Wheeeeeeee only four days until Christmas.
(its hard to convey sarcasm in text)
Not too much has happened.
finished exams, (gun, mouth, now),
went to see Mockingjay again (if you'll recall, I only got to see the first half because my parents forgot I was there and furiously made me come home),
Drove to some desolate town to meet a step-cousin so my mums to exchange two hundred year old furniture in the parking lot of a mcdonalds, (don't ask) and then had me drive the whole two-hour journey home.
furiously cleaned the house in preparation for a random friend of mums to visit.
About that, my parents had me cleaning all afternoon, which wasn't bad, except there was no time to eat lunch.
Recently, my new meds have made it so I don't really get hungry, resulting in me dropping several pounds that I didn't want to lose, but right then. I. was. starving.
I'd only had a little bowl of cereal at 10 that morning.
So 3:30 in the afternoon, come downstairs to have lunch, when mum stopped me from making my bowl of noodles.
I wasn't allowed to eat lunch because it would ruin my appetite for dinner later.
After I hadn't eaten all day.
because it would spoil my appetite for dinner that would be at 7:30.
mmmmmm.
we finally compromised on me having half a bagel with cream cheese. which I lathered up about half an inch thick. (and secretly made another half with nutella).
I'm still hungry.
aaaaaaaaand I just found out that dinner is salmon and asparagus, some of the foods I despise most, and wont eat much of.
I see midnight snacks in my future.
Another thing that happened today, was I had an appointment with my therapist.
And the thing that ive been dreading for months is going to happen.
having my parents in there with me to talk about our issues.
it needs to happen.
communication has only been getting worse.
better sooner than later.
but im terrified, because I already know myself, so I know that i'll break down and be unable to talk, I know that they will insist that they are always open for talk and are very supportive.
Which, to them, they think they are. convincing themselves that when something happens, its because I messed up with myself, because 'they are ALWAYS OpEN foR TALkinG SO I couLD HaVe juST DONe ThAt.'
I can already hear my mother saying what she ALWAYS says in these situations: 'we'll what do you think we should do about this?'
I dont KNOW, I have no way of putting it in words, like if I knew, don't you think I would have told you a long, l o n g time ago?
And see the thing is, my fuckin epic supportive therapist (FEST, for short) says that things like this happen a lot.
Parents THINK they're helping, that they're always there to be supportive so its not their fault when you don't come to them.
She's noticed firsthand the unconscious lack of communication between us; the way they control my life for me in such a subtle way that they hardly even notice what an effect it has; how I've experienced nothing but being treated like that my whole life, so I barely even notice that something's messed up until it's pointed out to me.
my FEST is going to be there to deflect back whatever they try to deflect onto me.
AND, as a rule, she's making it so they cant talk about it anywhere but in front of her. She told me that if they start trying to talk about it, I'm to call her immediately to remind them.
I'm not looking forward to it.
I'm scared of what will happen.
What i'm even more scared on is the possibility that everything could be different, that the whole relationship could change.
All my life, it's been like a close business relationship. I stopped letting them kiss me when I was two. I barely hug them even.
What would it be like to have them stop being the backseat driver in my life?
Please imagine a terrified/confused MnHEHnnnnh' noise.
that is me right now.
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