what happens on the blog, STAYS on the blog

Actually, I'm not going to talk about that.

(hickeys. Lots of hickeys, Vapor, darkness, kissing, and....).



yeah so I finally got glasses that look totally badass and I'm redying my hair.

New Doctor Who episode came out, FANGIRLINGGGGGGG.



not much else has happened.

woah suicidal where did this come from

Yeah so I was really very severely depressed/suicidal for most of Thursday and Friday.

oopsie daisy.

It's been a while since I got THAT low.

But I don't know what happened!

huh funny coincidence that it happened in the first fucking week of school.

HUH.

My parents say that 'silly' stuff like medication is 'nonessential,' so I have my appointment with my therapist Sept. 4, and will get medication maybe two weeks after that.

Motherfucking fuck.


Because I am bored, here is my school schedule:

1A - Spanish (no)
2A - math (FUCK NO)
3A - Draw I (eh)
*lunch* (I walk around with my friend instead of eating)
4A - chemistry (teacher is British and likes setting things on fire so)

1B - Fibers (FUCK YES)
2B - U.S. history (boring)
*lunch* (I sit in the lunchroom and get ignored)(by pretty much everyone)
3B - American lit (teacher obsessed with cats and doesn't wake you up if you nod off)
4B - Graphic design (photoshop. Teacher goes too fast)

so yeah.



also, I bought a dress, which means I now own three.

more than I've own in, what, six years?



You know, it's funny how if you're not good at math, you're stupid, but id you're not good at art, it's okay you're just not artistic.

also, I hate how I was seriously considering jumping out the third story window, like seriously, and yet 'feeling depressed' is not a valid excuse to leave school early.

It's weird - like my brain literally feels dark. like I'll just stare at my work for half an hour because I cant convince my hand that I can actually move. I don't know how to explain it. I have that tense 'I want to cry' feeling all the time, and I know that if I talk about it, I'll start bawling. I have before. Either that, or I will emotionally disconnect myself. Both are bad.

I don't know. I just hope I don't do something stupid before I can get help.

Feeling alive for the first time all year

Camp.
Mountain Camp.

It's the only place that I feel REALLY safe, actually not judged all year. For two weeks, I am more home than I am at my own house.

I fell off of a waterfall, got a minor concussion. As I couldn't breath and thought I might die, the only thing running through my mind was 'I don't really care, but this'll mean that my last words were "Wow it's so slippery that's what she said"'

Some of my best friends, Kieran and Maya were there. God I love them.
I literally do not know how to function outside of that life.
I miss it so much.

But after that, my and my friend Bambi went to see Paramore and Fall Out Boy in Atlanta for Monumentour!!!!!
Some lady puked on my shoes, I almost passed out from standing for 5 hours straight, and I could hardly move.

It was one of the best moments in my life.

~

We went to a big family reunion in Texas for my Great-aunt's 95th birthday.

I truly hate my mother.

and, on the plane ride home, I was finally able to finish my novella!

so yeah.

~

Tomorrow is the fist day of school.

I literally considered suicide for a few minutes rather than go back.

That's another thing, I think I might still be a bit suicidal. Not so much in a 'I wanna die' way but more in a 'If something were to happen, I wouldn't care. I wouldn't say no.'

So yeah.