Blurry Halloweens + Breakdowns

Halloween was actually pretty fun. Bambi, the girl i have a crush on, and a few other friends and i all went trick-or-treating. I was Lapis Lazuli from Steven Universe, which i was quite happy with. (The blue body paint was a bit annoying tho)

After a few hours, we were actually dying of thirst and this super sweet lady gave us cups of water, so good karma to you, nice lady. It was fairly uneventful, until the golfcart ride back to Bambi's house. There wasnt enough seats, so i ended up having to sit in my crush's lap and hold her and another person's hand just to keep from falling off. (no complaints there).

Plenty of candy, though it's kind of lost on me. For the last few months, I've had this thing where i feel like i just cant... eat. Not in a weight loss way, but like it feels like my throat will push it back up and feel sick. I've lost like 10 pounds, which isnt good. Nothing feels appetizing anymore.

I got published in our city newspaper for a letter to the editor that I wrote. Just look up "Edna Jackson sign burning" and "Flaming Ignorance letter to the editor" if you're curious.

We got our progress reports today, and I have a 73 in math. Which is considered failing. All from ONE D on a test. When I got home, I had a panic attack and cried for a while. Like, usually I'd at least feel alright knowing that I can just bring it up later, but you need at least a 75 in all classes to go on field trips, and I'm going zip-lining with my philosophy club next friday.
So... I'm scared. It's all I have to look forward to.

It feels like a giant step back. I'm not here. I'm not awake. It's like six layers of cotton separating my mind from the world, and five more separating me from my emotions. Everything is secondary. It feels like my blood's replaced with cough syrup and time moves too quick before I can even turn my head to watch it go by. I want to tear my hair and scream and slap my face and cut my skin, anything to wake myself up. But it still feels like the moment between being awake and asleep, when you're laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, feeling frustrated at yourself for not falling asleep already but you're too tired and fuzzy to actually feel frustrated, and you're worried because if you feel frustrated, you'll be more awake and that's the opposite of what you want. You want one or the other, awake or asleep. But I'm stuck in both.

I'm stuck.