First time for everything

Guys. In doing it. I'm actually going to start watching Supernatural. I wouldn't let myself before cuz I'm sure that ill fall for it hard and I'm already a wholockian I can't be a superwholockedian it would tear me apart. If I get addicted, someone reach through my screen and slap me, okay? (Keep in mind this is like one In the morning I'm not even thinking straight.( 

Anniversery

welp.

This is the anniversary of the first time I cut.

10:00 tonite, it will have been a year.

funny.
doesn't feel like a year.

sad thing is, the first time, it was over a boy.

we were at a party... him and her were slow dancing... I was watching them, it was tearing me apart inside... god, I loved him so much.... and he had his face pressed into her hair, and she was resting her head against his chest... they were happy, at peace, perfectly content. with each other.

I died inside.

that night, I went home and took a shower.
I cried.
it hurt so bad.

I looked at my shaving razor - just a second, that was all it took.

id heard of people doing stuff like that, but had never really thought about it.

I grabbed it, didn't even think.

and slashed.

and there was blood.

and I felt better.

so I did it again, and there was more blood... I couldn't believe that I was the one who put it there.


later, the disgust of what I had done caught up with me.
that's the thing, after its over, the guilt makes it even worse, and you have to do it again to make it better.
and its addictive... its so addictive.

its horrible.

once is all it takes.

you just have to yank yourself out of the cycle, go cold turkey.

there is no weaning off, no easy way out.

and you know what? turned out that he raped that girl - sexually abused her for months.

that could have been me.

it could have been me.

I spent months hating her, but she was the one who saved me from that.

how is that fair?!

its been about two weeks since I last cut. (48 hours if no blood is drawn but it still hurts so good - not sure if that counts.)

well, 15 minutes left to go.

wish me luck.

with everything.

love you
<3

crap happens.

so... a lot of stuff has happened.
not Johnlock related, sorry to say.

first, I lost it, and cut again.

five months clean, then this!

I thought that just like other addiction, the urge to self harm would slowly fade.

but it didn't. everyday was a struggle not to grab a razor to make the pain go away. and one day, my parents just got too bad, too strong... so I snapped.

I hate myself for it.

so I stopped eating for a while, punishment I suppose.

after a week of under 300 calories a day... I said "you know what? fuck this shit. the best punishment I can give to those people is allowing myself to be happy, even after all they've don't to me."

so I started this thing, I went to Michaels (the store) and got this huge pack of hundreds of different beads.
I dumped it all out on the floor, and spend about four hours sorting everything.
it was really Zen.
then I started a bracelet, everyday I don't cut, I get another color of the rainbow.
it sounds stupid I suppose, but Its actually working for me.

and I am scared.

I am scared, because if I thought I would be okay after five months, when will this end?
when will the urge go away?

when can I be rid of this?

im sorry to dump all of this emotional baggage on you... love you all...
<3

p.s.
I found this poem that really connects to me. I love it:

"I said to the sun
'tell me about the big bang.'
and the sun said 'it hurts to become.'
and I carry this hurt
on the tip of my tongue."
- Andrea Gibson