Mmmm Yeah Drugs

I guess it's been a while.

first and foremost, I had a second sleep study done. It was incredibly boring as I forgot to bring anything but my phone, and they didn't have wifi.

Basically, I have Narcolepsy.

It's hard for me to stay awake and focus. I just wish that they'd figured this out sooner, but they messed up the first sleep study, and it didn't show anything correctly.
I could've had my junior and senior year back. I could've been able to focus. On anything.

So, they're prescribing me Ritalin to help me stay awake. I don't know, that just seems a little... extreme. Then again, I fell asleep twice in the hours after the diagnosis. So.

~

Other things have happened. Between me and two of the closest people in my life. But I won't talk about that here. I have somewhere else.

~

My dad was in New Mexico for two weeks, which meant I was alone with my mom. She was acting a lot more chill lately, she only made me cry once.

~

Finally, I finally got a job at Basil's, a pizza place.
I'm the salad and soup girl.
Too many people think that salad goes with pizza.

I disagree.

Sophie Cries and Throws a Party

Alex was slipping away.

And I'm sorry.

We both assumed that the other was moving on, moving away. We each spoke less and less, until we just... stopped. It hurt, because it felt like they didn't want to see me, even though we live in the same town. Apparently they assumed the same thing about me.

It was a mistake.

And waited. 

And held our breath.

And we spoke, finally, and I cried. 

A lot. 

I think we've reconciled as well as we can without  seeing each other in person.

Because my parents are pissed. 

They think Alex encouraged me to be promiscuous, that they're a bad friend, even though that's not true. They won't get it through their heads that Alex is one of the most important people in my life!

They refuse to even let Alex in the house unless they have a "face to face meeting" with them first. Like what?

Bambi is being great, she's gonna help me sneak out to see Alex. Because we need to see each other.

~

Apart from that, I got to see Kendall again! 

God, just to be able to hold him, to touch him, to kiss him, and just be there, together, it's amazing. It's surreal.

It's wonderful. 

I think that's what  I miss most of all, just being able to lay there together and close our eyes and just be there.

There's something fantastic there.

~

Then, Bambi and I threw a Halloween party.

Two people came,

It was interesting, but kinda sad.

And now we have way too much food.

Oh well.

I Won't Jinx It, But I'm In Love Love Love

"You just make my life so much more."

Darling, you make my life infinitely more.

And Sunshine, you make it worth it.
You're worth everything.

Going Out Always = Fight w/ Parents

Of course I cant go out without getting into an argument with my parents.

This time, I went to my friends' 19th birthday party, which was great! There were drag queens and fire twirlers and alcohol. But the music was loud, so even though I had the ringer turned all the way up on my phone, I still couldn't hear it from my purse.

My parents had decided to check up on me, and got PISSED when I couldn't answer. I called back right away, but mom was so mad, she came and got me immediately. Dad was out of toen, so it was just the two of us in a house full of anger.

~

In other news, I started school.

I have Fibers, math, forensics, and zoology on A days, and world lit online, psychology, and two art classes on B days.

I'm thinking of switching my math class with Twilight, the after school online class, because I hate my teacher and this way I can be done with the whole course in ten weeks. We'll see.

~

Finally, we got a cat! I'm not sure if shes here forever because she doesn't like our other cats, but she's a sweetheart named Snakebite. She's called that because when our friends found her, she was fighting off a rattlesnake.
she's only about five months old, still a little thing.
We'll see i suppose.

I'm Goin Back to North Carolina, and I Never Expect to See You Anymore

I just got back from camp. God... there was just so MUCH. There was drama and tears and love, so much love...

First and foremost, I lost my virginity. In a threesome.

...

And it was great.


It was with the two closest people in the world to me.

~

But first things first: I went to UGA to take part in the Grady Games. Over the course of a week, I worked on writing two articles and putting it together on what would be a physical paper. I wrote about the mental health in teens today and something similar to The Humans of New York, only with Athens. It all worked out pretty well.

You can find it here: https://gradygazette.wordpress.com/


~

As far as camp goes, I'll go in order.

On June 12, I arrived I arrived to my home.

On on June 21, one camper tried to slam a councilors head in a door, and had a councel about her, which I was a part of, (as her CIT)

On June 22, I found out that a camper that I'm really close with has been cutting herself. She's only 12! But there are SO many issues in her life. I was in a council about her as well, with the decision being: we would support her and form an action plan to help her self-esteem and stay away from triggers. She seemed really happy by the time it was time to leave.

On June 23, four people were arrested for having drugs in their possession while driving. My dick mentor, Joe was arrested for that AND drunk driving. I didn't feel so bad about him really. It was the fact that Robert, one of my favorite councilors on the mountain, was one of the people arrested.
They held their pride and stepped out of the mountain before there was much drama. But the mountain was his home! I just... it was an emotional time.

