Just let me swan-dive out of a window

It is close.
It is upon us.
Finals have come.



...


Fuck.

I just... I don't want to do this. I hate this.


This year, the state is testing out a new kind of final, called the GMAS, which I guess will replace the EOCT. But since it is the first year, we are the guinea pigs, and it doesn't count towards our grade.
So, the teachers were given ANOTHER test, the EOC, to give to us, which DOES count towards our grade. 10%, in fact.
BUT HOLD ON TO YOUR FLAPJACKS THATS NOT ALL.
No, two tests were not enough; so for whatever FUCKING REASON, WE GET ANOTHER TEST TOO.
the SLO, which counts for another 10% of our grade.

Three finals, roughly 18 tests, in three weeks.

They really want to see how far they can push us before we all start swan-diving out of third stpry windows. An I tell ya, its not gonna take much more.

You know how I've been almost completely emotionally numb for like, a year? Well the stress of these tests were enough to punch through the barrier. Which means I am now either numb or extremely anxious at any given time.

It started with a weird feeling in my mouth - a weird, tingly feeling, dry. It escalated to a panic attack, but hasn't gone QUITE that far again.

Though it could have something to do with my meds, we just doubled them; they're at 150 mg now.

Still, it's nice to just... feel something again.

~

Also, on a happier note, I went out with some friends on Saturday.
We were testing makeup on a friend who never wears makeup, for her to be ready for some giant awards thing at school.
She hated every second of it of course, so to make her feel better, we put makeup on her boyfriend, (basically my brother), as well. He looked ever better than her, if I do say so myself.
Then, we went out to eat.
The perfect evening.

A bonus, was that while we were walking around town, I got to hold hands with my crush!
... Even if it was complicated.
See, the girl  that we put makeup on has a hard time expressing affection, so she wouldn't hold my brother's hand. So, I held HER hand, and my crush held my other hand, and another person held makeup girl's hand, and my brother held HER hand. So we channeled all the hand holding energy into him.
Still.

As I was leaving my almost-brother's house, a crazy storm started up, with hurricane-force winds. Branches were blowing down everywhere, you could barely see through the rain, and pretty much half the town lost power, including stoplights.

So that was fun.

Finally, my uncle is flying in to visit us for like three weeks on Thursday. He's mentally retarded, but is a real sweet heart, and loves trains. So I'm looking forward to it.