Christmas went alright.
It was a quiet, much too polite thing.
All perfectly calculated gasps of surprise and enthusiastic thank-yous after every gift. My mother received a beautiful string of pearls from my father, and immediately asked if they could be returned because she already had pearls that my father hadn't known about.
I got some things I wanted, like a label maker and captain America bag and interesting socks. I got some thing I didn't really want, like ornate earrings and a bracelet that I wouldn't dare to put on, for fear I will loose one of the many expensive gemstones in it.
On the 26th, we flew over to Tulsa, OK for my aunt's 65th birthday.
Good news was that I got to see what's pretty much the only family I actually like, my cousins Julia and Patrick. I basically lived with Julia, and thus didn't see much of my parents. There was a definite upswing in mood.
Bad news was that I was around human being 24 hours a day for five days, even having to share a bed due to an overcrowded house.
I started to go a bit nuts.
We went home on the 30th.
~
Lately I've been noticing that I haven't been able to handle even the tiniest failure or rejection.
Playing Pictionary with a bunch of family, I was given 'New Zealand' to try and draw. I have no idea what New Zealand looks like, anything specific to it, its' flag, food, or anything notable about it.
I just sat there for the whole minute saying that I didn't know how to do it over and over again.
I started tearing up, getting close to crying, and had to pass it off as allergies that had suddenly been excited by pollen from the plant I was sitting next to.
A few days later, my cousin found a doctor who mug in my aunts house, and asked if I or my younger cousin-twice-removed (the only two doctor who fans) wanted it.
She suggested arm wresting for it.
I lost, and found out that she is way into martial arts, especially punching, and thus has crazy arm muscles.
I lost fair and square, but I had to quickly excuse myself to keep people from seeing me threaten to cry again.
At the airport, getting our bags from baggage claim, my dad saw that along with my name and phone number, I had written 'if you're still reading this, this doesn't belong to you' on the information tag on my suitcase. He ripped it off and threw it down, saying loudly something about it being stupid. I started to tear up, and fumed all the way to the car, stopping from crying by watching Dan and Phil on my phone.
I mean ever since I was little, I was in the 'gifted' program. That whole thing is bullshit, if you ask me, because when I got to middle school, I had to deal with being average.
Now any insignificant thing is enough to ruin a day.
~
We saw 'The Imitation Game.' I don't know why, but it bugged me. Something got under my skin.
I've been depressed all day, just an overbearing sense of sadness mixed with impending doom. But in the car on the way to the beach to see the new years' fireworks, I decided to start over this year.
The fireworks themselves were okay, but the real thing happened when we were walking back, and I just let everything... drain out of me. All the murky bad stuff, all the days' anxiety, just... left there.
2014 was a shit year all around. It just seemed like everything bad was happening steadily, not giving us a chance to breathe and make it right. I mean, ebola, Ferguson, Robin Williams, school shootings, other suicides... I think we can all agree that anything would be better than this year.
I decided to try this year.
My resolutions are:
- stay better hydrated
- take better care of my skin
- eat more
- Realize that happiness and beauty is a state of mind
- be happy and beautiful
- learn to say 'no' unapologetically
- exercise more
- Learn to make my strength internal instead of carefully balanced on other people
- take walks
- dress more to match my aesthetic
- write and take photos more
- talk more to people I like
- learn to reject toxic people around me
- learn Tolkien elvish
Yup, that's about it.
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