cuz who needs food and good family relationships amiright

Wheeeeeeee only four days until Christmas.

(its hard to convey sarcasm in text)




Not too much has happened.

finished exams, (gun, mouth, now),

went to see Mockingjay again (if you'll recall, I only got to see the first half because my parents forgot I was there and furiously made me come home),

Drove to some desolate town to meet a step-cousin so my mums to exchange two hundred year  old furniture in the parking lot of a mcdonalds, (don't ask) and then had me drive the whole two-hour journey home.

furiously cleaned the house in preparation for a random friend of mums to visit.

About that, my parents had me cleaning all afternoon, which wasn't bad, except there was no time to eat lunch.
Recently, my new meds have made it so I don't really get hungry, resulting in me dropping several pounds that I didn't want to lose, but right then. I. was. starving.
I'd only had a little bowl of cereal at 10 that morning.
So 3:30 in the afternoon, come downstairs to have lunch, when mum stopped me from making my bowl of noodles.
I wasn't allowed to eat lunch because it would ruin my appetite for dinner later.
After I hadn't eaten all day.
because it would spoil my appetite for dinner that would be at 7:30.
mmmmmm.
we finally compromised on me having half a bagel with cream cheese. which I lathered up about half an inch thick. (and secretly made another half with nutella).
I'm still hungry.
aaaaaaaaand I just found out that dinner is salmon and asparagus, some of the foods I despise most, and wont eat much of.
I see midnight snacks in my future.


Another thing that happened today, was I had an appointment with my therapist.
And the thing that ive been dreading for months is going to happen.

having my parents in there with me to talk about our issues.

it needs to happen.
communication has only been getting worse.
better sooner than later.

but im terrified, because I already know myself, so I know that i'll break down and be unable to talk, I know that they will insist that they are always open for talk and are very supportive.

Which, to them, they think they are. convincing themselves that when something happens, its because I messed up with myself, because 'they are ALWAYS OpEN foR TALkinG SO I couLD HaVe juST DONe ThAt.'

I can already hear my mother saying what she ALWAYS says in these situations: 'we'll what do you think we should do about this?'

I dont KNOW, I have no way of putting it in words, like if I knew, don't you think I would have told you a long, l o n g time ago?

And see the thing is, my fuckin epic supportive therapist (FEST, for short) says that things like this happen a lot.
Parents THINK they're helping, that they're always there to be supportive so its not their fault when you don't come to them.
She's noticed firsthand the unconscious lack of communication between us; the way they control my life for me in such a subtle way that they hardly even notice what an effect it has; how I've experienced nothing but being treated like that my whole life, so I barely even notice that something's messed up until it's pointed out to me.

my FEST is going to be there to deflect back whatever they try to deflect onto me.
AND, as a rule, she's making it so they cant talk about it anywhere but in front of her. She told me that if they start trying to talk about it, I'm to call her immediately to remind them.

I'm not looking forward to it.
I'm scared of what will happen.
What i'm even more scared on is the possibility that everything could be different, that the whole relationship could change.
All my life, it's been like a close business relationship. I stopped letting them kiss me when I was two. I barely hug them even.
What would it be like to have them stop being the backseat driver in my life?

Please imagine a terrified/confused MnHEHnnnnh' noise.
that is me right now.

exam fuckery + existential crisis

Ah yes, the season of exams.
Just smell the all nighters, the stress in the air, and the ever increasing urge to fall down a stairwell.

Also Christmas.

(same thing).

I'm extremely worried, as tomorrow is both my math AND chemistry final.

(I'll just be in a coma over here... maybe they'd excuse me from the tests?)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAND on TOP of all that, IM SICK.

Not in the okay-ish sick, but in the 'cough your lungs up every few minutes especially when you're trying to sleep/ take a test in a completely silent room/ talking to that girl you really like.

And yet, I go to school, several times being legitimately worried that I'll throw up.
Because exams.

And the fun thing is, realistically about 1/6 of the whole school is sick as well, but like me, are showing up for school to take exams, and thus making even MORE people sick.

Very convenient time for a bug to be going around.... satan? is that you?

