"His Schmeckle Got Cut Cuz Hey Christ Was a Jew!"

Well, Christmas has come and gone.

There was the for-some-reason-always-nasty-breakfast, the awkward-opening-presents-one-at-a-time-while-everyone-stares-at-you, and the putting-on-your-new-clothes-to-go-see-Star Wars. (which was great).

The haul was pretty good this year, lots of books and sarcastic tshirts and no expensive jewelry or makeup brushes from my mom. Largely due to the fact that I got frustrated and just sent them my amazon wishlist. Bah humbug.

~

I believe I've come to a realization.
You know how it's a given (though not necessarily true) fact that if you're not all that smart, you're probably happy, or at least content? And if you're smarter, it's harder to be happy because you know about all the hardships of the world and find it hard not to be pessimistic?
I think that there's a level beyond that. Where you're smart enough to understand the darkness in the world, and allow yourself to be happy in spite of it. To allow people who have something that makes them happy and inspires them to do good for others, even if you might know it's not true.
I dont know, I'm rambling.

God, I miss you, Alex. I miss everyone from the mountain. I mean, I might be able to see my friend Maison over New Years, but it's not now.
Honestly, I low-key hope to get high over when I'm with my friend, just to try what it's like. But I dont know. I'm an angsty teenager, who knows what I'll do?

Everything is too blurry. It's not here. I'm not here. Nothing feels real. Christmas was just another day.

I'm coming to admit that I do, at some level, need school. It is THE main cause of my depression, anxiety, and self-image issues, but I need the structure. Not even school. I hate school, the system, the waking up at 5:30, the standardized tests, etc... I just need something to wake up to, to force me to not stare at a blank wall for an hour and straighten my back.

Im a mess right now. I dont know. Im so tired, but i couldnt all asleep hardly at all for the last three nights. I dont understand. I dont know where i am, if I'm real. It's too blurry. Everything is foggy.