cuz who needs food and good family relationships amiright

Wheeeeeeee only four days until Christmas.

(its hard to convey sarcasm in text)




Not too much has happened.

finished exams, (gun, mouth, now),

went to see Mockingjay again (if you'll recall, I only got to see the first half because my parents forgot I was there and furiously made me come home),

Drove to some desolate town to meet a step-cousin so my mums to exchange two hundred year  old furniture in the parking lot of a mcdonalds, (don't ask) and then had me drive the whole two-hour journey home.

furiously cleaned the house in preparation for a random friend of mums to visit.

About that, my parents had me cleaning all afternoon, which wasn't bad, except there was no time to eat lunch.
Recently, my new meds have made it so I don't really get hungry, resulting in me dropping several pounds that I didn't want to lose, but right then. I. was. starving.
I'd only had a little bowl of cereal at 10 that morning.
So 3:30 in the afternoon, come downstairs to have lunch, when mum stopped me from making my bowl of noodles.
I wasn't allowed to eat lunch because it would ruin my appetite for dinner later.
After I hadn't eaten all day.
because it would spoil my appetite for dinner that would be at 7:30.
mmmmmm.
we finally compromised on me having half a bagel with cream cheese. which I lathered up about half an inch thick. (and secretly made another half with nutella).
I'm still hungry.
aaaaaaaaand I just found out that dinner is salmon and asparagus, some of the foods I despise most, and wont eat much of.
I see midnight snacks in my future.


Another thing that happened today, was I had an appointment with my therapist.
And the thing that ive been dreading for months is going to happen.

having my parents in there with me to talk about our issues.

it needs to happen.
communication has only been getting worse.
better sooner than later.

but im terrified, because I already know myself, so I know that i'll break down and be unable to talk, I know that they will insist that they are always open for talk and are very supportive.

Which, to them, they think they are. convincing themselves that when something happens, its because I messed up with myself, because 'they are ALWAYS OpEN foR TALkinG SO I couLD HaVe juST DONe ThAt.'

I can already hear my mother saying what she ALWAYS says in these situations: 'we'll what do you think we should do about this?'

I dont KNOW, I have no way of putting it in words, like if I knew, don't you think I would have told you a long, l o n g time ago?

And see the thing is, my fuckin epic supportive therapist (FEST, for short) says that things like this happen a lot.
Parents THINK they're helping, that they're always there to be supportive so its not their fault when you don't come to them.
She's noticed firsthand the unconscious lack of communication between us; the way they control my life for me in such a subtle way that they hardly even notice what an effect it has; how I've experienced nothing but being treated like that my whole life, so I barely even notice that something's messed up until it's pointed out to me.

my FEST is going to be there to deflect back whatever they try to deflect onto me.
AND, as a rule, she's making it so they cant talk about it anywhere but in front of her. She told me that if they start trying to talk about it, I'm to call her immediately to remind them.

I'm not looking forward to it.
I'm scared of what will happen.
What i'm even more scared on is the possibility that everything could be different, that the whole relationship could change.
All my life, it's been like a close business relationship. I stopped letting them kiss me when I was two. I barely hug them even.
What would it be like to have them stop being the backseat driver in my life?

Please imagine a terrified/confused MnHEHnnnnh' noise.
that is me right now.

exam fuckery + existential crisis

Ah yes, the season of exams.
Just smell the all nighters, the stress in the air, and the ever increasing urge to fall down a stairwell.

Also Christmas.

(same thing).

I'm extremely worried, as tomorrow is both my math AND chemistry final.

(I'll just be in a coma over here... maybe they'd excuse me from the tests?)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAND on TOP of all that, IM SICK.

Not in the okay-ish sick, but in the 'cough your lungs up every few minutes especially when you're trying to sleep/ take a test in a completely silent room/ talking to that girl you really like.

And yet, I go to school, several times being legitimately worried that I'll throw up.
Because exams.

And the fun thing is, realistically about 1/6 of the whole school is sick as well, but like me, are showing up for school to take exams, and thus making even MORE people sick.

Very convenient time for a bug to be going around.... satan? is that you?

~

In other news, I spent time I was supposed to be studying to write down an existential crisis I am currently having about my theory of time, and then managed to link it to a metaphor about pancakes.
I will post it at the bottom if you are curious.
That's how my brain works.
Have fun.
(can I just turn that in instead of my tests?)

Speaking of procrastinating, I also took ALL the books off of my four bookcases, and then organized them by color.
Why, you ask?
Because I didn't want to study of course.

Also, me being the idiot I am, I chose this particular time to start watching danisnotonfire and amazingphil on youtube, which of course, I am not addicted to.

Point is, in one of Dan's videos, he talks about how he walks around muttering to himself without realizing it.

And that was the moment that I realized I do the exact same thing.

I just zone out whenever I'm cleaning my room or organizing books or just wandering around, muttering to myself, barely aware of what i'm doing.

A+ work there, Sophie.



AND NOW, TIME:
(I'm warning you now, this goes all. over. the. place.)

Moment one: Time

            The way time moves is perhaps one of the greatest mysteries that we will likely never solve. We can unravel the secrets of the universe, but time will undoubtedly be the biggest question that is taken for granted.

            Just the fact that scientists today have developed a legitimate theory of there being an opposite universe where time moves backwards only complicates it more. Humans have never experienced anything but the travel of time that we have today, and cannot even grasp the full meaning, much less imagine what it would feel like, to have the progression of time be backwards. That universe would have started at what would be our final destruction of the universe, but where in our world it means that everything, even empty space and blackness, cease to exist, to this other world, it means the spawning of the beginnings of their universe, ending at what would have been our creation, the big bang. Does every person that ever exist to them slowly form from the earth into corpses, rise fully grown into the world, already married and with children, only to go backwards to childhood, ending with them being sucked into their mothers and slowly devolving into nothingness in her womb?

            Just thinking about the concept of something like this is enough to drive anyone mad, or at least sit there staring up at the sky for a few minutes, trying to picture what it must have been like. But because they have never experienced our world where life begins at infancy instead of ending, they are confused at what a backwards world we must have.

