAUTIFUL. Like in all those pictures, where the water is like fifteen shades of bright blue and you're like, 'nuh-uh, that has to be touched up.'
ITS REAL.
THE WATER IS ACTUALLY LIKE FIFTEEN SHADES OF BRIGHT BLUE.
WTF.
Third, we went snorkeling. Twice. The first time, we went to a fairly small reef a few miles out at sea. We saw a ton of cool coral and some pretty chill fish. It was more exciting just cuz it was so new. The second reef however, is where all the amazing fish and stuff was at. We saw some really cool fishies, but then i looked up and THERE WAS A FUCKING GIANT-ASS TURTLE IN FRONT OF ME.
LIKE THIS HUGE LOGGERHEAD TURTLE LIKE FOUR FEET ACROSS WITH A GIANT FISH SUCKERED ONTO THE SHELL JUST SWIMMING ALONG LIKE A MAJESTIC FUCKING SEA COW
So i followed it for a while and then this secOND FUCKING TURTLE SHOWED UP AND JUST ZOOMED PAST LIKE WTF so eventually i just let them go on their merry way cuz i have the stamina of a six year old.
Fourth, I went parasailing. Twice. It's really amazing, being so high in the air. It;s weird how calm it is. Since only two people could go at a time, i went once with my mum and once with my dad. The first time went fine. The SECOND time however, things went down. And by 'went down,' i mean i fucked up.
Basically we're supposed so run with the wind to let the parachute lift us up. But i, for some reason, JUMPED off the dock. Which caused me to basically spin around and end up upside down. Which also caused me to hit the edge of the dock.
With my elbow.
Which ended up about as well as you might expect.
I'm about five inches of skin lighter now.
So yeah.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Yes, tears were shed
So, Hae-Jin came over to spend the night. We ate pizza and watched anime and talked until pretty late.
When we dropped her off in the morning, we hugged for like a solid thirty seconds while my parents sat by getting irritated with us.
Yes, tears were shed. Lots of tears. Soon she's off to the wild land of Texas.
Right after that we were off to therapy, which was fine until i realized that my dad was with us for some reason. Then my mother revealed that she wanted a family therapy session again. I did not want this for many reasons.
So after we get there we talk for a bit, then the main issue came up. Which was that my mum wanted to visit me at camp. I really, REALLY didnt want that to happen. Camp i like my home away from home, it's where i feel safe and comfortable. If she showed up, i would be worrying about it for days and it would ruin the happy energy there.
Home and camp are two separate things in my life, and i want to keep it that way.
When we dropped her off in the morning, we hugged for like a solid thirty seconds while my parents sat by getting irritated with us.
Yes, tears were shed. Lots of tears. Soon she's off to the wild land of Texas.
Right after that we were off to therapy, which was fine until i realized that my dad was with us for some reason. Then my mother revealed that she wanted a family therapy session again. I did not want this for many reasons.
So after we get there we talk for a bit, then the main issue came up. Which was that my mum wanted to visit me at camp. I really, REALLY didnt want that to happen. Camp i like my home away from home, it's where i feel safe and comfortable. If she showed up, i would be worrying about it for days and it would ruin the happy energy there.
Home and camp are two separate things in my life, and i want to keep it that way.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Murder, She Wrote
Wow. Okay, I'll start from the beginning.
First of all, my friend Bambi had an 'End of school pool party/movie marathon/gathering of nerds. We all got a bit sunburned, gorged ourselves on food, watched corny horror movies and then (at my insistence), The Artistocats. Best movie ever. Then, after most people had left, we just hung out. By 'we,' i mean Bambi, the girl i have a huge crush on, and i. Funnnnn.
We ended up having to share an air mattress. Jesus fucking christ, i was not prepared for this. But it was nice, in a way. Easier than i thought it'd be.
But it almost murdered me.
~
Something else is that one of my best friends, the first person i met when i moved here nine years ago, is moving.
It's really sad - she knows me better than almost anyone. We've helped each other through some of the worst periods of our life.
And tbh, I'm worried about her. She's one of the strongest people i know, but somehow i cant imagine life without her.
~
On a bit of a happier note, my meds have been more effective lately. Not 'healed', but there's less bad days.
Normally, life is either bad or neutral. Now i have actual happy moments.
Granted, the shock of feeling happy usually overpowers the happiness pretty fast, but it's still nice.
I've been sleeping about 16 hours a day, which my doctor calls 'unhealthy.' Since i sleep about 12 hours each night, then usually take a nap for 2 - 4 hours each day, i dont have a lot of time that I'm actually conscious.
They dont know if it's the depression, a thyroid problem, vitamin deficiency, etc...
Actually, it might be the vitamins, since my meds make me not feel hungry and my parents at work all day, i regularly forget to eat breakfast. And lunch.
~
And since I'm dropping spanish, it's leaving more time to focus on Swedish.
We got our schedules for next year - i have FOUR art classes, pottery, sculpture, AP:3D, and comp III. I dont know how that happened.
I'm also taking AP literature next year, which I'm actually pretty excited about. But it means i have a lot of work to do over the summer.
Kill me.
~
Finally, we're going on vacation in about a week, to the Bahamas. on a shady cruiseline to a shady town where we'll probably be sold to gypsies. So. Excited.
(help me)
First of all, my friend Bambi had an 'End of school pool party/movie marathon/gathering of nerds. We all got a bit sunburned, gorged ourselves on food, watched corny horror movies and then (at my insistence), The Artistocats. Best movie ever. Then, after most people had left, we just hung out. By 'we,' i mean Bambi, the girl i have a huge crush on, and i. Funnnnn.
We ended up having to share an air mattress. Jesus fucking christ, i was not prepared for this. But it was nice, in a way. Easier than i thought it'd be.
But it almost murdered me.
~
Something else is that one of my best friends, the first person i met when i moved here nine years ago, is moving.
It's really sad - she knows me better than almost anyone. We've helped each other through some of the worst periods of our life.
And tbh, I'm worried about her. She's one of the strongest people i know, but somehow i cant imagine life without her.
~
On a bit of a happier note, my meds have been more effective lately. Not 'healed', but there's less bad days.
Normally, life is either bad or neutral. Now i have actual happy moments.
Granted, the shock of feeling happy usually overpowers the happiness pretty fast, but it's still nice.
I've been sleeping about 16 hours a day, which my doctor calls 'unhealthy.' Since i sleep about 12 hours each night, then usually take a nap for 2 - 4 hours each day, i dont have a lot of time that I'm actually conscious.
They dont know if it's the depression, a thyroid problem, vitamin deficiency, etc...
