More detail, because i can finally think about it

i started meds about a month ago, and am now on 40 mg of celexia. I have noticed a bit of a change so far, just a little glimmer, like there are more good days. maybe one a week, rather than one a month, which is what I'd been living with.

things are still numb.
that's what I wanted to escape most, the numbness. it's the worst feeling, like not caring at all, but being hyper aware of how much you're messing up, yet still not caring to change anything.

Like, I'll lie down when I get home from school and think 'okay, I need to study for this test tomorrow.'
but I wont.
I go to sleep.
or I go online, or I draw or just sit there, and I'm constantly thinking 'I need to study, I should be studying, I'll do it in a minute' and I never do. I can feel the time slipping away, amd im in a state of constant anxiety, but I don't care.

It's the strangest feeling, not caring that you're caring too much.

so I'll fail, and I'll look at the grade and it'll pound its way inside my head and ill promise myself that I'll do better but I never do.

I never do.


~

I started therapy.
her name is Lynn, and she's nice.
She listens, which is more than I get pretty much everywhere else.
I just want to be able to talk without having to politely listen to the other person for half the time. I want to rant and rave and ramble and not feel that I'm being selfish for taking up someone's time.

~

last weekend, I spent the night at my friend, Bambi,'s house.
Bambi is as fucked up as I am.
But she's my best friend.
So we have this weird thing, where whenever I spend the night at her house, we always end up talking about deep things that are hurting us, raw emotions, real feelings, or stuff like that.

Finally, I started crying.
I don't think I've ever cried in front of her before.
but I did that night. I started crying and babbling about the sleepover.

Should I say Sleepover, with a capitalized letter? It's become it's own incident, burned into my mind. I don't know.

Its about the last post I made, the one I chose not to talk about. I felt dirty inside just thinking about it. I still do, but after what happened at Bambi's, I think I can type it out.
I'll start from the beginning.

My friends Emma and Bambi were having a sleepover at Emma's house, and they invited me. They're both close friends, so I of course agreed.

But when I showed up, I found that Emma had also invited her best friend and neighbor, Caroline.

Caroline was wild. She had hair dyed white and pink, she talked about sex all the time, and smoked vapor. She offered us some, but I refused. I almost didn't, it smelled like cotton candy. But I did say no.
She was SUCH a wild personality, it was quite uncomfortable being around her, what with me being an introvert and all.
Fast foreword to around 1am.

We were all slightly delirious with tiredness, so we didn't hesitate when Emma said 'look what I found in my parents room!'
and she pulled out some sex dice.
you know, the double dice where one will say do____ and the other says on the _____
(ex: kiss on the floor)

so of course, Caroline suggested using them for truth or dare and spin the bottle. We didn't do most of the things it said, like fucking or fingering, but we each got hickeys.
As you may know, up until this point, I was a kiss virgin.

But by now it was 2am and when the dice told me to make out with Caroline and she just came at me, I didn't say no. It was sloppy, as she had a ton of drool, but not bad.
Bambi got her first kiss with Caroline that night too.
I also ended up making out with Emma, but not Bambi. She's like my sister, and that would just be weird.

Soon, we put away the dice and Caroline suggested dares in the dark. So we turned out the lights and she'd grab our boob or butt or something. It was really awkward, as we couldn't see anything, so that ended quickly.

Soon enough however, she suggested moving it to the bed.

It was 4am and I was basically drunk with exhaustion. I couldn't have said no ever if I wanted to. I just layed there.

Me and Emma fit on the bed, and Bambi layed on a little couch thing a few feet away. Caroline would move between us, working each of us up.
At first it just kissing or boob grabbing, but soon it became more.

I'm feeling nauseous writing this.
I don't want to.
But if I keep it in I'll explode.
Okay.

So soon she was fingering us. Emma next to me was almost violent, she jerked so bad whenever Caroline touched her. But she didn't make any protest. On the contrary.
Bambi on the couch was perfectly silent. Caroline said that she was perfect because of it. She was just letting everything happen.

Me? I was someone in between the other two. I giggled, but let her do her thing.

It felt wonderful.
It felt scandalous.
It felt dirty.
I was dirty.
I wanted to stop.
I couldnt say anything.

Eventually however, I worked up the nerve to make an excuse. I insisted that since it was now 5am and I had a driving class the next day, I switched places with Bambi so I could try to sleep on the little couch.

Caroline protested, asking if I was scared, a wimp, a pussy.

I WAS scared.
I'd never been touched like that by anyone before. I didn't want it to happen like that.

So I lied there, listening to the noises happening next to me, unable to sleep.
Finally, it seemed that Emma had literally passed out, so Caroline asked Bambi is she wanted "To do more on the other room." she said yes.
On the way to the room next door, which I think was a guest room, Caroline stopped by me and asked if I wanted to join in.
I didn't.

I just trued to sleep.
I cried.
I went even more numb.
I slept.

Bambi has always been the timid one. She's always been scared to try anything new, but here she was, first to go to both first AND second base. I couldn't believe it.
I couldn't believe it.

I woke up the next morning to silence. Everyone opened their eyes. Emma seemed on the brink of tears. I felt like crying. Only Bambi and Caroline seemed okay.
We mutually agreed that this never happened, an that we would never talk about it again.

And we parted ways.

I fell into an even deeper depression, one of the lowest ever.

I haven't seen Caroline since, nor do I want to. But Bambi and Emma both go to school with me. I could hardly look at Bambi for a few days, skipping the lunches we usually shared. But soon I started to forget.
I'm not even sure if I'm friends with Emma anymore. We cant make eye contact. Maybe because I did more with her than with Bambi. I don't know.

I couldn't explain  WHY I felt so bad for so long afterwards. I soon realized that where I do like people romantically, I don't really ever feel any sexual attraction for them. I want a relationship, but not so much a physical one.
So I've been questioning whether or not I'm a grey-asexual. Someone who is attracted to people, but not all the way.

I'm so confused.

I don't know what to do.
I feel sick right now,
but a little better for finally getting it out there.

I later found out that Bambi cant feel anything down there. She's never been turned on, and apparently she literally doesn't feel anything. She was hoping Caroline could help, as she's an expert basically, but nothing happened. She was freaking out.

I don't feel clean.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.