            In my personal opinion however, time has already happened. From the start of everything to the end, every second has been compressed into a tiny sliver. You only go to a place once, but every memory you have of this place is there all at the same time.

            For example, say you enter your bedroom: you have been in this room thousands of times before to your memory, but really, every single time you have been there and will ever be there is with you at the same time; from the first time you set foot there to the last time you leave, you have only existed there once, one moment in this room, compressed together to form your memory of it.

You can remember being in the room before, and so can vaguely imagine the thousands of you in the room at the same time, hidden from each other by only your memory.

 cannot, however, see how many more times you will be in the room. You could set foot there thousands more times, or perhaps this is the last time you will ever be in it without knowing that when you leave, you may die and never know that was the last part of yourself, the last tiny memory that ends every version of yourself in that room.

            But that has already happened. You are likely somewhere in the middle right now, surrounded unconsciously by every time you have ever been there, and will ever be there, down to the very end. Right now there is layer upon layer of yourself, sitting right where you are now, separated only by the fact that your mind cannot comprehend yourself.

            The only possible metaphor that comes to mind is that you are a pancake. There is currently a stack of pancakes, thousands high, all around you, stacked higher over where you regularly sit or sleep. This is your timeline. Now compress all of those pancakes down until they are only a tiny sliver, barely large enough to see. All the pancakes have been squished together, forming a single large, almost invisible pancake. But to each separate pancake, it is still its own individual pancake, sitting by itself. It cannot see the other pancakes around it, how they are all melded together into a single layer. In its tiny pancake brain, it believes that it is moving through time by itself, when in reality, what is happening is that the pancake’s conscience awareness of ‘now’ is hopping from pancake to pancake, slowly working its way up to the top of the huge layer of pancakes, until it will cease to exist in that one place where the layer has been pressed together. Every pancake is there all at once, but the pancake can only see the moment of ‘right now’, and so cannot see that it is existing at the same time with all the thousands of pancakes melded to it.

            Now take the pancake layer, and apply it to every place the pancake has been. Some places it has visited only once, and so will only have one form on consciousness there. Other places it has been to every day of its life, and so is tens of thousands of pancakes thick.

            This has been your daily existential pancake metaphor of the day.

I'm broken again

Heh.

I'll start at the beginning.


This morning, I got up bright and early to go to the turkey trot with my friend.

That was the plan.
Turkey trot, then ihop, then movie, then home.

The marathon was cold, and we left pretty early. Ihop was good, but they insisted on paying. We head back to their house to wait for the movie time.
At 12:30, the movie starts, Mockingjay pt. 1.

It was good, followed the book fairly well.

And then Bambi's mum comes into the theater to tell me that my dad called her, insisting that he pick me up RIGHT. NOW.

So I have to leave the movie early, pay back her mother for the ticket, and wait for dad.

Minutes later, he pull up, and I climb in.
what do I hear?

"Sophia, I am VERY disappointed in you. No - don't even talk. Very irresponsible. We waited for you at home, and you didn't come. Your mother is very upset. You weren't supposed to go to any movie, you should have known better. I don't want to look at you. Just sit there and stay quiet."

Just the way he said it got me crying, very confused, as the plan WAS to go to a movie.

So I stayed quiet all the way home.

We pull into the driveway, and we sit there.
He basically reiterates what he said earlier, and then calls me a disappointment, and to 'come inside and apologize to my mother when I stop crying'.

he leaves, and I just... sit there, totally stunned for a while.

You may have known, but I have been very stresses for a while now. School, homework, stress, family, cooking, and now this have pushed me to the breaking point.

I have a panic attack, not knowing what to do.
At this point, im frantic to cut myself - make the mental pain go away by making it physical. But I don't have anything to hurt myself with, so I use my own nails. My long, rather sharp nails.

I slowly scored six deep lines on my right arm. They start bleeding heavily. I add a bunch of deep, but not really bleeding, scratches to my left arm.

Then I start to calm down. A sort of fury washed over me, and I started thinking 'Don't hide this. Let them see what they did to me.'

So I march inside and tell my mother stiffly, "Sorry for the miscommunication."

She's like 'yeah ok sure but there will be consequences later' and all that.
Doesn't even notice my arms.
And now I really want her to, to see what they did.

And all my calm fury I had completely dissolved and I became a teary mess again.

So I basically shove them at her and say "I got a bit upset in the car."

And she goes all 'aww honey that's not good ok lets rub some medicine on that'

So I do, and she completely drops it. No questions asked, which was nice because im being completely serious when I say that I was teary eyed for the whole evening.

I hated myself - Eight months clean, broken for some stupid thing.

I help with dinner, we eat, tastes ok, I retreat upstairs, tell my friend Maya, who helps me a lot, and probably kept me from doing more stupid stuff.

Then mum calls up 'we need to have a family meeting about what happened earlier.'

Fuck.

Go I reluctantly go downstairs and stand there, already tearing up, AGAIN.
(heaven forbid I dry my face at all tonight).

So they start talking about how I was very irresponsible, and how we have a deep 'bond of trust' in the family, but I hadn't really broken it, since something like this hadn't happened for years, (but the fact that I didn't 'break their trust' for years didn't count for anything because I had to learn my lesson) and that they saw that it upset me very much, but they still wanted a punishment to happen.

Apparently, even though me, my friend, and my friends mom have all talked about the movie on many occasions, they both forgot and expected me home a few hours earlier. They called me (once, while I was in the movie, with my phone off) and I hadn't answered to that meant I had blown them off.

They both stare at me and say 'what do you think a consequence for this should be?'
And I stupidly say, (still crying of course), "well I guess that hurting myself again after eight months of stopping isn't enough. Because I think ill remember that lesson for a long time."

They say, "No that's not enough. You need a real punishment."

(wow okay)

I said, "I don't know, but it sounds like you already have one all figured out."
They look a bit pissed at that, but then mum says "Well since this whole thing was about miscommunication, I think you should be without your phone for a while, unable to communicate with your friends."