Actually, it might be the vitamins, since my meds make me not feel hungry and my parents at work all day, i regularly forget to eat breakfast. And lunch.
~
And since I'm dropping spanish, it's leaving more time to focus on Swedish.
We got our schedules for next year - i have FOUR art classes, pottery, sculpture, AP:3D, and comp III. I dont know how that happened.
I'm also taking AP literature next year, which I'm actually pretty excited about. But it means i have a lot of work to do over the summer.
Kill me.
~
Finally, we're going on vacation in about a week, to the Bahamas. on a shady cruiseline to a shady town where we'll probably be sold to gypsies. So. Excited.
(help me)
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Just let me swan-dive out of a window
It is close.
It is upon us.
Finals have come.
...
Fuck.
I just... I don't want to do this. I hate this.
This year, the state is testing out a new kind of final, called the GMAS, which I guess will replace the EOCT. But since it is the first year, we are the guinea pigs, and it doesn't count towards our grade.
So, the teachers were given ANOTHER test, the EOC, to give to us, which DOES count towards our grade. 10%, in fact.
BUT HOLD ON TO YOUR FLAPJACKS THATS NOT ALL.
No, two tests were not enough; so for whatever FUCKING REASON, WE GET ANOTHER TEST TOO.
the SLO, which counts for another 10% of our grade.
Three finals, roughly 18 tests, in three weeks.
They really want to see how far they can push us before we all start swan-diving out of third stpry windows. An I tell ya, its not gonna take much more.
You know how I've been almost completely emotionally numb for like, a year? Well the stress of these tests were enough to punch through the barrier. Which means I am now either numb or extremely anxious at any given time.
It started with a weird feeling in my mouth - a weird, tingly feeling, dry. It escalated to a panic attack, but hasn't gone QUITE that far again.
Though it could have something to do with my meds, we just doubled them; they're at 150 mg now.
Still, it's nice to just... feel something again.
~
Also, on a happier note, I went out with some friends on Saturday.
We were testing makeup on a friend who never wears makeup, for her to be ready for some giant awards thing at school.
She hated every second of it of course, so to make her feel better, we put makeup on her boyfriend, (basically my brother), as well. He looked ever better than her, if I do say so myself.
Then, we went out to eat.
The perfect evening.
A bonus, was that while we were walking around town, I got to hold hands with my crush!
... Even if it was complicated.
See, the girl that we put makeup on has a hard time expressing affection, so she wouldn't hold my brother's hand. So, I held HER hand, and my crush held my other hand, and another person held makeup girl's hand, and my brother held HER hand. So we channeled all the hand holding energy into him.
Still.
As I was leaving my almost-brother's house, a crazy storm started up, with hurricane-force winds. Branches were blowing down everywhere, you could barely see through the rain, and pretty much half the town lost power, including stoplights.
So that was fun.
Finally, my uncle is flying in to visit us for like three weeks on Thursday. He's mentally retarded, but is a real sweet heart, and loves trains. So I'm looking forward to it.
It is upon us.
Finals have come.
...
Fuck.
I just... I don't want to do this. I hate this.
This year, the state is testing out a new kind of final, called the GMAS, which I guess will replace the EOCT. But since it is the first year, we are the guinea pigs, and it doesn't count towards our grade.
So, the teachers were given ANOTHER test, the EOC, to give to us, which DOES count towards our grade. 10%, in fact.
BUT HOLD ON TO YOUR FLAPJACKS THATS NOT ALL.
No, two tests were not enough; so for whatever FUCKING REASON, WE GET ANOTHER TEST TOO.
the SLO, which counts for another 10% of our grade.
Three finals, roughly 18 tests, in three weeks.
They really want to see how far they can push us before we all start swan-diving out of third stpry windows. An I tell ya, its not gonna take much more.
You know how I've been almost completely emotionally numb for like, a year? Well the stress of these tests were enough to punch through the barrier. Which means I am now either numb or extremely anxious at any given time.
It started with a weird feeling in my mouth - a weird, tingly feeling, dry. It escalated to a panic attack, but hasn't gone QUITE that far again.
Though it could have something to do with my meds, we just doubled them; they're at 150 mg now.
Still, it's nice to just... feel something again.
~
Also, on a happier note, I went out with some friends on Saturday.
We were testing makeup on a friend who never wears makeup, for her to be ready for some giant awards thing at school.
She hated every second of it of course, so to make her feel better, we put makeup on her boyfriend, (basically my brother), as well. He looked ever better than her, if I do say so myself.
Then, we went out to eat.
The perfect evening.
A bonus, was that while we were walking around town, I got to hold hands with my crush!
... Even if it was complicated.
See, the girl that we put makeup on has a hard time expressing affection, so she wouldn't hold my brother's hand. So, I held HER hand, and my crush held my other hand, and another person held makeup girl's hand, and my brother held HER hand. So we channeled all the hand holding energy into him.
Still.
As I was leaving my almost-brother's house, a crazy storm started up, with hurricane-force winds. Branches were blowing down everywhere, you could barely see through the rain, and pretty much half the town lost power, including stoplights.
So that was fun.
Finally, my uncle is flying in to visit us for like three weeks on Thursday. He's mentally retarded, but is a real sweet heart, and loves trains. So I'm looking forward to it.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
They know what I'm thinking. Only aliens shpould have that information.
So bright and early Thursday afternoon, I got in the car and drove to the neurologist. Just a normal afternoon. Then a lady started gluing electrodes to my head.
It was for my 24 hour EEG.
Fuuuunnnnnnn.
Basically they glued a bunch of electrodes all over my head and chest, wrapped my head up in a wrap that made my brain feel like it was leaking out of my ears. Then they gave me a bag that was attached to my head via a shit load of wires.
It meant that I always had my head bent at an awkward angle, a constant headache, and yeah. Not a fun time.
AAAAAAND the cover slipped off while I was slipping, so I got electrode cream all over my pillow.
The next day could not come fast enough.
But it was so weird, because I'd see an adorable post from one of my ships ad be like AWWWW but then I'd be like "What if they can see my brainwaves and tell that I'm feeling proud of my OTP." So I just sat there watching Netflix all day.
Also, I found out that electrode cream is basically plastic in your hair.
It was for my 24 hour EEG.
Fuuuunnnnnnn.
Basically they glued a bunch of electrodes all over my head and chest, wrapped my head up in a wrap that made my brain feel like it was leaking out of my ears. Then they gave me a bag that was attached to my head via a shit load of wires.
It meant that I always had my head bent at an awkward angle, a constant headache, and yeah. Not a fun time.
