There are two things I'm worried about:
1 - Eating. when my depression gets bad, it gets hard to eat. Like, I'm hungry, my stomach wants food, but my mouth feels like it's closed too tight and my throat feels like it'll just push the food back up. I'm just hoping that it wont be as bad at camp.
2 - Leaving. Every year, when it's the last night at camp, it gets harder and harder to leave. Leave the friends I've made, leave our cabin, leave the whole mountainside. The first year, it was like tearing away a metaphorical bandaid. Hard, but not SO hard. It got harder though. Especially last year.
I remember the last night. It was one of the best and worst nights of my life.
We had our final family council, many many tears were shed. And Maya and I went out on the porch and she rested her head in my lap and we looked at the stars and the mountains and it was beautiful. Then our councilor, Juniper, came out and sat with us and she started talking about the stars and the beginning of the universe. And tears were coming out, not quite crying, just quiet, slow tears. And I hugged Maya for a long, long time, and neither of us would let go. It felt like i was getting torn away from my home, the one place that felt more like home than anywhere else.
And that was just after two weeks there.
I'm worried about what will happen this year, after FIVE weeks there. I'm worried i might jump off of a cliff. I'm worried because when i got back to my house last year, It took a solid month to feel right again. It was like the mountain was this phantom limb that i kept reaching for. A whole month of reaching for it, when i only had it for two weeks. Who will i be when i get back to my house this year?
Camp. God, it's so close. I have this feeling in my teeth, in my legs, like i want to jump up and run there rather than wait two more days.
And i know that when the time comes, there'll be that part of me that would rather die than leave again.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Bahamanos
Yeah so it's family vacation time. I'm currently writing this on the last day of our trip to the Bahamas. It was mostly pretty chill, with some excitement mixed in.
Some back story: the whole cruise we were trying to go on was a scam. They changed the rules and prices like nine times. And we had to sit through two timeshare meetings, about five hours each.
The cruise itself was nice, i guess. Everything is expensive. Everything.
First of all, when we got there, we went to a butterfly/bird sanctuary, which was BADASS. I made the mistake of buying a cup of nectar for the birds. There were like eight on my arms, three hanging off of my shoulders, one on my head, and one hanging on by my braid. And these were heavy birds. They then decided to thank me by shitting on me when they were done.
Second, i should mention that the Bahamas are fucking BEAUTIFUL. Like in all those pictures, where the water is like fifteen shades of bright blue and you're like, 'nuh-uh, that has to be touched up.'
ITS REAL.
THE WATER IS ACTUALLY LIKE FIFTEEN SHADES OF BRIGHT BLUE.
WTF.
Third, we went snorkeling. Twice. The first time, we went to a fairly small reef a few miles out at sea. We saw a ton of cool coral and some pretty chill fish. It was more exciting just cuz it was so new. The second reef however, is where all the amazing fish and stuff was at. We saw some really cool fishies, but then i looked up and THERE WAS A FUCKING GIANT-ASS TURTLE IN FRONT OF ME.
LIKE THIS HUGE LOGGERHEAD TURTLE LIKE FOUR FEET ACROSS WITH A GIANT FISH SUCKERED ONTO THE SHELL JUST SWIMMING ALONG LIKE A MAJESTIC FUCKING SEA COW
So i followed it for a while and then this secOND FUCKING TURTLE SHOWED UP AND JUST ZOOMED PAST LIKE WTF so eventually i just let them go on their merry way cuz i have the stamina of a six year old.
Fourth, I went parasailing. Twice. It's really amazing, being so high in the air. It;s weird how calm it is. Since only two people could go at a time, i went once with my mum and once with my dad. The first time went fine. The SECOND time however, things went down. And by 'went down,' i mean i fucked up.
Basically we're supposed so run with the wind to let the parachute lift us up. But i, for some reason, JUMPED off the dock. Which caused me to basically spin around and end up upside down. Which also caused me to hit the edge of the dock.
With my elbow.
Which ended up about as well as you might expect.
I'm about five inches of skin lighter now.
So yeah.
Some back story: the whole cruise we were trying to go on was a scam. They changed the rules and prices like nine times. And we had to sit through two timeshare meetings, about five hours each.
The cruise itself was nice, i guess. Everything is expensive. Everything.
First of all, when we got there, we went to a butterfly/bird sanctuary, which was BADASS. I made the mistake of buying a cup of nectar for the birds. There were like eight on my arms, three hanging off of my shoulders, one on my head, and one hanging on by my braid. And these were heavy birds. They then decided to thank me by shitting on me when they were done.
Second, i should mention that the Bahamas are fucking BEAUTIFUL. Like in all those pictures, where the water is like fifteen shades of bright blue and you're like, 'nuh-uh, that has to be touched up.'
ITS REAL.
THE WATER IS ACTUALLY LIKE FIFTEEN SHADES OF BRIGHT BLUE.
WTF.
Third, we went snorkeling. Twice. The first time, we went to a fairly small reef a few miles out at sea. We saw a ton of cool coral and some pretty chill fish. It was more exciting just cuz it was so new. The second reef however, is where all the amazing fish and stuff was at. We saw some really cool fishies, but then i looked up and THERE WAS A FUCKING GIANT-ASS TURTLE IN FRONT OF ME.
LIKE THIS HUGE LOGGERHEAD TURTLE LIKE FOUR FEET ACROSS WITH A GIANT FISH SUCKERED ONTO THE SHELL JUST SWIMMING ALONG LIKE A MAJESTIC FUCKING SEA COW
So i followed it for a while and then this secOND FUCKING TURTLE SHOWED UP AND JUST ZOOMED PAST LIKE WTF so eventually i just let them go on their merry way cuz i have the stamina of a six year old.
Fourth, I went parasailing. Twice. It's really amazing, being so high in the air. It;s weird how calm it is. Since only two people could go at a time, i went once with my mum and once with my dad. The first time went fine. The SECOND time however, things went down. And by 'went down,' i mean i fucked up.
Basically we're supposed so run with the wind to let the parachute lift us up. But i, for some reason, JUMPED off the dock. Which caused me to basically spin around and end up upside down. Which also caused me to hit the edge of the dock.
With my elbow.
Which ended up about as well as you might expect.
I'm about five inches of skin lighter now.
So yeah.
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