There are two things I'm worried about:
1 - Eating. when my depression gets bad, it gets hard to eat. Like, I'm hungry, my stomach wants food, but my mouth feels like it's closed too tight and my throat feels like it'll just push the food back up. I'm just hoping that it wont be as bad at camp.
2 - Leaving. Every year, when it's the last night at camp, it gets harder and harder to leave. Leave the friends I've made, leave our cabin, leave the whole mountainside. The first year, it was like tearing away a metaphorical bandaid. Hard, but not SO hard. It got harder though. Especially last year.
I remember the last night. It was one of the best and worst nights of my life.
We had our final family council, many many tears were shed. And Maya and I went out on the porch and she rested her head in my lap and we looked at the stars and the mountains and it was beautiful. Then our councilor, Juniper, came out and sat with us and she started talking about the stars and the beginning of the universe. And tears were coming out, not quite crying, just quiet, slow tears. And I hugged Maya for a long, long time, and neither of us would let go. It felt like i was getting torn away from my home, the one place that felt more like home than anywhere else.
And that was just after two weeks there.
I'm worried about what will happen this year, after FIVE weeks there. I'm worried i might jump off of a cliff. I'm worried because when i got back to my house last year, It took a solid month to feel right again. It was like the mountain was this phantom limb that i kept reaching for. A whole month of reaching for it, when i only had it for two weeks. Who will i be when i get back to my house this year?
Camp. God, it's so close. I have this feeling in my teeth, in my legs, like i want to jump up and run there rather than wait two more days.
And i know that when the time comes, there'll be that part of me that would rather die than leave again.
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