AAAAAAND the cover slipped off while I was slipping, so I got electrode cream all over my pillow.
The next day could not come fast enough.
But it was so weird, because I'd see an adorable post from one of my ships ad be like AWWWW but then I'd be like "What if they can see my brainwaves and tell that I'm feeling proud of my OTP." So I just sat there watching Netflix all day.
Also, I found out that electrode cream is basically plastic in your hair.
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Holy spring break, Batman!
Today I got back from my 'big spring break' trip.
It was beautiful. And wonderful. And amazing.
I went with my friend Bambi, her moms, and twin 10 yr old brother and sister to DISNEY WORLD!!!
Its great because,
A) four days away from my parents
B) Disney World
C) they don't give a crap about healthy eating while they're on vacation
D) DISNEY WORLD
E) four days with my BFF, yes please
F) DID I MENTION DISNEY WORLD
We left early Monday and spent the day wandering around 'old town' Orlando. It was basically two streets of tourist shops, but still fun. The store across from our motel was called "Machine Gun America."
I can't make this up.
Tuesday, we headed over to Magic Kingdom.
I always forget how long the lines are at Disney. Literally 80% of the time was waiting in line. When we first arrived, it was like "40 minute wait time?! Are you crazy?!" now it's like "AW HELL YEAH ONLY 40 MINUTES BARGAIN"
My friend, Quinn, had her birthday that day, so I asked her what she wanted from Disney. She wanted a princess, for irony.
I got her the seagull from Finding Nemo.
We did all the awesome rides, including my favorite, Big Thunder Mountain, twice. Except for Space Mountain, which was closed for maintenance.
The rest of Bambi's family left to check into our new hotel around 2, which left us to do whatever until they met up with us again at like 6. We decided to opt out of the fireworks show to wait in line for the aforementioned roller coaster, but we ended up seeing the fireworks right above us as we were hurtling along at 80mph, upside down.
I distinctly remember screaming "HOLY SHIT THIS IS AMAZING" at the top of my lungs.
Easily in the top 10 moments of my year.
Wednesday, we went to Epcot. We did the fun rides first, then went around to the different countries. I got oolong tea in China, and mango soda and hi-chew candy in Japan. It was great.
A great thing that happened was that while we were in line for the Space Mission ride, a girl who just moved from Britain started chatting me up. She was really shy, but started flirting pretty hard once we started talking. And yet... I never even got her name. *sigh*
AND, right when we left the ride, a guy started talking to me about the band on my shirt, (twenty-one pilots), and HE started hitting on me. Was it because I had my hair in a ponytail? A chemical leak? Radiation??? Who knows, but it felt great.
We left around four to go back to the hotel and swim. It was... very crowded. Then they had an outdoor movie viewing, which turned out to be Frozen. Which I'd seen at least 9 times, thanks to the fact that it was all any of the kids at the summer camp I worked at wanted to see. But I stayed and watched it anyway.
We checked out the next morning, hit ihop for late breakfast, and were home by 6:30. I discovered that one of the family members I can actually stand, Patrick, send me a belated birthday gift of a cat inside a banana. Ah, he knows me well. *wipes away tear*
Finally, a girl I've had a crush on for over a year, Izzy, started texting me. We're into the same youtubers, and we've bonded a bit. I'm way too much of a wimp to actually ask her out of anything, but we're meeting up at my Dad's art opening Saturday.
So excited!!!
Ah, I'm just really happy right now.
It was beautiful. And wonderful. And amazing.
I went with my friend Bambi, her moms, and twin 10 yr old brother and sister to DISNEY WORLD!!!
Its great because,
A) four days away from my parents
B) Disney World
C) they don't give a crap about healthy eating while they're on vacation
D) DISNEY WORLD
E) four days with my BFF, yes please
F) DID I MENTION DISNEY WORLD
We left early Monday and spent the day wandering around 'old town' Orlando. It was basically two streets of tourist shops, but still fun. The store across from our motel was called "Machine Gun America."
I can't make this up.
Tuesday, we headed over to Magic Kingdom.
I always forget how long the lines are at Disney. Literally 80% of the time was waiting in line. When we first arrived, it was like "40 minute wait time?! Are you crazy?!" now it's like "AW HELL YEAH ONLY 40 MINUTES BARGAIN"
My friend, Quinn, had her birthday that day, so I asked her what she wanted from Disney. She wanted a princess, for irony.
I got her the seagull from Finding Nemo.
We did all the awesome rides, including my favorite, Big Thunder Mountain, twice. Except for Space Mountain, which was closed for maintenance.
The rest of Bambi's family left to check into our new hotel around 2, which left us to do whatever until they met up with us again at like 6. We decided to opt out of the fireworks show to wait in line for the aforementioned roller coaster, but we ended up seeing the fireworks right above us as we were hurtling along at 80mph, upside down.
I distinctly remember screaming "HOLY SHIT THIS IS AMAZING" at the top of my lungs.
Easily in the top 10 moments of my year.
Wednesday, we went to Epcot. We did the fun rides first, then went around to the different countries. I got oolong tea in China, and mango soda and hi-chew candy in Japan. It was great.
A great thing that happened was that while we were in line for the Space Mission ride, a girl who just moved from Britain started chatting me up. She was really shy, but started flirting pretty hard once we started talking. And yet... I never even got her name. *sigh*
AND, right when we left the ride, a guy started talking to me about the band on my shirt, (twenty-one pilots), and HE started hitting on me. Was it because I had my hair in a ponytail? A chemical leak? Radiation??? Who knows, but it felt great.
We left around four to go back to the hotel and swim. It was... very crowded. Then they had an outdoor movie viewing, which turned out to be Frozen. Which I'd seen at least 9 times, thanks to the fact that it was all any of the kids at the summer camp I worked at wanted to see. But I stayed and watched it anyway.
We checked out the next morning, hit ihop for late breakfast, and were home by 6:30. I discovered that one of the family members I can actually stand, Patrick, send me a belated birthday gift of a cat inside a banana. Ah, he knows me well. *wipes away tear*
Finally, a girl I've had a crush on for over a year, Izzy, started texting me. We're into the same youtubers, and we've bonded a bit. I'm way too much of a wimp to actually ask her out of anything, but we're meeting up at my Dad's art opening Saturday.
So excited!!!
Ah, I'm just really happy right now.
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Why blisters are a good thing:
My birthday was today.
It.
Was.
Amazing.
We went to Starcastle, and I got tackled by a group of friends. That really is the best feeling. So we go in, get set up, and start shooting each other in lasertag.
The teams had uneven numbers, so this really awesome worker there joined my team. He was hilarious.