I bring up the fact that if I hadn't had my phone I few hours ago, I wouldn't have had my friend to stop me from doing some more stupid stuff.
"Like what?"
"Like nothing."
"WHAT?"
"LIKE CUTTING MYSELF A LOT MORE, THATS WHAT." (me losing my temper and still crying of course)
"Don't you think that all of that is an overreaction for this?"
"It is. Of course it is. But you have NO IDEA how much ive wanted to every day, and when I did a little bit, everything broke, and it feels really good, and now I want to a lot more!"
"Well then I doubt friends are going to help in that case. Call your therapist if you do that stuff again."

This goes on for a while, before they come around to their other point.
"Dad had to go all the way out to the movie theater to get you. It took almost forty minutes round trip. What do you think should happen as a result of that?"
again, I say that I don't know.

They tell me that I have to ride the bus to school in the mornings for a while.

Which wasn't too bad, all things considered, it just meant that now I had to wake up at 5:15 or earlier in order to catch the bus.

fun.

so I storm upstairs, get my phone, and throw it at them.

I can hear them right now, not even being quiet, talking about how this is 'natural consequence for a wrong doing.'

Wow.

I don't know, I am aware that I am waaaaaay overreacting in all this, but everything just came down and broke at once. all the progress that I'd made with myself collapsed.
And in a few days, I'll be without my computer too, so no contact with the outside world at all. I don't know what im going to do to keep my sanity here.
I'm not meeting with my therapist for two weeks.

My arms hurt, but I don't really care.

I don't care.

laptop nostaligia

So I have a really old, outdated, falling apart laptop. (which I am typing this on right now.)
seriously, its about five years old.

So my parents decided to get me a new laptop for Christmas. This is, our local staples was having a pre black Friday sale (???why???) on laptops, so they decided to get one... today.

I had maybe thirty minutes to decide which one I wanted.
I knew had had to be fairly inexpensive, but with this whole sale we could afford a good one. I needed a good memory, and a good battery life . (since im gonna be hauling it with me everywhere.)

we found a good one, an HP (like the one I have now).
On Saturday im gonna take this laptop in to get all my many, many files moved to the new computer.
which means im going to be without a computer for about three days.

I haven't been without my computer since camp this summer.

wow first world problems man....

thing is, ive gotten really attached to this laptop.
Ive probably banged it on every corner in our house.
Ive dropped it and gotten viruses on it and accidentally burnt my hand when I touched the bottom after accidentally letting way overheat.
Ive brought it to school every day last year and skipped every lunch for six months in favor of going to the library just to work on a novella.

its covered with nail polish from sixth grade, cat stickers from seventh grade, many many other stickers from last year... its covered in scratched and you cant even tell what some of the keys are because they've been worn off.
the 'page down' key falls off and has to be popped back in.
the magnetic thing that's supposed to keep it closed when you shut it has long since stopped working.
the screen is covered with whats probably every speck of dust in the world.
others still some oil paint on the corner from where I watched Netflix while finishing an art project at 2 am and nodded off with the brush in my hand.
theres a weird stain below the touch pad that I think might be chocolate.

Ah, memories.

I'm gonna miss you buddy.



In other news, Thanksgiving is tomorrow.
My uncle is in town.
He's mentally disabled, but functions very well.
he likes trains.
Actually, he drew me this huge paper covered in tiny train cars.

I'm planning on attending the local 'turkey trot marathon' tomorrow morning with Bambi.

We're planning to walk, and then go to ihop to gain back all the calories that we might have lost.

Mmmmmm.

yeah im gonna go finish watching Over the Garden Wall now.
kbye.

Well with Wilbutrin

I have been numb.
100%.

Its odds, no emotions at all. I don't care about anything. I don't care that I don't care. Which means that I don't care whether or not I study, which means that my grades are slipping.

I've had these  numb periods before, but this one has gone on for nearly two months.

Its like... not quite a fog really, but like my conscienceless is just in the back. Everything is on autopilot. I started slipping into these fogs willingly in about seventh grade. When everything was blurry, I didn't have to feel anything.
But then I started to not be able to get out, to wake up.

They would come at random times, for random lengths of time.

I'm trapped in my own mind.

I cant describe it - its just completely flat. Nothing there.

I hate it. If I could feel hate right now.

recently I was started on Wilburton (I think that's how you spell it), and am getting weaned off the celexa.

I only hope this will work, because the frustration is killing me.

I get up in the mornings, literally wanting to die, and I still have to go to school and out on a happy face and do work.

I cant.

I just cant.

sick for Halloween

Well, the second anniversary of the first time I cut has come and passed. I got a bit of a cold, and had to stay home for a day.
This week, we were able to vote on what we wanted to dress up as for each day, and the winners were:
Monday - Twin day
Tuesday - decade day
Wednesday - dress like the elderly
Thursday - Pajama day
Friday - Halloween costume day.

(I was out Thursday).

I went as Castiel for Halloween, and I got these really cool costume contacts that make you look like you have white cat eyes. It was a hassle to get them,  but sooooooo worth it.

I went trick or treating with Bambi and a bunch of the kids from her neighborhood, and raked in the candy.
I SHALL NEVER STOP. NEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!

~

Yesterday I got some of those strips that go across your nose to help you sleep. Ever since I got sick last April, my sinuses murder me at night. If I turn onto my side, or have y head down, I cant breathe. Its quite annoying.

They did help a bit, co that's good.

I've just been pretty low lately. I feel, if anything, just numb. Zero motivation.   I hate it, but at the same time, I don't care. I cant care.

We're thinking about switching my meds, because even though I feel a tiiiiiiiny bit better, nothing is changing, and im taking a really high dose.

I just don't want to do anything.
I want to lie here and sleep and read and eat.

Just go away.

Concussion. Yup.

Yeah so apparently I DO have a lovely concussion.

So fun.

I get to stay home from school, and a not supposed to do anything that requires concentration or stress, which is nice but at the same time it is balanced out by the fact that I have migraines a few times a day, cant concentrate on anything, and the world feels blurry.

By blurry, I mean it feels...flat. The same physically, but disconnected somehow, emotionally maybe. How I move feels different. How the air feels. It's a strange thing to happen.

I'm tired most of all. I just want to sleep.

ANOTHER brain injury

So recently I worked in a haunted house, (the butcher room, full of lovely organs and stuff) and it was actualy pretty goddamn spooky. Anyway, so I had two other people in my room and it was AWESOME. 