June 29, I found out that our new mentor, Sam, has depression and tried to hang himself last year. We bonded over mutual destruction.

July 2, we had an off day where we ate a huuuge dinner at the Chinese Buffet, then went roller skating, which was a bit of a struggle for me.

July 3, late in the night, after sneaking out, I took two hits of weed. Nothing much happened.

July 5, I led my creative writing workshop, which went quite well.

July 6, I led my fortune telling workshop, which also went quite well. Also, II snuck out at night to meet up with Alex and Kendall. It devolved to everyone;s clothes off and Alex's fingers inside me. (TMI:) I have quite a tight vagina, so we decided not to have real sex that night, but overall, it went well.

July 8, We all had a long talk together, then fell asleep in the cabin that we'd snuck out to. On the walk back, i said that I didn't want the three of us to end. Kendall stopped me and kissed me long and slow, and told me that he loved me. It was one of my favorite parts of camp.

July 10, I had sex in a light-up pokemon watch and thigh-high Harry Potter socks. Late at night, we snuck out and it was quickly clothes off. I'd stretched myself out a bit earlier, so it was a bit easier. I think it went very well! I had fun, and the love I felt between the three of us was wonderful.

July 13, snuck out  again. Kendall was a bit rougher, which I loved. He was having a bit of trouble finding my clit... so he used his tongue. Oh boy, words do not describe how much I love that boy. When I was content, we had sex, and later, he and Alex had sex.

July 14, snuck out... again. Kendall and I had sex, and then Alex ate me out. Jesus Christ, I LOVE them so much. We went home at about 3 am.

 July 16, Went out again. Had sex and it was v nice. We were out until 8 am. I'm amazed we didn't get caught. Earlier, everyone in the CITs were making out with each other, which was sweet and hilarious. I'm all for platonic kissing.

July 17, Kendall left today. He had to go to SUUSI a week early. I had a hard time saying goodbye after being so close for five weeks.

July 19, My last workshop was today, Nesting and Relaxation. The kids loved it, it went over really well!

July 20, Alex was really tired, so they left early, Kendall and I had sex on our own, which was lovely and sweet.

July 23, I had to leave home. I was so numb, I just couldn't cry. At least until I had to say goodbye to Sam. Both of us started crying The drive home was long and tiring. It' nice being back in my room with my computer and my cat, but I don't know about the rest if it.

~

So here I am! six weeks later, and so different. But here I am. Here I am.

Apparently I'm Nothing But a Hooligan

So I went to my friend's graduation party. There was wings, swimming, cute rats, cake, pizza, great movies, friends, a sleepover... just everything you need really. It was great.

UNTIL my parents freaked the fuck out.

I came back from swimming to find my phone blown up with angry messages from them,,, about not answering them.
While I was in a pool.

Overlooking that, I cried so much the next day, (today), becaue there were many, MANY long disappointed talks in me.

About how this shows how I'm not really mature, how I dont respect myself, how i dont respect them, how I'm not serious about getting a job, how lying to them 'seems to be a pattern, (lol they've only found out about  0.01% of lies I've told them).

This after today, I took my mom's car to get fixed for her, ran errands, applied at Staples, went home and mopped the floor, vacuumed the whole lower floor, cleaned the back door and many windows, and went to pick my mom up for work. I dunno, that sounds like the little kid whining about how their unappreciated but still.

I've just started getting, like, EMOTIONS back for the first time in YEARS and so I've been kind of weepy lately.
And then this happens, which means I was sobbing (and at one point, hyperventilating), and generally being just a total MESS.
this while my parents are emotionlessly telling me how I obviously dont care about anything.

Im still emotional, I'm sorry. I had to go into a closet and rock back and forth for a few minutes.

I dont think I'm, going to be eating much for a whole.

4 Hours Hell = 40 Years

I found out that a close friend of mine had his dad attempt suicide. He was messed up for a while.

~

I competed in the Sand Arts Festival. Two friends and I made a really fat (naked) man with a pope hat. It took three hours, but it looked great. His name was Tarjet, worshipper of prices and good customer service.
Unfortunately, I also got EXTREMELY sun burned. Like tiny bubbles of fluid under my disgusting peeling skin sun burned.

~

I also had the AP Lang test. It was hell. Four hours of hell. There werent enough desks for all 200 students taking it, I couldnt really hear what the teacher was saying, I was exhausted b/c it was first thing in the morning, and the subject content was SO DULL that it was a struggle not to nod off.

At least now I know what Margaret Thatcher said about Richard Nixon, and that disobedience is good but always follow the rules, and how the U.S. doesnt accurately record bilingualism.