My team won, we got pizza, and go for another round. This time, it was against a bunch of little kids... and their really aggressive dads.
Yet we won again. Probably because of the awesome worker guy who joined our team again. "cuz we were cool people" AKA: teenagers who get way into playing lastertag against nine year olds.
I ended up getting some intense blisters.
After that, we all traveled back to my house, where we did cake and presents. (I got a lot of great things, but my friend Bambi made me a beautiful book with drawings of actors and youtubers I like. Also, she ordered me the Dan and Phil book! love that child. Also, a lot of people just gave me food. Like cookies and pancakes. They know me well.)
Then, my mum had apparently put together a 'quiz' about me, to see how well everyone knew me. Yet I didn't even know some of the answers. I didn't know I had a favorite car? But apparently I do. Oh well, people were laughing and couldn't take it seriously, so it went okay.
Then we all just went upstairs and sat around talking and having fun in general.
The party was supposed to end at six, but I called my dad on the phone (from three rooms away) to see if everyone could stay later, and they could.
Some people did go home, but the rest of us ended up downstairs playing 'Just Dance 2015'. It was hysterical, since only one of us actually know how to dance, and it's not me.
But now, it's just me and my friend Bambi, who's spending the night.
I actually had fun.
It's weird being older - I don't know if I like it. I don't understand how some people WANT to get older. Like maybe to leave a bad situation I can understand, I cant wait to leave my parents, but just to be older in general? Forget it.
At least I'm one year closer to being the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen.
It.
Was.
Amazing.
We went to Starcastle, and I got tackled by a group of friends. That really is the best feeling. So we go in, get set up, and start shooting each other in lasertag.
The teams had uneven numbers, so this really awesome worker there joined my team. He was hilarious.
My team won, we got pizza, and go for another round. This time, it was against a bunch of little kids... and their really aggressive dads.
Yet we won again. Probably because of the awesome worker guy who joined our team again. "cuz we were cool people" AKA: teenagers who get way into playing lastertag against nine year olds.
I ended up getting some intense blisters.
After that, we all traveled back to my house, where we did cake and presents. (I got a lot of great things, but my friend Bambi made me a beautiful book with drawings of actors and youtubers I like. Also, she ordered me the Dan and Phil book! love that child. Also, a lot of people just gave me food. Like cookies and pancakes. They know me well.)
Then, my mum had apparently put together a 'quiz' about me, to see how well everyone knew me. Yet I didn't even know some of the answers. I didn't know I had a favorite car? But apparently I do. Oh well, people were laughing and couldn't take it seriously, so it went okay.
Then we all just went upstairs and sat around talking and having fun in general.
The party was supposed to end at six, but I called my dad on the phone (from three rooms away) to see if everyone could stay later, and they could.
Some people did go home, but the rest of us ended up downstairs playing 'Just Dance 2015'. It was hysterical, since only one of us actually know how to dance, and it's not me.
But now, it's just me and my friend Bambi, who's spending the night.
I actually had fun.
It's weird being older - I don't know if I like it. I don't understand how some people WANT to get older. Like maybe to leave a bad situation I can understand, I cant wait to leave my parents, but just to be older in general? Forget it.
At least I'm one year closer to being the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen.
Saturday, March 21, 2015
No birthday drama, that'd be great thaaaaaaanks
So my 16th birthday is a week. I cant say I've been looking forward to it; I wont get my license for like four more months, because of the whole, "If you've had a seizure within the last six months, you're not allowed to drive" rule.
And of course, my mother is freaking out. I didn't really want a party, but since she didn't have a 'sweet sixteen,' she has to live vicariously through me.
SHE wanted to do something like rent out a ballroom and have a fancy party; I wanted to have everyone marathon all 8 Harry Potter movies.
Which she was against, to say the least.
We compromised on laser tag
It's going to be next Saturday, and the girl I've had a crush on for a year is going to be there. Needless to say, I'm excited.
The new medication has been helping some, I think. I don't feel BETTER per say, more like there's less bad days. I feel numb most of the time, but that's better than the heavy, dark feeling in my bones to go along with the numbness.
Things haven't all been good however. Today, I got an email from The Mountain, saying that the application is incomplete. They're giving me an extension, it's due by the 27th instead of the 20th. My mother, of course, forgot to inform me of said email until today.
She seems very reluctant about it.
It's just funny to me, considering The Mountain is sometimes all the keeps me going, knowing that I'm going to be there for five weeks instead of two, that I'll see old friends again, be myself, feel more at home than I do here all year.
~
A few minutes ago, she came home with four different kinds of acne treatment. I don't have BAD acne, just some spots. But I just have the skin for it, and I've come to accept that I'll probably have it for a while. But every few weeks she does this - comes home with some new treatment that does nothing but burn or make my face bright red. It bugs me that she cares for about my looks than I do - and my self-esteem is generally in the toilet. So I have troubled thoughts, and a self-esteem to match, but I still tale what peace I can make with myself.
Ah well.
In other news, we found out that my next-door neighbor, the chief of police, is now a convicted felon and is going to prison. Lovely.
And of course, my mother is freaking out. I didn't really want a party, but since she didn't have a 'sweet sixteen,' she has to live vicariously through me.
SHE wanted to do something like rent out a ballroom and have a fancy party; I wanted to have everyone marathon all 8 Harry Potter movies.
Which she was against, to say the least.
We compromised on laser tag
It's going to be next Saturday, and the girl I've had a crush on for a year is going to be there. Needless to say, I'm excited.
The new medication has been helping some, I think. I don't feel BETTER per say, more like there's less bad days. I feel numb most of the time, but that's better than the heavy, dark feeling in my bones to go along with the numbness.
Things haven't all been good however. Today, I got an email from The Mountain, saying that the application is incomplete. They're giving me an extension, it's due by the 27th instead of the 20th. My mother, of course, forgot to inform me of said email until today.
She seems very reluctant about it.
It's just funny to me, considering The Mountain is sometimes all the keeps me going, knowing that I'm going to be there for five weeks instead of two, that I'll see old friends again, be myself, feel more at home than I do here all year.
~
A few minutes ago, she came home with four different kinds of acne treatment. I don't have BAD acne, just some spots. But I just have the skin for it, and I've come to accept that I'll probably have it for a while. But every few weeks she does this - comes home with some new treatment that does nothing but burn or make my face bright red. It bugs me that she cares for about my looks than I do - and my self-esteem is generally in the toilet. So I have troubled thoughts, and a self-esteem to match, but I still tale what peace I can make with myself.
Ah well.