So at about 10 pm, I have this whole thing worked out where one of the people would wait until
 customers were all the way in the room, then pretend to stab me and I would scream and collapse.

And then this guy came up and started getting all in our space and stuff.  I scream, and he FLIPS OUT and races out of the room, basically running into me.
I, already on my down, am now thrown off course, and ended up bashing my head on the ground.

Very hard.

So I get up and realize that my glasses are broken and blood is starting to run into my eye.

Ow.

so I go outside and everyone's like 'what the fuck'.

i sit down and theyre freaking out and i have a head wound that's bleeding heavily and im super dizzy and they thought that i might have a concussion.

And apparently i might have a sliiiiiight concussion.

it hurts.

my glasses are broken.

fuck.

did i make a mistake?

I gave my therapist the URL to this blog. There are A LOT of things on here that are reeeaaally personal.
Things I literally cant and wont talk about out loud.

Did I make a mistake in giving her this, or is it gonna be worth all the worrying about what she's reading?

I'm worried that while I'm writing this, it'll just become me starting to censor myself as I think about people reading this, and I get worried.

oh well. too late now.

Supernatural started again, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS.

AUGH DEAN STILL CARES ABOUT SAM AND CAS MISSES DEAN OH THE PAIN.

ALSO our cable went out yesterday. I still get the channel that supernatural comes on, but not the one with American horror story or (more importantly) Doctor Who.

AND NOW MY PARENTS ARE TALKING ABOUT NOT HAVING CABLE AT ALL.

DO THEY REALIZE HOW ACTUALLY IMPORTANT SOME OF THESE THINGS ARE TO ME?

More detail, because i can finally think about it

i started meds about a month ago, and am now on 40 mg of celexia. I have noticed a bit of a change so far, just a little glimmer, like there are more good days. maybe one a week, rather than one a month, which is what I'd been living with.

things are still numb.
that's what I wanted to escape most, the numbness. it's the worst feeling, like not caring at all, but being hyper aware of how much you're messing up, yet still not caring to change anything.

Like, I'll lie down when I get home from school and think 'okay, I need to study for this test tomorrow.'
but I wont.
I go to sleep.
or I go online, or I draw or just sit there, and I'm constantly thinking 'I need to study, I should be studying, I'll do it in a minute' and I never do. I can feel the time slipping away, amd im in a state of constant anxiety, but I don't care.

It's the strangest feeling, not caring that you're caring too much.

so I'll fail, and I'll look at the grade and it'll pound its way inside my head and ill promise myself that I'll do better but I never do.

I never do.


~

I started therapy.
her name is Lynn, and she's nice.
She listens, which is more than I get pretty much everywhere else.
I just want to be able to talk without having to politely listen to the other person for half the time. I want to rant and rave and ramble and not feel that I'm being selfish for taking up someone's time.

~

last weekend, I spent the night at my friend, Bambi,'s house.
Bambi is as fucked up as I am.
But she's my best friend.
So we have this weird thing, where whenever I spend the night at her house, we always end up talking about deep things that are hurting us, raw emotions, real feelings, or stuff like that.

Finally, I started crying.
I don't think I've ever cried in front of her before.
but I did that night. I started crying and babbling about the sleepover.

Should I say Sleepover, with a capitalized letter? It's become it's own incident, burned into my mind. I don't know.

Its about the last post I made, the one I chose not to talk about. I felt dirty inside just thinking about it. I still do, but after what happened at Bambi's, I think I can type it out.
I'll start from the beginning.

My friends Emma and Bambi were having a sleepover at Emma's house, and they invited me. They're both close friends, so I of course agreed.

But when I showed up, I found that Emma had also invited her best friend and neighbor, Caroline.

Caroline was wild. She had hair dyed white and pink, she talked about sex all the time, and smoked vapor. She offered us some, but I refused. I almost didn't, it smelled like cotton candy. But I did say no.
She was SUCH a wild personality, it was quite uncomfortable being around her, what with me being an introvert and all.
Fast foreword to around 1am.

We were all slightly delirious with tiredness, so we didn't hesitate when Emma said 'look what I found in my parents room!'
and she pulled out some sex dice.
you know, the double dice where one will say do____ and the other says on the _____
(ex: kiss on the floor)

so of course, Caroline suggested using them for truth or dare and spin the bottle. We didn't do most of the things it said, like fucking or fingering, but we each got hickeys.
As you may know, up until this point, I was a kiss virgin.

But by now it was 2am and when the dice told me to make out with Caroline and she just came at me, I didn't say no. It was sloppy, as she had a ton of drool, but not bad.
Bambi got her first kiss with Caroline that night too.
I also ended up making out with Emma, but not Bambi. She's like my sister, and that would just be weird.

Soon, we put away the dice and Caroline suggested dares in the dark. So we turned out the lights and she'd grab our boob or butt or something. It was really awkward, as we couldn't see anything, so that ended quickly.

Soon enough however, she suggested moving it to the bed.

It was 4am and I was basically drunk with exhaustion. I couldn't have said no ever if I wanted to. I just layed there.

Me and Emma fit on the bed, and Bambi layed on a little couch thing a few feet away. Caroline would move between us, working each of us up.
At first it just kissing or boob grabbing, but soon it became more.

I'm feeling nauseous writing this.
I don't want to.
But if I keep it in I'll explode.
Okay.

So soon she was fingering us. Emma next to me was almost violent, she jerked so bad whenever Caroline touched her. But she didn't make any protest. On the contrary.
Bambi on the couch was perfectly silent. Caroline said that she was perfect because of it. She was just letting everything happen.

Me? I was someone in between the other two. I giggled, but let her do her thing.

It felt wonderful.
It felt scandalous.
It felt dirty.
I was dirty.
I wanted to stop.
I couldnt say anything.

Eventually however, I worked up the nerve to make an excuse. I insisted that since it was now 5am and I had a driving class the next day, I switched places with Bambi so I could try to sleep on the little couch.

Caroline protested, asking if I was scared, a wimp, a pussy.

I WAS scared.
I'd never been touched like that by anyone before. I didn't want it to happen like that.

