another dip

I had another dip into depression again.


my parents are away, tequila town I believe.  (its a Mexican restaurant. I was invited along, but the thought of eating at this moment kinda sickens me.)


I just sat here, and started crying.


My friends aren't answering, im alone, and im just crying.


I looked up and sobbed for a while.


I was legitimately worried that I might cut again, after being clean for 3 months.


So of course, I started watching Supernatural.
I do feel better at least.


I did tell my dad about my suspicions od depression, and he said 'Maybe.'


at least its not a 'no that's ridiculous.'


he said  we  might talk about it.


well ok then.


im just kinda having a hard time I suppose.


thanks.

boyfriend?????????????????????????????????

I got a BOYFRIEND.


(I GOT A BOYFRIEND.)


I. have. a. BOYFRIEND.


His name is *****. (yeah, im not putting his name on here.)


I talked to him about a month before, and kinda fell for him.


then he sat next to me at lunch, and we got talking again. then two days later, he asked me out. I thought about it for a weekend, then said yes.


 (Yes, so the way he asked my out was kinda weird. He tried to give me a real gold plaited ring from his dad's shop. Okay hun, slow down there a bit. You gonna pop the question at the end of the month?)


we have been dating for about two weeks now.


He's already asked me out for Valentine's day, which means for the first time EVER, I will actually have a Valentine's day where I am not sitting home alone, watching Netflix and eating Chinese food.


Damn.


I am very happy.


one eensy weensy little problem though.


When I'm around him, I am happy, but its an awkward happy, as in "You got me, now what?"


And then, there will be an awkward pause and neither of us will know what to say so we walk along in awful silence. This has happened almost daily, and I am terrified of it.


I've started making excuses to skip out early just so I don't have to risk it.


Literally - I started going to lunch late for the sole reason that I have lunch with him every day. And lunch is my nirvana, ME skipping on eating? Unheard of.


He doesn't have a phone, so on weekends, we are literally cut off from each other. This makes going on dates very difficult.


Also, everyone, (I mean EVERYONE) at my school is judging me now. "You're going out with him?!?! Why???!!!"


Well he seems nice to me!!!!


I am not accustomed to this.


okay, I have been out of the dating game for over a year. I don't remember this stuff! Is there a special class I can go to?
I mean, all I remember from my last relationship is that we texted 99.9% of the time, and saw each other like twice.


Yes, it ended quickly.


I don't want this relationship to be like that!


Noooope.


The other issue is that when I'm not physically in his presence, I cant really remember why im dating him. (But then I hang out with him and its like 'oh yeah, right.')


But we seem to have a 'friend' relationship.


we hug twice a day, and that's it.


Oh, we went to a wii tennis tournament after school one time, (Cuz school for some reason had a wii tennis tournament.)


but we lost almost immediately, and just spent the rest of the time playing 'just dance.'


I actually convinced him to dance.


(oh wait - someone just rang the doorbell. Pleasepleaseplease be the pizza dude... Nope, just someone delivering a file cabinet. Don't ask.)


Anyway, so I am 100% sure that I have 0% idea of what to do.


does ANYONE, ANYWHERE have any advice?


oh, the pizza's here. (Thank the heavens sweet lord Castiel above).


I didn't eat lunch, so I am starved.


mmm... cheese with spinach and onion.


thanks!

i'm getting help.

after yet another dip into depression, I have decided to get help.


unfortunately, my mother is a therapist, and tries to do everything wrong. She tried to treat my anxiety herself, making it worse until I had to figure out how to get over it myself, and had me on medication that literally wasn't doing anything.


I have no idea how to tell my parents because they like to overreact/ not listen to a word I say, and I really don't want to answer questions from them.


seriously though, how in hell do I tell them?

(assume that everyone is a fangirl, regardless of gender.)

Official transcription of the bi-monthly meeting of the Serious Herald of Inaugurated,  Exalted Leper Demigods, or S.H.I.E.L.D. for short.
Mainly dictated by the head fangirl, Overlord SuperWhoPotterHomeAnimeStuckBonesLocked Fangirl Supreme Alice Extraordinaire Comma Esquire. (Alice Holmes).

BEGIN TRANSMISSION

*Head fangirl approaches podium, placing fez on head* 

ORDER, ORDER.

all  right everyone, welcome to the bi-monthly fangirl meeting.

we have some new faces here today, hi night vale girls!

   - greetings. *Dead stare*

yeah ok so now for todays order of the day.

first up, Sherlock girls, how are you doing?

       - *rocking in corner crying* SHERLOCK LIVES SHES PREGNANT AND SHERLOCK SAID HE LOVED JOHN AND JOHNLOCK HUG AND SHERLOCKS THEIR BABY AND SHERLOCK LOVES DANCING AND HES THE CUTEST DRUNK EVER AND AUUUUUUUUUUGH

um we'll get back to that.

now, firefly girls, what's new?

     - nothing. (phone buzzes) wait wait wait! nope never mind.

a shame. hang in there. wait, what's this? *picks up note*

"Dear fangirls, some recent changes in my life have come upon me. due to the fact that I am now a mother, so basically that I got a life, I will no longer be head of the Harry Potter division of fangirls.
XOXO, Becky."

oh how unfortunate!