In other news, we found out that my next-door neighbor, the chief of police, is now a convicted felon and is going to prison. Lovely.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Sixth time's the charm
I went back to the meds doctor and gotten a new prescription for Effexor.
this will be the sixth medication I've been on.
None so far have helped.
I just feel...very... stopped up.
Nothing much is getting through, all the emotional muck and slime is getting blocked somewhere, and even though I can't feel it now, I also can't feel anything good. And I know that it all has to come unstuck sometime.
I just feel uncomfortable, almost.
Since I've been off my meds, the depression has rallied full-force. It's like this dragging down feeling in my bones; almost warm, but barely enough to be noticeable. Just enough to make it so that it's so much easier just to curl up in a ball on the ground and not wake up.
I just... I hate it, so, so much.
But it's also a bit addictive. It's what I know, all I remember, so a part of me doesn't want to move.
Some days I think it's really a miracle that I haven't jumped off a bridge.
this will be the sixth medication I've been on.
None so far have helped.
I just feel...very... stopped up.
Nothing much is getting through, all the emotional muck and slime is getting blocked somewhere, and even though I can't feel it now, I also can't feel anything good. And I know that it all has to come unstuck sometime.
I just feel uncomfortable, almost.
Since I've been off my meds, the depression has rallied full-force. It's like this dragging down feeling in my bones; almost warm, but barely enough to be noticeable. Just enough to make it so that it's so much easier just to curl up in a ball on the ground and not wake up.
I just... I hate it, so, so much.
But it's also a bit addictive. It's what I know, all I remember, so a part of me doesn't want to move.
Some days I think it's really a miracle that I haven't jumped off a bridge.
Monday, February 16, 2015
Watch me interact with the human species
Today, I interacted with humans.
And I had fun.
just let that sink in.
So I went to this café, Foxy Loxy, with my almost-brother Ian as well as friends Madden, Izzy, Emmie, Griffin, Declan, and Sadie.
(Izzy is the one I have a crush on).
We just sat around talking for a while, before walking to an overly-hipster record store a few blocks away.
Then, we spied a crazy girl who was an ex of two of the people there. So we did the logical thing and literally sprinted away.
We wandered over to the local park and climbed trees and raced and frolicked and played on a playground and did squats. It was truly magical.
Some SCAD student came up and asked for pictures of us for her documentary of the park, and we art students with all of our multi-colored hair, were perfect.
Then for some reason we started making a load of egg-related puns, so we walked over to Emmie's house, which was nearby, for eggs.
I had never been to her house before; I had only met this person this day; She was basically a stranger.
I chose to omit that part from my parents.
The eggs were good.
Then, some people had left and the rest of the people were going over to a local burned-down abandoned strip club, so I walked over to another café, The Sentient Bean, and called my mum to pick me up.
Five hours around a bunch of people, and I wasn't totally burnt out and moody. I, Sophie the total introvert, had a good time hanging out with human beings.
Let the pigs start flying.
Also, they all convinced me to start back up my instagram, which I had abandoned a year and a half ago. (Fall_out_sophie, if you want to know).
So yeah. I must be hallucinating.
And I had fun.
just let that sink in.
So I went to this café, Foxy Loxy, with my almost-brother Ian as well as friends Madden, Izzy, Emmie, Griffin, Declan, and Sadie.
(Izzy is the one I have a crush on).
We just sat around talking for a while, before walking to an overly-hipster record store a few blocks away.
Then, we spied a crazy girl who was an ex of two of the people there. So we did the logical thing and literally sprinted away.
We wandered over to the local park and climbed trees and raced and frolicked and played on a playground and did squats. It was truly magical.
Some SCAD student came up and asked for pictures of us for her documentary of the park, and we art students with all of our multi-colored hair, were perfect.
Then for some reason we started making a load of egg-related puns, so we walked over to Emmie's house, which was nearby, for eggs.
I had never been to her house before; I had only met this person this day; She was basically a stranger.
I chose to omit that part from my parents.
The eggs were good.
Then, some people had left and the rest of the people were going over to a local burned-down abandoned strip club, so I walked over to another café, The Sentient Bean, and called my mum to pick me up.
Five hours around a bunch of people, and I wasn't totally burnt out and moody. I, Sophie the total introvert, had a good time hanging out with human beings.
Let the pigs start flying.
Also, they all convinced me to start back up my instagram, which I had abandoned a year and a half ago. (Fall_out_sophie, if you want to know).
So yeah. I must be hallucinating.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
C'mon brain way to be an underachiever
I had an interesting weekend.
Saturday, I spent 12 hours at school. And I liked it. Why is the universe turned upside down? Five words: Lord of the Rings marathon.
All three movies.
Pure heaven.
Ordered pizza, got chick fil a, got popcorn, got like seven cokes, etc. All the food.
So Saturday is beautiful, and then Sunday was ???
One minute I'm typing away on my computer, and then everything goes fuzzy. But I wasn't aware that it was fuzzy until I wasn't fuzzy. Hard to explain. And my parents are both flipping out around me and lying me in my bed and telling me not to move. I was still extremely fuzzy and out of it, so I was just like 'yeah okay sure' and fell asleep.
An hour later, I wake up with a killer headache and being really shaky and generally confused.
Apparently, I had another seizure.
God dammit.
I don't think I have epilepsy; rather, the meds I take for depression, which are not really meant for people under 18, can cause seizures in some people.
After the last seizure, my psychopharmacologist wanted to get me off them, or at least lower the dose, and I, being the stubborn self-destructive idiot that I am, said no. Noooooow I think I might. I have an appointment with a doctor of some kind, (honestly I've been to so many in the past few months who can remember), Wednesday to look at my MRI or something.
Wheeee and I have a bunch of homework due tomorrow and I can't focus on anything.
Saturday, I spent 12 hours at school. And I liked it. Why is the universe turned upside down? Five words: Lord of the Rings marathon.
All three movies.
Pure heaven.
Ordered pizza, got chick fil a, got popcorn, got like seven cokes, etc. All the food.
So Saturday is beautiful, and then Sunday was ???
One minute I'm typing away on my computer, and then everything goes fuzzy. But I wasn't aware that it was fuzzy until I wasn't fuzzy. Hard to explain. And my parents are both flipping out around me and lying me in my bed and telling me not to move. I was still extremely fuzzy and out of it, so I was just like 'yeah okay sure' and fell asleep.
An hour later, I wake up with a killer headache and being really shaky and generally confused.
Apparently, I had another seizure.
God dammit.
I don't think I have epilepsy; rather, the meds I take for depression, which are not really meant for people under 18, can cause seizures in some people.