So I lied there, listening to the noises happening next to me, unable to sleep.
Finally, it seemed that Emma had literally passed out, so Caroline asked Bambi is she wanted "To do more on the other room." she said yes.
On the way to the room next door, which I think was a guest room, Caroline stopped by me and asked if I wanted to join in.
I didn't.

I just trued to sleep.
I cried.
I went even more numb.
I slept.

Bambi has always been the timid one. She's always been scared to try anything new, but here she was, first to go to both first AND second base. I couldn't believe it.
I couldn't believe it.

I woke up the next morning to silence. Everyone opened their eyes. Emma seemed on the brink of tears. I felt like crying. Only Bambi and Caroline seemed okay.
We mutually agreed that this never happened, an that we would never talk about it again.

And we parted ways.

I fell into an even deeper depression, one of the lowest ever.

I haven't seen Caroline since, nor do I want to. But Bambi and Emma both go to school with me. I could hardly look at Bambi for a few days, skipping the lunches we usually shared. But soon I started to forget.
I'm not even sure if I'm friends with Emma anymore. We cant make eye contact. Maybe because I did more with her than with Bambi. I don't know.

I couldn't explain  WHY I felt so bad for so long afterwards. I soon realized that where I do like people romantically, I don't really ever feel any sexual attraction for them. I want a relationship, but not so much a physical one.
So I've been questioning whether or not I'm a grey-asexual. Someone who is attracted to people, but not all the way.

I'm so confused.

I don't know what to do.
I feel sick right now,
but a little better for finally getting it out there.

I later found out that Bambi cant feel anything down there. She's never been turned on, and apparently she literally doesn't feel anything. She was hoping Caroline could help, as she's an expert basically, but nothing happened. She was freaking out.

I don't feel clean.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Finally

Tomorrow I'm going in for a consult to get depression medication. I'm really hoping for at least a placebo effect, just because there are times I'm amazed I'm still alive.

I'm looking forward to it.

Also, I started a Harry Potter ask blog called iammagicapparently.
So yeah check it out and ask things.
I'm pretty happy with it.
Distractions are good.

what happens on the blog, STAYS on the blog

Actually, I'm not going to talk about that.

(hickeys. Lots of hickeys, Vapor, darkness, kissing, and....).



yeah so I finally got glasses that look totally badass and I'm redying my hair.

New Doctor Who episode came out, FANGIRLINGGGGGGG.



not much else has happened.

woah suicidal where did this come from

Yeah so I was really very severely depressed/suicidal for most of Thursday and Friday.

oopsie daisy.

It's been a while since I got THAT low.

But I don't know what happened!

huh funny coincidence that it happened in the first fucking week of school.

HUH.

My parents say that 'silly' stuff like medication is 'nonessential,' so I have my appointment with my therapist Sept. 4, and will get medication maybe two weeks after that.

Motherfucking fuck.


Because I am bored, here is my school schedule:

1A - Spanish (no)
2A - math (FUCK NO)
3A - Draw I (eh)
*lunch* (I walk around with my friend instead of eating)
4A - chemistry (teacher is British and likes setting things on fire so)

1B - Fibers (FUCK YES)
2B - U.S. history (boring)
*lunch* (I sit in the lunchroom and get ignored)(by pretty much everyone)
3B - American lit (teacher obsessed with cats and doesn't wake you up if you nod off)
4B - Graphic design (photoshop. Teacher goes too fast)

so yeah.



also, I bought a dress, which means I now own three.

more than I've own in, what, six years?



You know, it's funny how if you're not good at math, you're stupid, but id you're not good at art, it's okay you're just not artistic.

also, I hate how I was seriously considering jumping out the third story window, like seriously, and yet 'feeling depressed' is not a valid excuse to leave school early.

It's weird - like my brain literally feels dark. like I'll just stare at my work for half an hour because I cant convince my hand that I can actually move. I don't know how to explain it. I have that tense 'I want to cry' feeling all the time, and I know that if I talk about it, I'll start bawling. I have before. Either that, or I will emotionally disconnect myself. Both are bad.

I don't know. I just hope I don't do something stupid before I can get help.

Feeling alive for the first time all year

Camp.
Mountain Camp.

It's the only place that I feel REALLY safe, actually not judged all year. For two weeks, I am more home than I am at my own house.

I fell off of a waterfall, got a minor concussion. As I couldn't breath and thought I might die, the only thing running through my mind was 'I don't really care, but this'll mean that my last words were "Wow it's so slippery that's what she said"'

Some of my best friends, Kieran and Maya were there. God I love them.
I literally do not know how to function outside of that life.
I miss it so much.

But after that, my and my friend Bambi went to see Paramore and Fall Out Boy in Atlanta for Monumentour!!!!!
Some lady puked on my shoes, I almost passed out from standing for 5 hours straight, and I could hardly move.

It was one of the best moments in my life.

~

We went to a big family reunion in Texas for my Great-aunt's 95th birthday.

I truly hate my mother.

and, on the plane ride home, I was finally able to finish my novella!

so yeah.

~

Tomorrow is the fist day of school.

I literally considered suicide for a few minutes rather than go back.

That's another thing, I think I might still be a bit suicidal. Not so much in a 'I wanna die' way but more in a 'If something were to happen, I wouldn't care. I wouldn't say no.'

So yeah.

Chris Eccleston and Toes

so today my cousin, who is coincidentally one of three adults I actually respect in my life (notice how none are my parents) is a film person and is amazing awesome.

She texted me a picture of Chris Eccleston (the 9th doctor) saying that she's working on a TV thing with him.

She then got an autograph for me.

Fast forward most of a day and through a minor toe surgery, and she texts me again: "Hey if I call you, pick up, okay?"

soon after, she calls, I answer, and a strangely deep, british voice says "Hello? Is this Sophie?"

I talked

To Chris

Eccleston


IN PERSON



AND I CALLED HIM SASSY.



I mean right after, I did start crying with sheer happiness. I mean to be fair, this DID literally make my, I don't know, whole year?

Now I only have Misha Collins, Jared Pakaleki, Jensen Ackles, David Tennant, Matt Smith, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Martin Freeman's signature before I can die.


*cough* yeah so also I made a glitter deer painting I've named Leonard.

