I'm broken again

Heh.

I'll start at the beginning.


This morning, I got up bright and early to go to the turkey trot with my friend.

That was the plan.
Turkey trot, then ihop, then movie, then home.

The marathon was cold, and we left pretty early. Ihop was good, but they insisted on paying. We head back to their house to wait for the movie time.
At 12:30, the movie starts, Mockingjay pt. 1.

It was good, followed the book fairly well.

And then Bambi's mum comes into the theater to tell me that my dad called her, insisting that he pick me up RIGHT. NOW.

So I have to leave the movie early, pay back her mother for the ticket, and wait for dad.

Minutes later, he pull up, and I climb in.
what do I hear?

"Sophia, I am VERY disappointed in you. No - don't even talk. Very irresponsible. We waited for you at home, and you didn't come. Your mother is very upset. You weren't supposed to go to any movie, you should have known better. I don't want to look at you. Just sit there and stay quiet."

Just the way he said it got me crying, very confused, as the plan WAS to go to a movie.

So I stayed quiet all the way home.

We pull into the driveway, and we sit there.
He basically reiterates what he said earlier, and then calls me a disappointment, and to 'come inside and apologize to my mother when I stop crying'.

he leaves, and I just... sit there, totally stunned for a while.

You may have known, but I have been very stresses for a while now. School, homework, stress, family, cooking, and now this have pushed me to the breaking point.

I have a panic attack, not knowing what to do.
At this point, im frantic to cut myself - make the mental pain go away by making it physical. But I don't have anything to hurt myself with, so I use my own nails. My long, rather sharp nails.

I slowly scored six deep lines on my right arm. They start bleeding heavily. I add a bunch of deep, but not really bleeding, scratches to my left arm.

Then I start to calm down. A sort of fury washed over me, and I started thinking 'Don't hide this. Let them see what they did to me.'

So I march inside and tell my mother stiffly, "Sorry for the miscommunication."

She's like 'yeah ok sure but there will be consequences later' and all that.
Doesn't even notice my arms.
And now I really want her to, to see what they did.

And all my calm fury I had completely dissolved and I became a teary mess again.

So I basically shove them at her and say "I got a bit upset in the car."

And she goes all 'aww honey that's not good ok lets rub some medicine on that'

So I do, and she completely drops it. No questions asked, which was nice because im being completely serious when I say that I was teary eyed for the whole evening.

I hated myself - Eight months clean, broken for some stupid thing.

I help with dinner, we eat, tastes ok, I retreat upstairs, tell my friend Maya, who helps me a lot, and probably kept me from doing more stupid stuff.

Then mum calls up 'we need to have a family meeting about what happened earlier.'

Fuck.

Go I reluctantly go downstairs and stand there, already tearing up, AGAIN.
(heaven forbid I dry my face at all tonight).

So they start talking about how I was very irresponsible, and how we have a deep 'bond of trust' in the family, but I hadn't really broken it, since something like this hadn't happened for years, (but the fact that I didn't 'break their trust' for years didn't count for anything because I had to learn my lesson) and that they saw that it upset me very much, but they still wanted a punishment to happen.

Apparently, even though me, my friend, and my friends mom have all talked about the movie on many occasions, they both forgot and expected me home a few hours earlier. They called me (once, while I was in the movie, with my phone off) and I hadn't answered to that meant I had blown them off.

They both stare at me and say 'what do you think a consequence for this should be?'
And I stupidly say, (still crying of course), "well I guess that hurting myself again after eight months of stopping isn't enough. Because I think ill remember that lesson for a long time."

They say, "No that's not enough. You need a real punishment."

(wow okay)

I said, "I don't know, but it sounds like you already have one all figured out."
They look a bit pissed at that, but then mum says "Well since this whole thing was about miscommunication, I think you should be without your phone for a while, unable to communicate with your friends."

I bring up the fact that if I hadn't had my phone I few hours ago, I wouldn't have had my friend to stop me from doing some more stupid stuff.
"Like what?"
"Like nothing."
"WHAT?"
"LIKE CUTTING MYSELF A LOT MORE, THATS WHAT." (me losing my temper and still crying of course)
"Don't you think that all of that is an overreaction for this?"
"It is. Of course it is. But you have NO IDEA how much ive wanted to every day, and when I did a little bit, everything broke, and it feels really good, and now I want to a lot more!"
"Well then I doubt friends are going to help in that case. Call your therapist if you do that stuff again."

This goes on for a while, before they come around to their other point.
"Dad had to go all the way out to the movie theater to get you. It took almost forty minutes round trip. What do you think should happen as a result of that?"
again, I say that I don't know.

They tell me that I have to ride the bus to school in the mornings for a while.

Which wasn't too bad, all things considered, it just meant that now I had to wake up at 5:15 or earlier in order to catch the bus.

fun.

so I storm upstairs, get my phone, and throw it at them.