After the last seizure, my psychopharmacologist wanted to get me off them, or at least lower the dose, and I, being the stubborn self-destructive idiot that I am, said no. Noooooow I think I might. I have an appointment with a doctor of some kind, (honestly I've been to so many in the past few months who can remember), Wednesday to look at my MRI or something.
Wheeee and I have a bunch of homework due tomorrow and I can't focus on anything.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Did fanfiction seriously make depression bitchslap me?
Today, I was in American Lit, reading a fanfiction and THESE FUCKING LINES kept flying out of my phone screen and punching me in the face.
It was these:
"And soon enough he's laughing at Phil's utter lack of rhythm. Phil tells him to shut up, which of course makes him lose his place in the song, and Dan just keeps chuckling. Because this is the truth of depression: it doesn't stop you laughing. It doesn't stop you smiling. It just stops you laughing whole-heartedly, truly feeling happy. Laughter is physical; depression is mental. The one is brief, the other becomes your constant. And it tugs at you, nags you: this laughter doesn't last, it tells you. Laughter never lasts."
(closest anything's ever come to describing how I feel).
"And the last thing: I'm not being fair to you. Everything you do for me, listening to these existential spiels, distracting me, waiting for me... I feel so selfish, making you do all that. And arrogant, like I believe that all my petty problems are worth hearing, and that I'm worth waiting for."
(How I feel about my friends, when I worry how long they can last before they give up on me)
"I should be crying, Dan thinks.
I want to cry.
I didn't.
I teared up a bit, not nothing would come out properly.
I went downstairs and made myself hot chocolate. (Hot milk with three spoons of nutilla stirred in).
I have work I need to be doing. Due tomorrow. Math. But I'm just sitting here.
Dammit.
It was these:
"And soon enough he's laughing at Phil's utter lack of rhythm. Phil tells him to shut up, which of course makes him lose his place in the song, and Dan just keeps chuckling. Because this is the truth of depression: it doesn't stop you laughing. It doesn't stop you smiling. It just stops you laughing whole-heartedly, truly feeling happy. Laughter is physical; depression is mental. The one is brief, the other becomes your constant. And it tugs at you, nags you: this laughter doesn't last, it tells you. Laughter never lasts."
(closest anything's ever come to describing how I feel).
"And the last thing: I'm not being fair to you. Everything you do for me, listening to these existential spiels, distracting me, waiting for me... I feel so selfish, making you do all that. And arrogant, like I believe that all my petty problems are worth hearing, and that I'm worth waiting for."
(How I feel about my friends, when I worry how long they can last before they give up on me)
"I should be crying, Dan thinks.
He doesn’t."
(A harsh reality)
“I get what you said, now, about acting yourself,” Phil says. “How do you do that?”
Dan shrugs. “Had to. Got used to doing it at uni. Just haven’t done it to you before. Not like that.” He frowns. “Was it really that weird? I mean, you’ve seen me doing videos.”
“Yeah, but that was for the camera,” says Phil. “Yesterday, it was for PJ, and he didn’t have a clue. And I just... I don’t know if I would’ve known, if I hadn’t...”
“I’m a fucking good actor,” Dan says, his voice flat. He sighs. “I think you’d’ve guessed. I hope you’d’ve guessed. We spend too much time together. And... I don’t feel it, you know? I can smile and laugh and all that shit, but I don’t feel the emotions that are supposed to go with it. So it’s sort of like pasting the appropriate expression on your face, like picking out faces from your list of available smiles.”
“All the time?” Phil asks quietly, and Dan knows what he’s thinking. He’s thinking of all the times that Dan’s been smiling around him over the past month or two, all the times Dan has laughed with him, at him, and wondering if it was all a lie.
“Not- not entirely,” he hedges.
“But mostly.”
“Yeah. I’m sorry.”
(This is what happens. What I've learned to do).
Something catches in Dan’s throat, and he realises that for the first time in months, in years, he is crying.
He’s not sad. Well, he is, but it’s not that. He’s sad, and he’s angry, and he’s awed, and he’s so in love. It’s just overwhelming, a sudden surge of emotion like a floodlight in a darkened room. He’s overflowing with it, on fire with it, completely suffused with it.
He cannot remember feeling like this before.
And he’s crying, he’s crying so hard. There are hot tears running down his face and probably dripping onto Phil’s shirt, and his breath keeps catching in his throat, like he’s struggling towards something, be that proper respiration or his own death by asphyxiation - it doesn’t much matter, because it’s release either way. He’s clinging onto Phil, his fingernails probably digging into Phil’s forearms, and Phil’s telling him shhh, it’s okay, it’s okay, but it’s not, and perhaps that’s the point: for months, he’s never gone above okay, he’s never felt anything more than okay - he’s felt worse, less, but never better or more - but now... Oh, this is so much more than okay. This is devastation and ecstasy, all wrapped into one. This is... this is being set free. This is...
It won’t last. But this is feeling alive.
(I don't even know how to say what I feel about this).
and then I'm in class, trying to hold it together, because I just felt my own depression bitchslap me in the face. I imagine it in slow motion, some anime protagonist hitting me upside the head and me falling back in slow motion.
I stopped working and just put my head down on my desk and listened to music
I didn't want to move. But I had to, and then I'm home and lying on my bed curled into a ball with my face mashed into the mattress and I don't know what to do. I want to cry.
I didn't.
I teared up a bit, not nothing would come out properly.
I went downstairs and made myself hot chocolate. (Hot milk with three spoons of nutilla stirred in).
I have work I need to be doing. Due tomorrow. Math. But I'm just sitting here.
Dammit.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Cuz who doesnt love crying in front of your parents
Well, today was that whole 'family therapy meeting' thing.
It was no better than expected.
I was a bit amazed at how much my dad understood, and how little my mom did.
It started with them saying how ever since I was tiny, I could lie perfectly, keep secrets. I still can. If there's something I don't want you to know, you wont ever know it. If you figure something out about me, it's because I let myself drop hints and let down my guard.
I've mastered the art of being absolutely invisible if I want to be.
Then it went around to them realizing that the whole 'me cutting myself on thanksgiving' incident WAS mainly their fault due to miscommunication.
(This is when I started crying)
Then about how they were always trying to adjust my reality, how they have already decided what I am going to do or say, as expected of me.
Then they started talking about how I never say 'I love you' - and it's true. If I ever say I love you, even jokingly, I mean it. You are a very special person, family to me. I just don't say it casually, or if I don't mean it just to be nice.
Then about my separation, lack of communication with my mom. She's just not a very likable person, but I didn't say that. I was dying to point out that if she kept acting like she had a business relationship with everybody, it was hard to get close to her. Anyways, I don't share much more with my dad. I'm just used to communicating with my friends about anything important.