Happy Summer

yeah so its summer time, which is amaaaaazing.

I preformed my dances in the civic center; I messed up some, but I'm almost okay with that. Also, there is a guy from my homeroom who apparently dances there as well. I mean, he is a dance major at my school, but it was still surprising.
Now I was emotionally and physically freaking out, so I ended up hugging him a lot. I never really thought of him 'that way,' but he did make me feel better. And we've been talking a lot after that, on Skype mostly, and I have no idea what to do.

Pros:
- He's really sweet, like really really nice and respectful.
- He dances in the same company as me
- He's in a lot of the same fandoms as me
- We Skype all the time
- We actually get shipped at school
- We're in the same homeroom
- I kinda like him

Cons:
- He's short. Really short. An inch shorter than me (and im short)
- We are both really shy and awkward, so you must image how the conversations must go.
- We are in the same homeroom class for the next three years.
- I don't know if I REALLY really like him.
- I suck at relationships
- I mean SUCK
- I'm fucking freaked



Okay, with that out of the way, me and him went to the movies. (with my friends Bambi and Alexi but who's counting). We saw The Fault in Our Stars, I read the book, I was prepared to cry a little, so I felt safe in wearing waterproof eyeliner.
I wont be getting that brand again.
I feel really bad for my friend Bambi, as she was completely sobbing at the end.

So.

Uh, I got officially diagnosed with depression, social anxiety, an introverted nature, and a 'cynical outlook on like.'

AND NO ADD.

SUCK ON THAT MOM.


On another note, I recently finished page 30 of a novella that I've been working on, so I'm happy about that.

This summer I am going camping with my parents and Bambi, in like 3 days, at Cumberland island. They have wild horses and friendly deer so.

I'm going to be working at an art camp for kids as a councilor, and hopefully this year I wont have to hold closed a childs' bleeding head as we wait for the ambulance. Again.

I will be going to a Paramore concert with Bambi.
She's one of my best friends, in case you couldn't tell.

So yeah!

Easter

well most happy easter and may all your wishes come true or something.

I canNOT express to you enough how much I love easter break.

I took up jogging, just so I can have a sport that I can point to and be like 'hey yeah I can do that' when someone asks because NO ONE in my gym class is shy about telling me how much I suck at every sport we've tried. (volleyball, tennis, badminton, soccer, football, basketball, handball, Frisbee, and basically anything else that requires hand-eye coordination.)

MY MOM MADE ME DRIVE TODAY.

I got my drivers manual for my permit and I guess she'd assumed that I'd read it (I have zero time) so she made me drive all the way out to Tybee (a close-ish beach to my house) on the highway and everything and my life flashed before my eyes so much today.

there was lots of honking.

uh my ex boyfriend declared his undying love for me.

AND FINALLY I talked to my arch nemesis from 5th grade today on facebook.

so yeah fun wheee I have an essay to write that's my final for a class and its 6 pages and HOLYSHITITSALMOSTMIGHTNIGHTWHATTHEFUCKHAPPENED okay bye then

Oops

so my parents took me in for a 'depression screening' yesterday, which consisted of 475 mind numbing questions, plus four more shorter personality quizzes. Maybe two minutes of contact with an actual human being.
wheee.
Then, on the drive home, my mum casually asked "so have you ever self harmed?" and at this point I was so tired and out of it that I just said 'yeah' and that was that.
Now she's acting weird, asking uncomfortable questions, and gonna tell my dad.
no thanks.

Then, today, I found out that she thinks im ADD.

AGAIN.

Why again?
Because she go me tested before, and they told her that she was nuts and I have excellent concentration.

That means that all of my teachers have to fill out a form, deciding whether or not im crazy.

They will all think differently of me, and theres nothing I can do to stop that.

So, I stormed out, went on a really long bike ride, climbed a tree, cried really hard, biked back, acted normal for my parents, went upstairs, cried some more, and kinda flopped around pathetically.

I wish I had never told her.

Why in hell did I?
can I have one of those remotes that can rewind time please?

and now im failing too classes, and everything is piling up, and I have too much homework,
and my parents are on my back constantly, and I have too much to do, but all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

God dammit.

Happy Fuckin Easter.

So yeah

So yeah

today was my birthday

15 woop woop

uhhhhhhh

in other news, I may be getting another ear piercing Sunday

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand

I guess this blog is just going to become a... documentation?
 Of my battles with depression/Self-harm/Eating disorder?

mkay

bye

(oh, I haven't cut in 2 1/2 months!) (yay me!)

wheeeeeeeeeee okay it like 2 am and I got a shit ton of fandom merch for my birthday and im all happy and yeaaaah

A perfect angel. (Their blunt machine.)

My parents raised me to be the perfect child.
They taught me to not have an opinion, but always be the person in the middle, the one who never takes a side.
(People now call me indecisive, because I don't know how to decide for myself.)
They taught me to never scream or yell or even cry too loud as a little girl, and now that I want too, I can't.
(The first time I ever screamed was when I worked at a haunted house last year. It felt so good.)
They taught me that I didn't need friends to be happy, that if someone really wanted to be friends, they would come to me.
(I spent all of sixth grade alone because of that.)
They taught me to never be honest, even with the people I loved, because honesty could hurt someone in some way.
(Now lying is all I know.)
They taught me that grades were everything, came before everything, and told them exactly how smart I was.
(I now think I'm stupid after a single failed paper. They don't correct me.)
They taught me to not listen to stereotypes, the hateful words of others, but they never told me that they weren't true.
(They shrug and call me blond after a bad grade. They call me a pudgy and acne ridden teenager, 'like all teenagers.')
They taught me to be insecure with comments and little actions that they looked past. They never thought too hard about what they were seeing.
(They didn't question scars. They didn't question that I wasn't hungry. They would never assume such a thing of their perfect angel.)
They taught me that their actions were always okay, but mine were things to be scrutinized always and for everything.
(They forgot me at school event, and didn't pick me up for two hours. I was grounded for crying in the car on the way home.)
They taught me to be grey, to blend in with the background, to never speak too loud or too long, to not be remembered, and to not be heard.
(People ask me why I'm so quiet. They step on me accidentally because they forget I was there. They don't notice my absence or presence.)
I want to be heard. I want to be loud and have a choice and a voice and be remembered by the people I meet and be able to look someone in the eye on my birthday.
(They are still telling me that those ideas are false.)