~

In other news, I spent time I was supposed to be studying to write down an existential crisis I am currently having about my theory of time, and then managed to link it to a metaphor about pancakes.
I will post it at the bottom if you are curious.
That's how my brain works.
Have fun.
(can I just turn that in instead of my tests?)

Speaking of procrastinating, I also took ALL the books off of my four bookcases, and then organized them by color.
Why, you ask?
Because I didn't want to study of course.

Also, me being the idiot I am, I chose this particular time to start watching danisnotonfire and amazingphil on youtube, which of course, I am not addicted to.

Point is, in one of Dan's videos, he talks about how he walks around muttering to himself without realizing it.

And that was the moment that I realized I do the exact same thing.

I just zone out whenever I'm cleaning my room or organizing books or just wandering around, muttering to myself, barely aware of what i'm doing.

A+ work there, Sophie.



AND NOW, TIME:
(I'm warning you now, this goes all. over. the. place.)

Moment one: Time

            The way time moves is perhaps one of the greatest mysteries that we will likely never solve. We can unravel the secrets of the universe, but time will undoubtedly be the biggest question that is taken for granted.

            Just the fact that scientists today have developed a legitimate theory of there being an opposite universe where time moves backwards only complicates it more. Humans have never experienced anything but the travel of time that we have today, and cannot even grasp the full meaning, much less imagine what it would feel like, to have the progression of time be backwards. That universe would have started at what would be our final destruction of the universe, but where in our world it means that everything, even empty space and blackness, cease to exist, to this other world, it means the spawning of the beginnings of their universe, ending at what would have been our creation, the big bang. Does every person that ever exist to them slowly form from the earth into corpses, rise fully grown into the world, already married and with children, only to go backwards to childhood, ending with them being sucked into their mothers and slowly devolving into nothingness in her womb?

            Just thinking about the concept of something like this is enough to drive anyone mad, or at least sit there staring up at the sky for a few minutes, trying to picture what it must have been like. But because they have never experienced our world where life begins at infancy instead of ending, they are confused at what a backwards world we must have.

            In my personal opinion however, time has already happened. From the start of everything to the end, every second has been compressed into a tiny sliver. You only go to a place once, but every memory you have of this place is there all at the same time.

            For example, say you enter your bedroom: you have been in this room thousands of times before to your memory, but really, every single time you have been there and will ever be there is with you at the same time; from the first time you set foot there to the last time you leave, you have only existed there once, one moment in this room, compressed together to form your memory of it.

You can remember being in the room before, and so can vaguely imagine the thousands of you in the room at the same time, hidden from each other by only your memory.

 cannot, however, see how many more times you will be in the room. You could set foot there thousands more times, or perhaps this is the last time you will ever be in it without knowing that when you leave, you may die and never know that was the last part of yourself, the last tiny memory that ends every version of yourself in that room.

            But that has already happened. You are likely somewhere in the middle right now, surrounded unconsciously by every time you have ever been there, and will ever be there, down to the very end. Right now there is layer upon layer of yourself, sitting right where you are now, separated only by the fact that your mind cannot comprehend yourself.

            The only possible metaphor that comes to mind is that you are a pancake. There is currently a stack of pancakes, thousands high, all around you, stacked higher over where you regularly sit or sleep. This is your timeline. Now compress all of those pancakes down until they are only a tiny sliver, barely large enough to see. All the pancakes have been squished together, forming a single large, almost invisible pancake. But to each separate pancake, it is still its own individual pancake, sitting by itself. It cannot see the other pancakes around it, how they are all melded together into a single layer. In its tiny pancake brain, it believes that it is moving through time by itself, when in reality, what is happening is that the pancake’s conscience awareness of ‘now’ is hopping from pancake to pancake, slowly working its way up to the top of the huge layer of pancakes, until it will cease to exist in that one place where the layer has been pressed together. Every pancake is there all at once, but the pancake can only see the moment of ‘right now’, and so cannot see that it is existing at the same time with all the thousands of pancakes melded to it.

            Now take the pancake layer, and apply it to every place the pancake has been. Some places it has visited only once, and so will only have one form on consciousness there. Other places it has been to every day of its life, and so is tens of thousands of pancakes thick.

            This has been your daily existential pancake metaphor of the day.