I had to stab myself in the leg to keep awake.

~

I've sent $950 to The Mountain, all the money I have. It's worth it, but not enough.

Lame Prom & My Idol

Firstly, prom happened. I spent a long time getting ready; shaving my legs, my pits, moisturizing everything, did my nails, primer, foundation, concealer, contouring (for the first time in my life), smokey eye shadow (for the first time in my life), eyeliner, mascara, and then my friend/date showed up a bit early so I had to rush lipstick/dress/jewelry/putting on sticky boobs/hair.

Also I may or may not have brought a tiny flask of vodka with me because I had the foresight to know that it  would probably suck.
There was only rap music to dance to, no slow songs at all, shellfish to eat (which I can't), painful heels, etc.
After, however, we went to a space themed potato restaurant. Pizza potato and a coke with a shot of vodka is surprisingly good.
Then Bambi and I walked to McDonalds for dessert.
I was exhausted.

~

Then, I got to go see David Sedaris (my favorite author) read some of his work and some of his diary.
Then I waited in line for about an hour and a half to get to meet him. I asked him where I should go to college, then he gave me a pin that he got from japan. (He gives things to every teenager who comes to his shows instead of doing drugs or something). It was amazing. He signed a book for me, and I got one signed for my friend Devin, who couldn't be there. (He wrote, "you didn't miss nything tonight).
I'm still excited.

~

Also, on Wednesday, there was a threat of a school shooting.
Apparently, two idiot kids kept joking about shooting up the school/recreating Columbine. Which freaked my dad out since he worked right by Columbine, and was friends with the mom of one of those boys. It really messed him up.
And so pretty much everyone told everyone not to come to school. I hadn't heard, so out of 900 students, only about 150 showed up. In one of my classes, and on the bus home, I was the only person there.
The local newspaper then proceeded to shit on our whole school. An actual quote from the article:
"The students in question insist that they did nothing wrong; they were just practicing witchcraft."

That is because the absolute morons in question, who decided that they are Wiccan, felt that there was an evil spirit in the school, and so make a pentagram out of their own blood to try and exorcise it, and then posted it to social media.
I couldn't make this up if I tried.

It was a weird day.

I'm the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen...

I will be seventeen in about an hour!

This year, I'm not going to be depressed about getting older. I'm too young for that. I'm home alone, just me and my cat, Loki, sitting between my legs.

Ice cream and M&Ms for breakfast
Chores and job applications for lunch.

No seriously, my parents are HEAVILY pushing me to apply to a bunch of places. Despite the fact that I'll be gone all summer. I dunno man.

My 'brother' and I have been planning to hang out and smoke weed for a while. I've never smoked before, so I'm honoring him to be my weed senpai.

(Marijuana? In MY good christian neighborhood??!!!)

We were supposed to Saturday, but the guy who was supplying bailed at the last second. Thanks a lot. So we just walked around for a while. I got rose lemonade, which was beautiful AND tasty; we climbed trees; we snuck into a hotel, waited for someone to take the elevator to a higher floor, and got into a conference room. (Which I stole a bowl of pretentious mints and a pen from. So edgy.)

~

Then yesterday I went to work cleaning my mom's office for the first time. I fell off of a stool and almost broke my hip probably, and I made 10$ for an hour and a half of work. Paying for Mountain Camp is gonna take a while.


It rained a lot, and I was sad. Everything was melancholy. Getting older, feeling broken, all that.

~

I know I'm not getting much, if anything, for my birthday. The Mountain is my birthday present. And I am MORE than alright with that.

I'd like to start a proper diary today, since my birthday is as good a time as any. At least for a year.

Who knows what the fuck I'll get up to?

It's Been a Damp Week

This whole week has been a battle.
My parents REALLY don't want me to go to camp.
They want me to go camps and programs about writing and journalism in order to have a more impressive resume for college. This was decided for me. Of course.

It took a week of researching programs that I could go to before and after camp. And I had to make a lot of agreements. And it can be taken away at any time. But I'm going!
I know they dont really understand just HOW important this is in one of the hardest times of my life, but it was very emotional. Lots of tears. Very damp.

~

Also, we got the results from the sleep lab I did. Apparently I have restless leg syndrome? I dont know. Then again, the other day I fell asleep in class and my leg jerked so hard that it hit the underside of my desk. Loudly. It was bad.

~

I'm taking the SAT tomorrow. Wow I am not excited. Wish me luck.

~

Finally, my bae Alex is going to be in Savannah next week. The excitement is SO real.