They raised me to be the perfect little angel.
(Their blunt little machine.)

I want to be bright, colorful, confident.
(I don't know how.)

Paper Stars

so after I relapsed into cutting, stopped eating again, and started to slip on everything, I was kinda hopeless.
I just spent hours and hours on different websites.
Tumblr of course.
Check emotional baggage was a great help as well.
but then I found that little comic, the one we've all seen at one time or another, about the girl who was all alone, making her paper stars until she had enough for a wish.
I googled 'how to make paper stars' and I learned.
I have filled about three big glass mason jars already - all sitting out on top of my shelf.
I am feeling better.
happier.
Mmmmhmmmmmmmmm.

welp, that was quick.

My boyfriend broke up with me.


Well actually, when I wasn't at lunch one day, he stated telling people that he wanted to break up with me and asking people how he ought to do it. He was actually going to do it on Valentines day.


He asked everyone to not tell me, so of course they all ran and told me.


I took the initiative and broke up with him the day before valentines day.


Then he started messaging me all these things that were hilarious:


"I didnt know how to tell you so im so sorry you had to find out this way. Ive never broken up with someone before. And when cat told me I was your first boyfriend (he wasn't) it made me guilty and sad, frightend, and pained to think about breaking your heart. Im sorry. Just know I will always care for you."


*enter me here telling him how he wasn't my first boyfriend and I was planning on breaking up with him anyway, before asking him why he wanted to break up with me*


" I want a chicflick girl. Your not that. You said so yourself."


*enter me exclaiming how I warned him that I wasn't romantic from the first time he talked to me, and telling him that those cliché things don't happen in real life*


to which he didn't respond.


mmm.


and so, I burned the valentines day card I made for him and ate the chocolate cookies I had made for him.
moral of the story: being single = cookies.




also, I finished Dexter, (about 100 episodes in 3 weeks - woohoo!) and started watching The Walking Dead.
Wish me luck.

another dip

I had another dip into depression again.


my parents are away, tequila town I believe.  (its a Mexican restaurant. I was invited along, but the thought of eating at this moment kinda sickens me.)


I just sat here, and started crying.


My friends aren't answering, im alone, and im just crying.


I looked up and sobbed for a while.


I was legitimately worried that I might cut again, after being clean for 3 months.


So of course, I started watching Supernatural.
I do feel better at least.


I did tell my dad about my suspicions od depression, and he said 'Maybe.'


at least its not a 'no that's ridiculous.'


he said  we  might talk about it.


well ok then.


im just kinda having a hard time I suppose.


thanks.

boyfriend?????????????????????????????????

I got a BOYFRIEND.


(I GOT A BOYFRIEND.)


I. have. a. BOYFRIEND.


His name is *****. (yeah, im not putting his name on here.)


I talked to him about a month before, and kinda fell for him.


then he sat next to me at lunch, and we got talking again. then two days later, he asked me out. I thought about it for a weekend, then said yes.


 (Yes, so the way he asked my out was kinda weird. He tried to give me a real gold plaited ring from his dad's shop. Okay hun, slow down there a bit. You gonna pop the question at the end of the month?)


we have been dating for about two weeks now.


He's already asked me out for Valentine's day, which means for the first time EVER, I will actually have a Valentine's day where I am not sitting home alone, watching Netflix and eating Chinese food.


Damn.


I am very happy.


one eensy weensy little problem though.


When I'm around him, I am happy, but its an awkward happy, as in "You got me, now what?"


And then, there will be an awkward pause and neither of us will know what to say so we walk along in awful silence. This has happened almost daily, and I am terrified of it.


I've started making excuses to skip out early just so I don't have to risk it.


Literally - I started going to lunch late for the sole reason that I have lunch with him every day. And lunch is my nirvana, ME skipping on eating? Unheard of.


He doesn't have a phone, so on weekends, we are literally cut off from each other. This makes going on dates very difficult.


Also, everyone, (I mean EVERYONE) at my school is judging me now. "You're going out with him?!?! Why???!!!"


Well he seems nice to me!!!!


I am not accustomed to this.


okay, I have been out of the dating game for over a year. I don't remember this stuff! Is there a special class I can go to?
I mean, all I remember from my last relationship is that we texted 99.9% of the time, and saw each other like twice.


Yes, it ended quickly.


I don't want this relationship to be like that!


Noooope.


The other issue is that when I'm not physically in his presence, I cant really remember why im dating him. (But then I hang out with him and its like 'oh yeah, right.')


But we seem to have a 'friend' relationship.


we hug twice a day, and that's it.


Oh, we went to a wii tennis tournament after school one time, (Cuz school for some reason had a wii tennis tournament.)


but we lost almost immediately, and just spent the rest of the time playing 'just dance.'


I actually convinced him to dance.


(oh wait - someone just rang the doorbell. Pleasepleaseplease be the pizza dude... Nope, just someone delivering a file cabinet. Don't ask.)


Anyway, so I am 100% sure that I have 0% idea of what to do.


does ANYONE, ANYWHERE have any advice?


oh, the pizza's here. (Thank the heavens sweet lord Castiel above).


I didn't eat lunch, so I am starved.


mmm... cheese with spinach and onion.


thanks!

i'm getting help.

after yet another dip into depression, I have decided to get help.


unfortunately, my mother is a therapist, and tries to do everything wrong. She tried to treat my anxiety herself, making it worse until I had to figure out how to get over it myself, and had me on medication that literally wasn't doing anything.


I have no idea how to tell my parents because they like to overreact/ not listen to a word I say, and I really don't want to answer questions from them.


seriously though, how in hell do I tell them?

(assume that everyone is a fangirl, regardless of gender.)

Official transcription of the bi-monthly meeting of the Serious Herald of Inaugurated,  Exalted Leper Demigods, or S.H.I.E.L.D. for short.
Mainly dictated by the head fangirl, Overlord SuperWhoPotterHomeAnimeStuckBonesLocked Fangirl Supreme Alice Extraordinaire Comma Esquire. (Alice Holmes).