Then we talked about how they thought that I was just being shy and quiet because of anxiety or stubborn rudeness. I explained that I was quiet because I live most of my life in my head, being 'introspective' or whatever the word is. Creating worlds and destroying them. Multiple layers of thought all going at once without being loud or confusing.
And how I just prefer to be alone.
It ended with my therapist 'strongly suggesting' (AKA I will eviscerate you if you ignore this) that we don't talk about anything to do with this at home. Thankfully, they agreed. I don't think I could handle any more.
It wasn't fun. I don't want to do it again, but therapist and mom both want me to have a one-on-one session with her. Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaats.... not gonna be fun.
~
In other news, I got the MRI. I had an EEG done a week ago, but this is the apparently more dramatic sounding procedure.
We get there, tech guy gives me earplugs and lies me down on the slidey thingy, and off we go into the hole in the middle. In shows or movies, they never seem to show how very tight an MRI is. There was maybe two inches between my nose and the top of the machine. If I were claustrophobic, I would have had a not too fun time. But they sedate people who are panicky. (hmmm...might be interesting).
I just drifted off. Meditated, just going into that half asleep, half awake thing. I mastered doing this at will in school. It was very loud, but once you got used to it, it wasn't bad.
And it came back... completely clean! What. a. surprise. Amazing that I am among the many people who just have one seizure in their life because of a random electrical surge in their brain.
And really, all I'm worried about is if I can get a copy of the scan. I wasn't to see m brain, because then it would be a brain looking at itself, which is awesomely trippy.
My badass grandma is coming in sometime today as well.
Yup.
It was no better than expected.
I was a bit amazed at how much my dad understood, and how little my mom did.
It started with them saying how ever since I was tiny, I could lie perfectly, keep secrets. I still can. If there's something I don't want you to know, you wont ever know it. If you figure something out about me, it's because I let myself drop hints and let down my guard.
I've mastered the art of being absolutely invisible if I want to be.
Then it went around to them realizing that the whole 'me cutting myself on thanksgiving' incident WAS mainly their fault due to miscommunication.
(This is when I started crying)
Then about how they were always trying to adjust my reality, how they have already decided what I am going to do or say, as expected of me.
Then they started talking about how I never say 'I love you' - and it's true. If I ever say I love you, even jokingly, I mean it. You are a very special person, family to me. I just don't say it casually, or if I don't mean it just to be nice.
Then about my separation, lack of communication with my mom. She's just not a very likable person, but I didn't say that. I was dying to point out that if she kept acting like she had a business relationship with everybody, it was hard to get close to her. Anyways, I don't share much more with my dad. I'm just used to communicating with my friends about anything important.
Then we talked about how they thought that I was just being shy and quiet because of anxiety or stubborn rudeness. I explained that I was quiet because I live most of my life in my head, being 'introspective' or whatever the word is. Creating worlds and destroying them. Multiple layers of thought all going at once without being loud or confusing.
And how I just prefer to be alone.
It ended with my therapist 'strongly suggesting' (AKA I will eviscerate you if you ignore this) that we don't talk about anything to do with this at home. Thankfully, they agreed. I don't think I could handle any more.
It wasn't fun. I don't want to do it again, but therapist and mom both want me to have a one-on-one session with her. Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaats.... not gonna be fun.
~
In other news, I got the MRI. I had an EEG done a week ago, but this is the apparently more dramatic sounding procedure.
We get there, tech guy gives me earplugs and lies me down on the slidey thingy, and off we go into the hole in the middle. In shows or movies, they never seem to show how very tight an MRI is. There was maybe two inches between my nose and the top of the machine. If I were claustrophobic, I would have had a not too fun time. But they sedate people who are panicky. (hmmm...might be interesting).
I just drifted off. Meditated, just going into that half asleep, half awake thing. I mastered doing this at will in school. It was very loud, but once you got used to it, it wasn't bad.
And it came back... completely clean! What. a. surprise. Amazing that I am among the many people who just have one seizure in their life because of a random electrical surge in their brain.
And really, all I'm worried about is if I can get a copy of the scan. I wasn't to see m brain, because then it would be a brain looking at itself, which is awesomely trippy.
My badass grandma is coming in sometime today as well.
Yup.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Does the hospital just want me that badly?
Okay so yesterday we were taking ornaments off of our tree, right, and then...
I'm on the floor.
Like I already knew I was laying there, but then I became aware that I knew that I was laying there. I literally had no idea what had happened, so I kept trying to get and my mum kept forcing me to lie down and then a fuckin ambulance shows up and theres a but of EMTs in our living room.
So apparently, I had a seizure. I remember nothing, but my parents said that I started jerking around, the fell, then did the whole 'twitchy, not breathing, eyes rolled up, face turning green from lack of oxygen' thing.
okay then. The weird thing is, I've never had a seizure before, it doesn't run in our family, and my meds don't usually cause them.
so I go to the ER, get an EKG and an X-ray. They don't know what's wrong, so now I'm scheduled for an MRI in a week.
And I just go home.
I feel kind of fuzzy, and i'm having trouble remembering some things, but apart from that, i'm normal.
My friend Bambi is visiting my sickbed to nurse me back to health tomorrow.
More likely she'll roll me off the bed so she can lie down. Love that child.
The only other thing that's happening is that the big 'family communication meeting/intervention/I don't know what to call it' is happening next sunday.
Wheeeee.
I'm on the floor.
Like I already knew I was laying there, but then I became aware that I knew that I was laying there. I literally had no idea what had happened, so I kept trying to get and my mum kept forcing me to lie down and then a fuckin ambulance shows up and theres a but of EMTs in our living room.
So apparently, I had a seizure. I remember nothing, but my parents said that I started jerking around, the fell, then did the whole 'twitchy, not breathing, eyes rolled up, face turning green from lack of oxygen' thing.
okay then. The weird thing is, I've never had a seizure before, it doesn't run in our family, and my meds don't usually cause them.
so I go to the ER, get an EKG and an X-ray. They don't know what's wrong, so now I'm scheduled for an MRI in a week.
And I just go home.
I feel kind of fuzzy, and i'm having trouble remembering some things, but apart from that, i'm normal.
My friend Bambi is visiting my sickbed to nurse me back to health tomorrow.
More likely she'll roll me off the bed so she can lie down. Love that child.
The only other thing that's happening is that the big 'family communication meeting/intervention/I don't know what to call it' is happening next sunday.
Wheeeee.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
The half of the family i can actually stand
Christmas went alright.
It was a quiet, much too polite thing.