Sleep well :)

Junk 2 Fucked This Up

Wow Junk 2 Funk was mostly a disaster.
Show 1 - The guy playing Darth Vader fell off the stage after his dance, got a concussion, and went into an epileptic seizure. Two ambulances and Three police cars (???) arrived just as the guests got out.
Show 2 - They modified the dance so that Darth wasn't necessary. A bit empty, but not bad.
Show 3 - They put a random tech member with no dance experience into the Darth Vader costume. It was NOT pretty.
Show 4 - They brought in a graduated dance major that did pretty good standing in. Except half the boy band's microphones didn't work and one of the head teachers fell down the stairs and dislocated both of her shoulders.

I'm just REALLY glad it's over.


~


I had the sleep study done. It was uncomfortable. It's really hard to sleep in a strange room while covered in wires and electrodes everywhere. I need to toss and turn to get comfortable!

They decided not to do the daytime study because apparently the nighttime one gave them enough to ask the doctor about. Apparently i twitch in my sleep and wake myself up? Idk.


~

My parents might not let me go to camp this year. I'd be a CIT, but it's expensive and long. Time is running out to apply, and I'm scared. It's my biggest copig mechanism. It keeps me going for the year. I wear reminders from camp on a necklace every day, until the metal had begun to leave a mark in my skin. It's home.

~

Finally, I passed my driving test! I did pretty well. just fucked up parallel parking and missed one lane. But I got it. So....

Please, Eleven Years Isnt Enough

My cat, Bamboo, went missing a week ago. He has a bad leg and is twelve years old, but he's incredibly smart. He knows how to avoid cars and animals and make friends with everyone and open doors.
Everyone in our neighborhood is looking out for him, they're all worried. We searched for him, put up signs. We got calls about a similar, but feral, cat.
I'm scared. He's always been there, an immovable presence in our lives. We adopted him from New Hampshire eleven years ago. He was almost adopted by some other people, but we got him first. He's one of those cats that dont seem like cats. They seem like people, who now and understand you.
And he's such a handsome boy.

We got a call form some people who think they saw a cat like him, wearing a collar.

I know that cats sometimes just wander off, but he's never done anything like this before.

Please send good thoughts to bring him home.

I just want my baby boy back.

~

I had three tests in a day, and I was so stressed out that I failed all three of them. If that doesnt explain the school system, nothing does.

I think my parents went to their first marriage counseling session.

Dad asked me a few mornings ago if i need to be hospitalized because of my lovely mental state. I told him I didnt think so. I dont think I'll do anything as drastic as active suicide, it's just there.

I signed up to be a backstage person for Junk 2 Funk, our school's fashion show and biggest event of the year. It's always sold out within hours. But they decided that they had too many people, and cut me and my friend. But then some head person asked me to help out and sort the dancers with their costumes, so there's that i suppose.

~

it's just thing after thing that seem to pile on. More weights on my ankles. I want to lie down and not move again.

Wow great job, just 10/10

Happy New Year.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

For new years, we were in a strangers house in Tallahassee. Dad was having his new opening, and a friend of a friend invited us for authentic Thai food (with lots of reaction-inducing shellfish).

We drank alcohol and watched cat videos on this guy's giant TV until the new year.
Wasn't great, but wasn't bad.

It was pretty unremarkable otherwise.
Except for one thing. Our cat, Bamboo, had been limping, so we took him to the vet. We found out that he has cancer in his leg. He'd have to get it amputated. Of course, I'd much rather have a three-legged cat than a dead cat. But he's such a sweet boy, everyone loves him. It was supposed to happen on the 6th, but the xray machine was broken, and had to be put off. So, we'll see.

The first week back to school wasnt too bad. I was just tired. Mom's looking to sign me up for yoga.

We had a family therapy session today. I cried of course, but it went alright all things considered. I was able to get some stuff off of my chest.
Until my mom felt the need to victimize herself. She started talking about how I never say, "I love you" to her, after we had already basically ended the session. My therapist was like yeah alright, not going for that crap. She advised that I ride home with my dad to calm down better.

When I told them that I'd rather go home with him, my mom said "Alright. Wait, that's not alright. That's just reinforcing that he's the favorite parent. I want you to come with me. Actually, do whatever you want. Go home with whoever."
Dad got angry at her, and said, "I KNEW you were going to do this, I knew it. Sophie, go home with either one of us."
At which point I broke down and just stood there.
Dad came back, gave me a hug, and apologized, saying that they'd both be downstairs when I was ready. I went to the bathroom and made it look like I hadn't been crying for two hours, before going downstairs.
Mom had left.
Dad took me to get some coffee and let me calm down, which I really needed.
Later, mom apologized to me by saying that she was sorry it had come to that. (???)
And then didnt bring it up again.

I went to math tutoring. I took a bubble bath and used a bath bomb. I stared at my computer screen. I dont know if I'm handling this.
Well, I'm still here, so. That counts for something.