Last Friday, we left for our senior class trip to Orlando.
A long bus ride later, we were at Daytona Beach. Later that night, we spent some time at downtown Disney, (where no one bought anything because it was so insanely expensive).
The next day we went to a water park, (where my friend with Strep throat had to be taken to the first aid building.) I also got to have a conversation with my homeroom teacher in his bathing suit, when I'd only ever seen him in a suit and tie and talked to him maybe four times in four years. It was surreal.
That night was Grad Bash, where Universal Studios is open only to High School seniors from 7 pm to 2 am. I was fantastic. We met some stereotypical kids from rural Alabama, rode tons of roller coasters, hung out in Harry Potter World,
As it got late, I started getting too tired. I convinced my friend Alishe to slap me across the face, hard, to wake myself up. We heard a horrified "Ooooooh" from the people walking past. At least it worked for a while.
When it was approaching 2 am, I began falling asleep every time we sat down for a moment. One of my friends, a guy who's over six feet tall, gave me a piggyback ride to the meeting place while I slept, I woke up just long enough to hear someone ask, "Is that a boy or a girl that he's carrying?" For some reason, I found this absolutely hilarious.
~
About a week after I got back from the senior trip, I took a razor blade and sliced a cut above my eyebrow.
I just couldn't get the thought of it out of my mind. I finally did it because I found a little butterfly bandage. It seemed like a reason to do it.
No idea why. It just made me feel...interesting. Like people noticed me. I felt awake for a little while. It healed in about five days, and I forgot pretty quickly.
Sunday, May 28, 2017
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
The Sensory Deprivation Tank
Today, I spent an hour in a sensory deprivation tank.
I was prepared to get in, completely naked but for the defiant look I was wearing on my face.
Climbing in was incredibly intimidating, because you're stepping into nothing. A dark void. And then you close the door and you realize that you're already floating without even noticing, because the water is so salty. You can't sink. So you lie back and relax into the warm water like you would a bed.
I could have easily fallen asleep in minutes. But I didn't let myself; I wanted to experience nothingness.
I found that I was most comfortable with my arms bent at the elbow so that each hand was parallel to each shoulder. It was how I felt best. However, this didn't give me much room on either side. If I moved, I'd end up slowly floating off center, and my finger occasionally brushed the wall. But I didn't let this break the state I was in.
I could hear my heartbeat, feel the minuscule movement in the water. The ceiling seemed to expand to a great distance.
As my eyes relaxed, I could see ribbons of color snaking across the ceiling, almost imperceptible from the darkness. Sometimes there'd be a pinpoint of light, which would glimmer for a moment before fading away. Sometimes there'd be a little burst of blue lights, widening and narrowing in a circle.
As time went on, the blackness above me seemed to change to a blue, somehow even darker than black. I'd see columns of black move slowly through the blue.
Once, I saw the silhouette of a hand right above my face.
The color of the darkness momentarily shifted to orange, still darker than black, before going back to blue.
At the same time, I was listening. The room was totally soundproofed and I had earplugs in, but I could hear things. My heartbeat. Food digesting. Every twitch of my muscles. And every few seconds, a low rumble, like someone pulling a wooden chair along the ground on the other side of the house.
The rumble would last for a few seconds, sometimes longer. A few times, as the rumble stopped, I'd hear a low voice murmuring for just a moment.
To let you know that your time was up, they'd play music. Softly at first, slowly going louder, allowing you to become aware of it through the water and earplugs.
I was quite confused for a moment, distantly wondering if that was my signal to get out or if I was imagining the music.
As soon as I became aware, the vast ceiling seemed to violently collapse down until it was almost touching me.
I slowly got up and cracked open the door. It was bright. Moving felt wrong. Having weight felt wrong. I clambered out and into the shower in my room.
Once I rinsed all the salt off, I got dressed and went back to the lounge area. The lady who'd explained everything to me before I went in gave me a cup of tea. We chatted and pet her dog until my dad came to pick me up.
~
Prom was on April 8th. I went with my friend Russell after several dates didn't work out.
It was alright, prom itself was almost identical to last year, but with slightly better music. Although they did actually have two slow dances.
We left and stopped by Waffle House before going to the beach and hanging out. We found college students filming the ocean under red lights and some people smoking weed in a life guard tower. We left around midnight, only to discover that no where is open. So we sat in the Target parking lot, clicking the 'surprise me' button on wikihow articles.
It went alright.
I was prepared to get in, completely naked but for the defiant look I was wearing on my face.
Climbing in was incredibly intimidating, because you're stepping into nothing. A dark void. And then you close the door and you realize that you're already floating without even noticing, because the water is so salty. You can't sink. So you lie back and relax into the warm water like you would a bed.
I could have easily fallen asleep in minutes. But I didn't let myself; I wanted to experience nothingness.
I found that I was most comfortable with my arms bent at the elbow so that each hand was parallel to each shoulder. It was how I felt best. However, this didn't give me much room on either side. If I moved, I'd end up slowly floating off center, and my finger occasionally brushed the wall. But I didn't let this break the state I was in.
I could hear my heartbeat, feel the minuscule movement in the water. The ceiling seemed to expand to a great distance.
As my eyes relaxed, I could see ribbons of color snaking across the ceiling, almost imperceptible from the darkness. Sometimes there'd be a pinpoint of light, which would glimmer for a moment before fading away. Sometimes there'd be a little burst of blue lights, widening and narrowing in a circle.
As time went on, the blackness above me seemed to change to a blue, somehow even darker than black. I'd see columns of black move slowly through the blue.
Once, I saw the silhouette of a hand right above my face.
The color of the darkness momentarily shifted to orange, still darker than black, before going back to blue.
At the same time, I was listening. The room was totally soundproofed and I had earplugs in, but I could hear things. My heartbeat. Food digesting. Every twitch of my muscles. And every few seconds, a low rumble, like someone pulling a wooden chair along the ground on the other side of the house.
The rumble would last for a few seconds, sometimes longer. A few times, as the rumble stopped, I'd hear a low voice murmuring for just a moment.
To let you know that your time was up, they'd play music. Softly at first, slowly going louder, allowing you to become aware of it through the water and earplugs.
I was quite confused for a moment, distantly wondering if that was my signal to get out or if I was imagining the music.
As soon as I became aware, the vast ceiling seemed to violently collapse down until it was almost touching me.
I slowly got up and cracked open the door. It was bright. Moving felt wrong. Having weight felt wrong. I clambered out and into the shower in my room.
Once I rinsed all the salt off, I got dressed and went back to the lounge area. The lady who'd explained everything to me before I went in gave me a cup of tea. We chatted and pet her dog until my dad came to pick me up.
~
Prom was on April 8th. I went with my friend Russell after several dates didn't work out.
It was alright, prom itself was almost identical to last year, but with slightly better music. Although they did actually have two slow dances.
We left and stopped by Waffle House before going to the beach and hanging out. We found college students filming the ocean under red lights and some people smoking weed in a life guard tower. We left around midnight, only to discover that no where is open. So we sat in the Target parking lot, clicking the 'surprise me' button on wikihow articles.
It went alright.
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