All perfectly calculated gasps of surprise and enthusiastic thank-yous after every gift. My mother received a beautiful string of pearls from my father, and immediately asked if they could be returned because she already had pearls that my father hadn't known about.
I got some things I wanted, like a label maker and captain America bag and interesting socks. I got some thing I didn't really want, like ornate earrings and a bracelet that I wouldn't dare to put on, for fear I will loose one of the many expensive gemstones in it.
On the 26th, we flew over to Tulsa, OK for my aunt's 65th birthday.
Good news was that I got to see what's pretty much the only family I actually like, my cousins Julia and Patrick. I basically lived with Julia, and thus didn't see much of my parents. There was a definite upswing in mood.
Bad news was that I was around human being 24 hours a day for five days, even having to share a bed due to an overcrowded house.
I started to go a bit nuts.
We went home on the 30th.
~
Lately I've been noticing that I haven't been able to handle even the tiniest failure or rejection.
Playing Pictionary with a bunch of family, I was given 'New Zealand' to try and draw. I have no idea what New Zealand looks like, anything specific to it, its' flag, food, or anything notable about it.
I just sat there for the whole minute saying that I didn't know how to do it over and over again.
I started tearing up, getting close to crying, and had to pass it off as allergies that had suddenly been excited by pollen from the plant I was sitting next to.
A few days later, my cousin found a doctor who mug in my aunts house, and asked if I or my younger cousin-twice-removed (the only two doctor who fans) wanted it.
She suggested arm wresting for it.
I lost, and found out that she is way into martial arts, especially punching, and thus has crazy arm muscles.
I lost fair and square, but I had to quickly excuse myself to keep people from seeing me threaten to cry again.
At the airport, getting our bags from baggage claim, my dad saw that along with my name and phone number, I had written 'if you're still reading this, this doesn't belong to you' on the information tag on my suitcase. He ripped it off and threw it down, saying loudly something about it being stupid. I started to tear up, and fumed all the way to the car, stopping from crying by watching Dan and Phil on my phone.
I mean ever since I was little, I was in the 'gifted' program. That whole thing is bullshit, if you ask me, because when I got to middle school, I had to deal with being average.
Now any insignificant thing is enough to ruin a day.
~
We saw 'The Imitation Game.' I don't know why, but it bugged me. Something got under my skin.
I've been depressed all day, just an overbearing sense of sadness mixed with impending doom. But in the car on the way to the beach to see the new years' fireworks, I decided to start over this year.
The fireworks themselves were okay, but the real thing happened when we were walking back, and I just let everything... drain out of me. All the murky bad stuff, all the days' anxiety, just... left there.
2014 was a shit year all around. It just seemed like everything bad was happening steadily, not giving us a chance to breathe and make it right. I mean, ebola, Ferguson, Robin Williams, school shootings, other suicides... I think we can all agree that anything would be better than this year.
I decided to try this year.
My resolutions are:
- stay better hydrated
- take better care of my skin
- eat more
- Realize that happiness and beauty is a state of mind
- be happy and beautiful
- learn to say 'no' unapologetically
- exercise more
- Learn to make my strength internal instead of carefully balanced on other people
- take walks
- dress more to match my aesthetic
- write and take photos more
- talk more to people I like
- learn to reject toxic people around me
- learn Tolkien elvish
Yup, that's about it.
It was a quiet, much too polite thing.
All perfectly calculated gasps of surprise and enthusiastic thank-yous after every gift. My mother received a beautiful string of pearls from my father, and immediately asked if they could be returned because she already had pearls that my father hadn't known about.
I got some things I wanted, like a label maker and captain America bag and interesting socks. I got some thing I didn't really want, like ornate earrings and a bracelet that I wouldn't dare to put on, for fear I will loose one of the many expensive gemstones in it.
On the 26th, we flew over to Tulsa, OK for my aunt's 65th birthday.
Good news was that I got to see what's pretty much the only family I actually like, my cousins Julia and Patrick. I basically lived with Julia, and thus didn't see much of my parents. There was a definite upswing in mood.
Bad news was that I was around human being 24 hours a day for five days, even having to share a bed due to an overcrowded house.
I started to go a bit nuts.
We went home on the 30th.
~
Lately I've been noticing that I haven't been able to handle even the tiniest failure or rejection.
Playing Pictionary with a bunch of family, I was given 'New Zealand' to try and draw. I have no idea what New Zealand looks like, anything specific to it, its' flag, food, or anything notable about it.
I just sat there for the whole minute saying that I didn't know how to do it over and over again.
I started tearing up, getting close to crying, and had to pass it off as allergies that had suddenly been excited by pollen from the plant I was sitting next to.
A few days later, my cousin found a doctor who mug in my aunts house, and asked if I or my younger cousin-twice-removed (the only two doctor who fans) wanted it.
She suggested arm wresting for it.
I lost, and found out that she is way into martial arts, especially punching, and thus has crazy arm muscles.
I lost fair and square, but I had to quickly excuse myself to keep people from seeing me threaten to cry again.
At the airport, getting our bags from baggage claim, my dad saw that along with my name and phone number, I had written 'if you're still reading this, this doesn't belong to you' on the information tag on my suitcase. He ripped it off and threw it down, saying loudly something about it being stupid. I started to tear up, and fumed all the way to the car, stopping from crying by watching Dan and Phil on my phone.
I mean ever since I was little, I was in the 'gifted' program. That whole thing is bullshit, if you ask me, because when I got to middle school, I had to deal with being average.
Now any insignificant thing is enough to ruin a day.
~
We saw 'The Imitation Game.' I don't know why, but it bugged me. Something got under my skin.
I've been depressed all day, just an overbearing sense of sadness mixed with impending doom. But in the car on the way to the beach to see the new years' fireworks, I decided to start over this year.
The fireworks themselves were okay, but the real thing happened when we were walking back, and I just let everything... drain out of me. All the murky bad stuff, all the days' anxiety, just... left there.
2014 was a shit year all around. It just seemed like everything bad was happening steadily, not giving us a chance to breathe and make it right. I mean, ebola, Ferguson, Robin Williams, school shootings, other suicides... I think we can all agree that anything would be better than this year.
I decided to try this year.
My resolutions are:
- stay better hydrated
- take better care of my skin
- eat more
- Realize that happiness and beauty is a state of mind
- be happy and beautiful
- learn to say 'no' unapologetically
- exercise more
- Learn to make my strength internal instead of carefully balanced on other people
- take walks
- dress more to match my aesthetic
- write and take photos more
- talk more to people I like
- learn to reject toxic people around me
- learn Tolkien elvish
Yup, that's about it.
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