I can hear them right now, not even being quiet, talking about how this is 'natural consequence for a wrong doing.'

Wow.

I don't know, I am aware that I am waaaaaay overreacting in all this, but everything just came down and broke at once. all the progress that I'd made with myself collapsed.
And in a few days, I'll be without my computer too, so no contact with the outside world at all. I don't know what im going to do to keep my sanity here.
I'm not meeting with my therapist for two weeks.

My arms hurt, but I don't really care.

I don't care.

laptop nostaligia

So I have a really old, outdated, falling apart laptop. (which I am typing this on right now.)
seriously, its about five years old.

So my parents decided to get me a new laptop for Christmas. This is, our local staples was having a pre black Friday sale (???why???) on laptops, so they decided to get one... today.

I had maybe thirty minutes to decide which one I wanted.
I knew had had to be fairly inexpensive, but with this whole sale we could afford a good one. I needed a good memory, and a good battery life . (since im gonna be hauling it with me everywhere.)

we found a good one, an HP (like the one I have now).
On Saturday im gonna take this laptop in to get all my many, many files moved to the new computer.
which means im going to be without a computer for about three days.

I haven't been without my computer since camp this summer.

wow first world problems man....

thing is, ive gotten really attached to this laptop.
Ive probably banged it on every corner in our house.
Ive dropped it and gotten viruses on it and accidentally burnt my hand when I touched the bottom after accidentally letting way overheat.
Ive brought it to school every day last year and skipped every lunch for six months in favor of going to the library just to work on a novella.

its covered with nail polish from sixth grade, cat stickers from seventh grade, many many other stickers from last year... its covered in scratched and you cant even tell what some of the keys are because they've been worn off.
the 'page down' key falls off and has to be popped back in.
the magnetic thing that's supposed to keep it closed when you shut it has long since stopped working.
the screen is covered with whats probably every speck of dust in the world.
others still some oil paint on the corner from where I watched Netflix while finishing an art project at 2 am and nodded off with the brush in my hand.
theres a weird stain below the touch pad that I think might be chocolate.

Ah, memories.

I'm gonna miss you buddy.



In other news, Thanksgiving is tomorrow.
My uncle is in town.
He's mentally disabled, but functions very well.
he likes trains.
Actually, he drew me this huge paper covered in tiny train cars.

I'm planning on attending the local 'turkey trot marathon' tomorrow morning with Bambi.

We're planning to walk, and then go to ihop to gain back all the calories that we might have lost.

Mmmmmm.

yeah im gonna go finish watching Over the Garden Wall now.
kbye.

Well with Wilbutrin

I have been numb.
100%.

Its odds, no emotions at all. I don't care about anything. I don't care that I don't care. Which means that I don't care whether or not I study, which means that my grades are slipping.

I've had these  numb periods before, but this one has gone on for nearly two months.

Its like... not quite a fog really, but like my conscienceless is just in the back. Everything is on autopilot. I started slipping into these fogs willingly in about seventh grade. When everything was blurry, I didn't have to feel anything.
But then I started to not be able to get out, to wake up.

They would come at random times, for random lengths of time.

I'm trapped in my own mind.

I cant describe it - its just completely flat. Nothing there.

I hate it. If I could feel hate right now.

recently I was started on Wilburton (I think that's how you spell it), and am getting weaned off the celexa.

I only hope this will work, because the frustration is killing me.

I get up in the mornings, literally wanting to die, and I still have to go to school and out on a happy face and do work.

I cant.

I just cant.

sick for Halloween

Well, the second anniversary of the first time I cut has come and passed. I got a bit of a cold, and had to stay home for a day.
This week, we were able to vote on what we wanted to dress up as for each day, and the winners were:
Monday - Twin day
Tuesday - decade day
Wednesday - dress like the elderly
Thursday - Pajama day
Friday - Halloween costume day.

(I was out Thursday).

I went as Castiel for Halloween, and I got these really cool costume contacts that make you look like you have white cat eyes. It was a hassle to get them,  but sooooooo worth it.

I went trick or treating with Bambi and a bunch of the kids from her neighborhood, and raked in the candy.
I SHALL NEVER STOP. NEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!

~

Yesterday I got some of those strips that go across your nose to help you sleep. Ever since I got sick last April, my sinuses murder me at night. If I turn onto my side, or have y head down, I cant breathe. Its quite annoying.

They did help a bit, co that's good.

I've just been pretty low lately. I feel, if anything, just numb. Zero motivation.   I hate it, but at the same time, I don't care. I cant care.

We're thinking about switching my meds, because even though I feel a tiiiiiiiny bit better, nothing is changing, and im taking a really high dose.

I just don't want to do anything.
I want to lie here and sleep and read and eat.

Just go away.