BEGIN TRANSMISSION

*Head fangirl approaches podium, placing fez on head* 

ORDER, ORDER.

all  right everyone, welcome to the bi-monthly fangirl meeting.

we have some new faces here today, hi night vale girls!

   - greetings. *Dead stare*

yeah ok so now for todays order of the day.

first up, Sherlock girls, how are you doing?

       - *rocking in corner crying* SHERLOCK LIVES SHES PREGNANT AND SHERLOCK SAID HE LOVED JOHN AND JOHNLOCK HUG AND SHERLOCKS THEIR BABY AND SHERLOCK LOVES DANCING AND HES THE CUTEST DRUNK EVER AND AUUUUUUUUUUGH

um we'll get back to that.

now, firefly girls, what's new?

     - nothing. (phone buzzes) wait wait wait! nope never mind.

a shame. hang in there. wait, what's this? *picks up note*

"Dear fangirls, some recent changes in my life have come upon me. due to the fact that I am now a mother, so basically that I got a life, I will no longer be head of the Harry Potter division of fangirls.
XOXO, Becky."

oh how unfortunate!

     - [Supernatural fangirl] what?! is that gonna happen to us too?!?!?! *starts throwing salt*

    - [Avengers fangirl] is this gonna happen to every fandom? we only have six or seven more movies to go!
  
    - [LOTR fangirl] that's plenty! we're running out of books!

(General mayhem ensue for about six minutes. I don't know, a Whovian crushed my clock.)

now now now girls, calm down!
quiet, QUIET!!!

(everyone stops)

look, its true Becky left us, and she's not the first one. that doesn't mean it will happen to us!!! we are FANGIRLS, and that's so much more than scrolling endlessly through Tumblr, looking for leaked photos of Misha Collins, or waiting twenty hours at comic-con to see your shows panel! its a way of life.
it defines us! it doesn't matter if you fandom has died out, *points to depressed firefly girls* or if no one likes your fandom but you. *points at the smallville fangirl*

    - [Star trek girl] yeah, Star Trek was just rebooted, who knows what's next?

-(General agreement)

    - [Homestuck fangirl] yeah, and just because its going slow doesn't mean its over. I mean look at those emotionally wrecked Sherlockians! they waited two years for the new Sherlock! and remember that time that Doctor Who stopped for like nine years?

-(Smattering of clapping)

Exactly! we should be excited about sequels, reboots, and new fandoms! To be a fangirl is to have hope!

-(rapturous applause)

Plus, Becky's fanfics were fucking terrible.

-(General agreement)

And finally, any luck, Bones girls?

   - [Leader Bones girl] well, Benedict Cumberbatch finally lifted that pesky restraining order, so we were able to break in. unfortunately, we didn't know about his hounds.

   -{all Sherlockians flinch at the word 'hound.'}

   -[heavily bandaged Bones girl] But worth it!

And with that, we bring another good meeting to a close. All of you have this breaks assignments, I expect them done. Before we go, let us say a prayer to our Sherlock girls, who still have another episode with an even worse cliffhanger to endure than Reichenbach. 

   -{All girls join hands}

Our Sherlock who art in Baker Street, hallowed be thy brain, third season come, reunion done, on screen as it is in canon. Give us this day, our favorite ships, and forgive us our feels, as we forgive Moffat and Thompson for breaking our hearts with Reichenbach. Lead us not into fandom wars, and deliver us from trolls. For thine are the cheekbones, and the deductions, and the best fandom forever and ever. The game is on!

Thank you everyone, and remember that all Whovians and Supernaturalists are required to attend next meeting, as we will be rehearsing the new Black Butler episodes in gallifreyen and Enochian. (In song).
Before you go, please leave your name and screen name in the guestbook, and don't forget to pick up some of our complementary stalker photos of Benedict Cumberbatch.
If you have something to bring up in a future meeting, you can contact me on google+, Tumblr, or twitter.
Also, remember to thank Offl99 on Tumblr, who was not able to make this meeting, for writing the Sherlock prayer. She will be with us next meeting to recite our Doctor Who prayer with us.
Farwell, and may the force be with you!

    - {Girls file out, still fresh from feels.}

END TRANSMISSION

why didn't I?

today,
I woke up,
and realized that I didn't actually care if I lived or died.
I took a razor,
and held it against my wrist,
and said to myself
"All it would take is a flick of the wrist, and I would die."
and im not quite sure why I didn't.
but I didn't.

(this made me cry)

Rose, you ran away from your life
For a chance to travel the world
But parting ain’t always sweet sorrow,
And your story will never be told.

Martha, you took an adventure,
You fought and you walked on your own.
But two hearts weren’t ready to love you,
So you ran from the oncoming storm.

Donna, he took you up high,
He showed you that dreams could come true.
But the stars were a little too much,
And the world left nothing for you.

Amelia stood by his gravestone,
Speaking nonsense words to herself.
Then she closed her eyes and she wished, and she died,
And now she’s a book on a shelf.

Clara, a million pieces,
All for the love of his name,
It’s a treacherous path that you’re walking;
Clever girl, it’s a dangerous game.

River, my curly-haired darling,
Walking the stars all alone.
You're making fish fingers and custard
But sweetie, he ain't coming home.

Now Doctor, you’re lonely, you’re tired,
Your features are losing their might.
The bow tie falls to the floor.
Raggedy man, goodnight.

Happy New year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPY NEEEEEEEEW YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2014 BITCHES!

I WENT TO THE BEACH, KISSED A GIRL, WATCHED FIREWORKS, SKYPED WITH MY FRIEND IN AUGUSTA FOR THE COUNT DOWN (WOOHOO) AND THEN WENT HOME AND WATCHED CRY AND PEWDIEPIE AND SMOSH AND MARKIPLIER UNTIL 4AM.

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

shout out to my bestest friend in the whole entire universe: My innapropriate red brick chica, I love you forever.

meh.

meeeeeeeEEEEEEH.

MAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH.

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

don't judge me.

shhhhhhhhh.


hmm, maybe I should get a youtube channel.

mmmmmm.

nah.
(I love you.)