     - [Supernatural fangirl] what?! is that gonna happen to us too?!?!?! *starts throwing salt*

    - [Avengers fangirl] is this gonna happen to every fandom? we only have six or seven more movies to go!
  
    - [LOTR fangirl] that's plenty! we're running out of books!

(General mayhem ensue for about six minutes. I don't know, a Whovian crushed my clock.)

now now now girls, calm down!
quiet, QUIET!!!

(everyone stops)

look, its true Becky left us, and she's not the first one. that doesn't mean it will happen to us!!! we are FANGIRLS, and that's so much more than scrolling endlessly through Tumblr, looking for leaked photos of Misha Collins, or waiting twenty hours at comic-con to see your shows panel! its a way of life.
it defines us! it doesn't matter if you fandom has died out, *points to depressed firefly girls* or if no one likes your fandom but you. *points at the smallville fangirl*

    - [Star trek girl] yeah, Star Trek was just rebooted, who knows what's next?

-(General agreement)

    - [Homestuck fangirl] yeah, and just because its going slow doesn't mean its over. I mean look at those emotionally wrecked Sherlockians! they waited two years for the new Sherlock! and remember that time that Doctor Who stopped for like nine years?

-(Smattering of clapping)

Exactly! we should be excited about sequels, reboots, and new fandoms! To be a fangirl is to have hope!

-(rapturous applause)

Plus, Becky's fanfics were fucking terrible.

-(General agreement)

And finally, any luck, Bones girls?

   - [Leader Bones girl] well, Benedict Cumberbatch finally lifted that pesky restraining order, so we were able to break in. unfortunately, we didn't know about his hounds.

   -{all Sherlockians flinch at the word 'hound.'}

   -[heavily bandaged Bones girl] But worth it!

And with that, we bring another good meeting to a close. All of you have this breaks assignments, I expect them done. Before we go, let us say a prayer to our Sherlock girls, who still have another episode with an even worse cliffhanger to endure than Reichenbach. 

   -{All girls join hands}

Our Sherlock who art in Baker Street, hallowed be thy brain, third season come, reunion done, on screen as it is in canon. Give us this day, our favorite ships, and forgive us our feels, as we forgive Moffat and Thompson for breaking our hearts with Reichenbach. Lead us not into fandom wars, and deliver us from trolls. For thine are the cheekbones, and the deductions, and the best fandom forever and ever. The game is on!

Thank you everyone, and remember that all Whovians and Supernaturalists are required to attend next meeting, as we will be rehearsing the new Black Butler episodes in gallifreyen and Enochian. (In song).
Before you go, please leave your name and screen name in the guestbook, and don't forget to pick up some of our complementary stalker photos of Benedict Cumberbatch.
If you have something to bring up in a future meeting, you can contact me on google+, Tumblr, or twitter.
Also, remember to thank Offl99 on Tumblr, who was not able to make this meeting, for writing the Sherlock prayer. She will be with us next meeting to recite our Doctor Who prayer with us.
Farwell, and may the force be with you!

    - {Girls file out, still fresh from feels.}

END TRANSMISSION

why didn't I?

today,
I woke up,
and realized that I didn't actually care if I lived or died.
I took a razor,
and held it against my wrist,
and said to myself
"All it would take is a flick of the wrist, and I would die."
and im not quite sure why I didn't.
but I didn't.

(this made me cry)

Rose, you ran away from your life
For a chance to travel the world
But parting ain’t always sweet sorrow,
And your story will never be told.

Martha, you took an adventure,
You fought and you walked on your own.
But two hearts weren’t ready to love you,
So you ran from the oncoming storm.

Donna, he took you up high,
He showed you that dreams could come true.
But the stars were a little too much,
And the world left nothing for you.

Amelia stood by his gravestone,
Speaking nonsense words to herself.
Then she closed her eyes and she wished, and she died,
And now she’s a book on a shelf.

Clara, a million pieces,
All for the love of his name,
It’s a treacherous path that you’re walking;
Clever girl, it’s a dangerous game.

River, my curly-haired darling,
Walking the stars all alone.
You're making fish fingers and custard
But sweetie, he ain't coming home.

Now Doctor, you’re lonely, you’re tired,
Your features are losing their might.
The bow tie falls to the floor.
Raggedy man, goodnight.

Happy New year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPY NEEEEEEEEW YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2014 BITCHES!

I WENT TO THE BEACH, KISSED A GIRL, WATCHED FIREWORKS, SKYPED WITH MY FRIEND IN AUGUSTA FOR THE COUNT DOWN (WOOHOO) AND THEN WENT HOME AND WATCHED CRY AND PEWDIEPIE AND SMOSH AND MARKIPLIER UNTIL 4AM.

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

shout out to my bestest friend in the whole entire universe: My innapropriate red brick chica, I love you forever.

meh.

meeeeeeeEEEEEEH.

MAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH.

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

don't judge me.

shhhhhhhhh.


hmm, maybe I should get a youtube channel.

mmmmmm.

nah.
(I love you.)