There is no room for me at The Mountain this summer.
I was too late. Or they didn't want me.
The two people there who are most important to me both got chosen to be counselors. Not surprising. But I won't be there.
Funny how some of the CIT's caught with drugs last year are getting to be counselors this year.
I could have applied to be a garden intern. But the pay is sooooo little. It's basically volunteering. I need to make money this summer. Somehow.
This will be the first time in seven years that I haven't spent the summer there. I won't be able to be at my Home, where I feel like I belong.
It's what kept me going all year.
~
Someone came to visit. A surprise.We had dinner. They stayed for maybe two hours. What they said, when they left, I don't know.
I had a really hard time.
~
We went to New York over spring break. It was fine, I guess.
I got to hang out with my awesome cousin and her boyfriend. Got pretty buzzed with them.
I got to walk around on my own, just looking at stuff and getting mildly lost. It was nice.
We went to A LOT of art galleries and museums. I liked The Mett the best, seeing all the old Egyptian and Greek and Medieval stuff.
We got to see Cirque du Soleil.
Mom and I went to the giant Macy's. Got a bunch of stuff on sale. A new purse. New jeans. New shoes.
And... a prom dress. I didn't even know if I wanted to go. Especially now that I didn't have a date. And my second date can't make it. And my third date bailed for someone else. It looks like I am. Maybe with another person, maybe not. We'll see.
Thing is, while I was trying on my favorite dress, I had a breakdown in the changing room. I'm not so skinny anymore. I've always been The Skinny Person. Now I needed a size 5. I realized I had stretch marks on my hips. I realized that I have a good deal of acne on my back, not to mention my face. The dress is mostly backless.
It didn't help things.
~
I'm about to turn 18.
It's funny.
For as long as I can remember, I've always just assumed that I wouldn't make it to 18 years old. I knew I'd die before then, somehow. If not in some accident, then I'd just kill myself. It was simple; it was a fact. I didn't want to be an adult. I still don't. I'm not ready.
And now it looks like I will turn 18. Otherwise, it's getting down to the wire. Not much time left to decide.
I don't think I would. But I've just been having a really hard time. With that. With my future. With everything.
I realized after that Halloween party where literally two people came that I don't have many friends. I have plenty of acquaintances, but very few friends.
It seems like I'm drifting away from everyone.
Of course, everyone will go on about how they'll always be there to talk. Always be there when you need them. But they're not.
I'm alone.
