crap happens.

so... a lot of stuff has happened.
not Johnlock related, sorry to say.

first, I lost it, and cut again.

five months clean, then this!

I thought that just like other addiction, the urge to self harm would slowly fade.

but it didn't. everyday was a struggle not to grab a razor to make the pain go away. and one day, my parents just got too bad, too strong... so I snapped.

I hate myself for it.

so I stopped eating for a while, punishment I suppose.

after a week of under 300 calories a day... I said "you know what? fuck this shit. the best punishment I can give to those people is allowing myself to be happy, even after all they've don't to me."

so I started this thing, I went to Michaels (the store) and got this huge pack of hundreds of different beads.
I dumped it all out on the floor, and spend about four hours sorting everything.
it was really Zen.
then I started a bracelet, everyday I don't cut, I get another color of the rainbow.
it sounds stupid I suppose, but Its actually working for me.

and I am scared.

I am scared, because if I thought I would be okay after five months, when will this end?
when will the urge go away?

when can I be rid of this?

im sorry to dump all of this emotional baggage on you... love you all...
<3

p.s.
I found this poem that really connects to me. I love it:

"I said to the sun
'tell me about the big bang.'
and the sun said 'it hurts to become.'
and I carry this hurt
on the tip of my tongue."
- Andrea Gibson