Anniversery

welp.

This is the anniversary of the first time I cut.

10:00 tonite, it will have been a year.

funny.
doesn't feel like a year.

sad thing is, the first time, it was over a boy.

we were at a party... him and her were slow dancing... I was watching them, it was tearing me apart inside... god, I loved him so much.... and he had his face pressed into her hair, and she was resting her head against his chest... they were happy, at peace, perfectly content. with each other.

I died inside.

that night, I went home and took a shower.
I cried.
it hurt so bad.

I looked at my shaving razor - just a second, that was all it took.

id heard of people doing stuff like that, but had never really thought about it.

I grabbed it, didn't even think.

and slashed.

and there was blood.

and I felt better.

so I did it again, and there was more blood... I couldn't believe that I was the one who put it there.


later, the disgust of what I had done caught up with me.
that's the thing, after its over, the guilt makes it even worse, and you have to do it again to make it better.
and its addictive... its so addictive.

its horrible.

once is all it takes.

you just have to yank yourself out of the cycle, go cold turkey.

there is no weaning off, no easy way out.

and you know what? turned out that he raped that girl - sexually abused her for months.

that could have been me.

it could have been me.

I spent months hating her, but she was the one who saved me from that.

how is that fair?!

its been about two weeks since I last cut. (48 hours if no blood is drawn but it still hurts so good - not sure if that counts.)

well, 15 minutes left to go.

wish me luck.

with everything.

love you
<3