WHY IS THERE XMAS BEFORE THANKSGIVING

Wow, a lot has happened.

Firstly, I went on a field trip with my philosophy club. We only got to tag along cuz the Portuguese class didnt have enough people.
It was supposed to be straight ziplining, but due to a mix-up, it turned out to be, like, a zipline obstacle course. Green, blue, and black levels. Everyone started on the green, so me and my crew decided to start on the blue instead of wait. It was pretty hard, no lie. But the adrenaline rush actually scared me, what was something different and very welcome. I went back to the green after I finished the blue; it was very easy after actually sliding toward your doom.
Mostly, I'm proud of Bambi. She was having a FUCKTON of anxiety about the blue level, and it took a while, but she got through! She made it all the way through, and I'm like a proud mother bird.
After ziplining, we went to some fancy Portuguese restaurant, where like 30 different kinds of meat was served to you on fuckin SWORDS. They just came around with this neverending stream of MEAT. I didnt eat quite a bit, cuz I'm lame and dont like bloody meats like lamb or rare beef. Still, I was STUFFED. I dont know if you've ever eaten nothing but a fuckload of meat and nothing else, but it's trippy. You get all wobbly, with the meat shakes or something.
On the (long) bus ride home, four of us ended taling a lot. The subject changed from sex ed to sex to masturbation to promising to get a friend a vibrator for her birthday to some of us seeing shadowy figures sometimes for their whole life. I am not one of those people, but they were genuinely freaked out just by talking about it. One girl who had to drive home alone was scared that they would get hostile since she'd been talking about them, so I gathered up a bunch of the goof luck/ positive energy crap that i have in my room (I have a TON of it) and gave it to her. I just hope they feel safe.

Second, Bambi's moms got married!!!!! The wedding was originally supposed to be next Sunday, but they surprised one on her birthday with a party and then oh hey look WE'RE GETTING MARRIED and they both were crying and it was honestly the sweetest thing ever.

Third, on Sunday, I went to another family therapy session. We ended up talking about how my mom tends to do really degrading things to me, especially when she feels I need a punishment. Like things that you would punish a five y/o with so that they would learn a moral, but not a sixteen year old. I was crying pretty hard and my therapist brought me into a different room and I started blubbering about how I didnt like my mother or see her as a maternal figure in my life and stuff like that.
She decided to cut it short, definitely for the best.

Fourth, on Tuesday, I had a math test. I spent hours with my tutor outside of school going over everything. I may or may not have programmed some of the formulas into my calculator when I was scared about my memory. I had this, right? And i did. Until the last section. It was over something that I didnt know we had to study, and I didnt remember AT ALL. Drawing a 100% blank. I freaked out and had to stop for a minute to get my breathing under control. I ended up writing a note to my teacher about how I was almost out of time and panicking and couldnt remember it at all and I was sorry.
Unfortunately, the substitute teacher was grading them, and saw the note instead. She came up to me and said something about how it wasnt hard and I had some time left, which was nice of her, but I had to tell her that I couldnt handle it right then. I teared up a bit, and put my head down cried a little after she left, which hasnt happened at school in... a long time.

So. My whole family is staying with us for Thanksgiving, which I am not happy about.

I'm still not here.

Blurry Halloweens + Breakdowns

Halloween was actually pretty fun. Bambi, the girl i have a crush on, and a few other friends and i all went trick-or-treating. I was Lapis Lazuli from Steven Universe, which i was quite happy with. (The blue body paint was a bit annoying tho)

After a few hours, we were actually dying of thirst and this super sweet lady gave us cups of water, so good karma to you, nice lady. It was fairly uneventful, until the golfcart ride back to Bambi's house. There wasnt enough seats, so i ended up having to sit in my crush's lap and hold her and another person's hand just to keep from falling off. (no complaints there).

Plenty of candy, though it's kind of lost on me. For the last few months, I've had this thing where i feel like i just cant... eat. Not in a weight loss way, but like it feels like my throat will push it back up and feel sick. I've lost like 10 pounds, which isnt good. Nothing feels appetizing anymore.

I got published in our city newspaper for a letter to the editor that I wrote. Just look up "Edna Jackson sign burning" and "Flaming Ignorance letter to the editor" if you're curious.

We got our progress reports today, and I have a 73 in math. Which is considered failing. All from ONE D on a test. When I got home, I had a panic attack and cried for a while. Like, usually I'd at least feel alright knowing that I can just bring it up later, but you need at least a 75 in all classes to go on field trips, and I'm going zip-lining with my philosophy club next friday.
So... I'm scared. It's all I have to look forward to.

It feels like a giant step back. I'm not here. I'm not awake. It's like six layers of cotton separating my mind from the world, and five more separating me from my emotions. Everything is secondary. It feels like my blood's replaced with cough syrup and time moves too quick before I can even turn my head to watch it go by. I want to tear my hair and scream and slap my face and cut my skin, anything to wake myself up. But it still feels like the moment between being awake and asleep, when you're laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, feeling frustrated at yourself for not falling asleep already but you're too tired and fuzzy to actually feel frustrated, and you're worried because if you feel frustrated, you'll be more awake and that's the opposite of what you want. You want one or the other, awake or asleep. But I'm stuck in both.

I'm stuck.